CHICAGO – Bulls center Joakim Noah is having a breakout season, putting up career highs in points, rebounds, assists, steals, and blocks. Yet despite his dominance on the court, the big man has been routinely frustrated by his inability to succeed in social interactions.
“I just don’t really fit in with my teammates,” admitted Noah. “Or with human beings, for that matter. I’m not entirely positive that I’m actually part of this species.”
Noah’s doubts are driven by the fact that he bears little resemblance to any other members of the human race. His elongated frame, chaotic hair, and alarming facial structure lend him the appearance of a Wookiee going through chemotherapy, or perhaps some sort of mantis/sloth crossbreed.
“The thing about Jo is that even though he gives 100 percent on the court each night, off the court he just can’t seem to click,” explained Bulls head coach Tom Thibodeau. “Like we’ll be traveling to a stadium on the bus, and while the other guys are sitting around laughing and playing cards, Jo is always hunched over in the back, usually eating live ants or sniffing this bag of used Q-tips that he carries around with him.”
Noah has reportedly been contemplating skipping this weekend’s NBA All-Star game to spend some time resting his nagging foot, and to also spend some serious time trying to comprehend the habits and behaviors of ordinary human beings.
“I’d really like to feel like I’m one of them, but there’s still so much I just don’t understand,” confided Noah. “How often do they secrete bodily waste? Ten, 20 times a day? And do they remove their epidermis when they slumber? These are the kinds of questions I’m embarrassed to ask.”
Even if Noah never figures out how to relate to his teammates, there’s one other mortal life form in the league who will always be on his wavelength: Wizards assistant coach Sam Cassell.
“Sam and I…we come from the same place,” disclosed Noah, staring longingly towards the sky. “And one day we will return there, having conquered the Earth-bred mammal beings.”
Three bright lights then suddenly began blinking beneath the skin on Noah’s forehead, and feeling panicked, he abruptly disappeared into a blinding chasm of light.