CHARLOTTE – After a historically bad 2011-12 season, the Charlotte Bobcats are looking to bring in new blood to rejuvenate the battered franchise. Inspired by the swagger that hip-hop mogul Jay-Z brought to the Brooklyn Nets, the team has reached out to early ‘90s rap superstar MC Hammer to come do something similar.
Team owner Michael Jordan believes it’s a bold move that will revitalize the fan base and give the players something to be excited about.
“Just like Hammer, we want to prove that we’re ‘2 Legit 2 Quit,’ that we’re not defined by our losses and failures,” explained Jordan. “So we’re offering a minority ownership stake to MC Hammer, and we’re confident that he’ll bring the kind of energy that this team needs to become contenders.”
Other members of Jordan’s ownership group are reportedly skeptical about bringing on the rapper, whose struggles with bankruptcy and propensity for copyright infringement might prove compromising for a team that’s already standing on a rocky foundation.
But Hammer himself, whose real name is Stanley Burrell, argues that he’s a perfect candidate to swoop in and give the team a makeover.
“Man, they’re gonna be FRESH TO DEATH once Hammer gets a hold of ‘em, that’s for sure,” the 50-year-old MC declared. “I got all these great ideas, like swapping out the players’ shorts with big ol’ parachute shorts. And then, instead of the Bobcats, I was thinkin’ we could change the team’s name to the Funky Monkeys or somethin’ real cool like that.”
Hammer’s recommendations also include building a VIP Applebee’s in Time Warner Cable Arena and rounding out each halftime show with an MC Hammer performance.
“Really, I think I’m gonna bring a lot of credibility and wisdom to this team,” said Hammer. “Sure, Jay-Z’s got Beyonce, but does he got killer moves like these?”
He then proceeded to do the humpty dance for an hour straight without interruption.