Playoff Picks And Percocets
Welcome back, dudes and possibly dudettes. Your idol, and No. 1 overall pick Ryan Leaf here. First off I’d like to apologize for the break I took last week, as I was advised by my attorney to “lay low” following an incident at a local pharmacy. But enough about that, I’m back up in that ass with your Good Decisions for the week, and guess what… It’s playoffs, playoffs, playoffs. Although it’s my first appearance in the postseason, I guarantee you it will be memorable. *Sniffffff* GIDDY UP!
Indianapolis vs. Baltimore
I have to say, I don’t really give a shit who wins this one because it’s not the Chargers and I’m pretty high right now, but here goes. The status of Joe Flacco is being held with tight lips from the Ravens brass, but the word from OxyContin Mike is that Joe has come down with a case “slinky arm” or “girl syndrome” as its known in the medical world. Rumor has it that Flacco has been fighting this ailment his entire career, and with his only weapon being his tiny legs and weird face, he’s concocting a recipe for an early round exit. Meanwhile, on the other side of the ball, Andrew Luck is ready to roll. Literally. It seems the Colts QB has had his entire lower body converted into some sort of homemade military-grade tank, so he is going to be next to impossible to contain. The Colts management have done their homework and added 400+ offensive linemen to the roster for when the starters are inevitably crushed and killed by Luck’s freakish Panzer-like body. It’s going to be a sea of blood, guts, and GOD AWFUL purple jerseys. Take Indianapolis.
Green Bay vs. Minnesota
Even though the Packers are an eight-point favorite over Minnesota this week, I have some deets that will change that in favor of the underdog. I did some investigating in Wisconsin over the holidays and discovered a secret that the Green Bay organization, I’m sure, would have liked to keep closer to their chest. During an attempt to retrieve a late night snack, BJ Raji, in a tryptophan-fueled haze, waddled into what he though was the kitchen, and accidentally mistook star linebacker Clay Matthews’ leg for turkey leftovers. This is a MASSIVE loss to the Packers’ defensive line, and without number 52, there is virtually no way to stop Minnesota’s cyborg running back. All that aside, a viking would beat a wedge of cheese in a fight any day, don’t you think? Take the Vikings to pillage the Packers
Cincinnati vs. Houston
Let’s start this off with yet another two teams that would be better off with ME taking the snaps. A foolish decision by both parties, but that’s why I’m here, to make sure you don’t make the same mistake. The Cincinnati defense, on most days, is no match for all-star running back Arian Foster’s talent, but they may get lucky this week. According to my source, Methadone Matt, Arian received a brand new box of magic markers from “Santa” this year, and was caught by his mother, not MERE MINUTES later, scribbling out his entire playbook on the walls of his bedroom. Needless to say, Foster’s mother was absolutely livid, as he has been scolded for this on more than one occasion. Every action has its consequence (which I know all too well), and Arian is getting punished hard. His mother has issued a statement saying that as of Christmas morning, her son is grounded with no TV, Playstation, phone, computer, or football until further notice. Obviously it is uncertain how long the duration of this punishment will last, but you can bet Cincinnati is hoping it surpasses Sunday. In an interview after practice this week, Gary Kubiak stated, “Obviously we need Arian, but moms are moms, and rules are rules. He’s a grown man and he should know better than to be drawing on walls.” Further questions seemed futile, as Kubiak then sprinted across the parking lot towards Ben Tate who had been riding his razor scooter with no helmet, which of course, is forbidden by his father. Take the Bengals, they’re grrrrreat!!!
Seattle vs. Washington
I’m going to have to go to my crystal (meth) ball for this one. Let’s see. Oh, I SEE something. Hold on, it’s getting clearer. The Seahawks are going to come out strong, with Russell Wilson running and passing all over the Skins defense, getting out to an early 7-0 lead in the first. Not to be outdone, RGIII will take one snap and run the option for an 80-yard score. The game will have a furious pace and the two rookie QBs will refuse to be contained. In a desperate effort to edge out RGIII, Pete Carroll will put Wilson in as his entire defense in the second half. On the first snap, RGIII will run straight at the one-man line, leaping through the air only to collide head-on with Wilson, causing them to morph into a super rookie (The Ryan Leaf?). With one swipe of his mighty limb, the super rookie decapitates the entire Skins offensive line, and now, with the taste of blood hot on the QB’s jowls, it becomes massive in size, towering over Century Link Field. The twelfth man is a laughable opponent and death comes quick to most. The city of Seattle is leveled. No one is spared. The Mayor of Seattle declares the city to be in a state of emergency, with a security threat level of neon green, and once again, the city calls on its lowly superhero, drunk Shawn Kemp, to save the day. Bet on no one, and may God have mercy on our souls.
See you peasants next time.
-Ryan friggin’ Leaf