COLUMBUS, OH – Notably well-endowed free agent Greg Oden learned the hard way Wednesday that having giant junk can be both a blessing and a curse. In a Columbus, Ohio, mall, the seven-foot big man became the center of a horrifying scene after getting his penis caught in an escalator.
Oden was kneeling down to tie his shoe as the escalator arrived at the landing platform when his penis, unwittingly hanging from his athletic shorts, got pulled into the steel comb beneath which the steps disappear. The escalator’s safety mechanisms responded almost immediately and halted the machine’s movement, but not before consuming four inches of Oden’s reproductive organ.
Witnesses say a mall security guard rushed over immediately and pulled out a pocketknife, offering to wedge open the grate. Oden, however, responded hysterically, demanding that no one attempt to assist him until paramedics arrived.
Lisa Henley, who was shopping with her eight-year-old daughter, watched the entire scene unfold.
“I think the first thought that crossed everyone’s mind was just how huge his penis was,” reflected Henley. “It seriously looked like the escalator was eating a pant leg filled with gelatin. But when we realized what was going on and everyone figured out he was famous, naturally the cell phone cameras came out, and we all got to witness quite the show.”
Fourteen-year-old Sara Hines, who watched the incident while eating an Auntie Annes pretzel nearby, says that it was a traumatizing experience for her and her friends.
“I mean, is that what all penises look like? I honestly think that thing had a bicep. That would like jam up inside of you and poke you in the heart. Has he been with a woman before? Can she still walk? I pledge from hereon out that I will never have sex for as long as I live.”
Once paramedics arrived, they swiftly implemented a hydraulic device to liberate the ensnared member, but unfortunately the damage had been done. Oden’s penis had been smashed into a shape not unlike that of a saxophone reed, and it also sustained several base-to-tip lacerations.
Already out for the 2012-13 season to rehab his knees, it is likely that this incident will add even more recovery time onto the young center’s injury-stricken career. Accordingly, doctors have advised him to not only avoid escalators from now on, but also trampolines, most kinds of farm equipment, and any sausage grinding devices.