LOS ANGELES – Having battled all season to stay above the water, the Lakers finally succumbed to their insufficiencies on Sunday when the San Antonio Spurs completed a first-round sweep over HOLY SHIT, DID YOU SEE THE NEWS, JASON COLLINS IS GAY!!!!!!
The injury-plagued team couldn’t keep up with the Spurs’ seamless teamwork and tenacious ball movement, losing by a 21 point margin in their WAIT, NO, SERIOUSLY, JASON COLLINS CAME OUT OF THE CLOSET AND IS THE FIRST OPENLY GAY ATHLETE IN THE FOUR MAJOR PROFESSIONAL SPORTS!!! HOLY SHIT, YOU GUYS!!!!
Tony Parker played a dominant game, scoring 23 points while boosting the Spurs in the SORRY, CAN’T FOCUS RIGHT NOW, BECAUSE JASON. COLLINS. IS. GAYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!! DID ANYONE SEE THAT COMING???? I MEAN, HONESTLY, I ALWAYS THOUGHT IT WOULD BE LIKE WESTBROOK OR VINCE CARTER OR SOMEONE REAL FLASHY AND HIGH PROFILE LIKE THAT—BUT JASON COLLINS????? NEVER IN A MILLION YEARS…
In his final game before entering unrestricted free agency, Dwight Howard scored seven points and was ejected in the third quarter for arguing with an OK, NOT TRYING TO MAKE LIGHT OF SUCH A MOMENTOUS OCCASION IN SPORTS HISTORY, BUT HOW PERFECT WOULD IT HAVE BEEN IF IT WAS RUDY GAY??? AMIRITE????
“The circumstances were certainly against us, but I’m proud of my guys for fighting so hard,” said Lakers coach Mike D’Antoni. “I don’t think this is the outcome any of us initially envisioned, but HOLY FUCKING SHIT, JASON COLLINS IS GAY, AND IT’S A NEW FUCKING ERA IN PROFESSIONAL SPORTS!!! YOU’LL TELL YOUR FUCKING GRANDKIDS ABOUT THIS SOMEDAY!!!!
With key players sidelined due to injury, including Kobe Bryant, Steve Nash, and Metta World Peace, the Lakers found themselves in the unfamiliar position of being the underdogs, but the makeshift lineup was unable to triumph in FUCK EVERYTHING ELSE HAPPENING RIGHT NOW, HOW THE FUCK COULD WE FOCUS ON ANYTHING ELSE EXCEPT THE FACT THAT JASON COLLINS IS GAYYYYYYYYYY?!?!?!?!? SERIOUSLY, FUCK TEBOW, IT’S JASON COLLINS’ DAY NOW!!!!
Though the Lakers lost, the hometown fans were encouraged by the sight of Kobe Bryant, who made his first courtside appearance since tearing his Achilles tendon 16 days ago. But who the fuck cares about Kobe, JASON COLLINS IS GAY, YOU GUYS!!! HOLY MOTHER OF FUCK, WE’RE LOSING OUR SHIT.