LEXINGTON, KY – After his defending national champion Wildcats were stunned by an upset loss to Robert Morris in the National Invitation Tournament, Kentucky coach John Calipari went home both humiliated and saddened.
Yet he didn’t sulk for too long, as sources close to the coach report that he’s once again in good spirits, having spent the last two days committing a “shit-ton” of recruiting violations to cheer himself up.
Calipari’s violation binge began early Wednesday morning, when he offered a top-ranked prospect in Texas a flight to Kentucky in a private jet, promising him a night on the town with some of the school’s most desirable coeds.
The coach followed that up by wiring $30,000 in cash to No. 1 recruit Andrew Wiggins with a note that read, “Have the craziest weekend of your life, compliments of your future school.” Later, he bribed an official at the Educational Testing Service to alter the SAT score of a student whom he had already signed.
“Everybody copes with sadness differently,” admitted Calipari. “Some people drink, some people go out and exercise, whereas I like to ring up a few boosters and shower impressionable teenagers with stacks of filthy cash.”
Sources say that Calipari has committed more than 20 separate recruiting violations since his team’s loss, and that number is only expected to increase. At time of press, a highly recruited student in Delaware had just tweeted a photo of a Kentucky-themed Escalade with a giant bow on its hood that had just been delivered to his driveway.