SAN FRANCISCO – The eerie light of Wednesday’s full moon produced a rare spectacle, when the mysterious third Harbaugh brother, Ralphie, briefly appeared at his perch on the roof of the War Memorial Opera House in San Francisco.
With a small crowd of sports enthusiasts and cryptozoologists gathered in the courtyard below, Ralphie stepped out onto the roof at 10:46 P.M. PST, appearing gaunt and agitated. Shedding his tattered black cloak, Ralphie assumed a gargoyle-like posture, craned his head towards the sky, and began barking out coaching instructions as if he were on the sidelines of an NFL game.
“You ain’t hurt! You ain’t hurt! Keep up the surge! Third down, boys, this is the NFL, make those plays! Don’t wait for him to catch it, drill him! We got a lot of football left, we can’t relax now. Let’s go, let’s go!”
This marks the sixth appearance of Ralphie since a team of ESPN researchers discovered him in late 2007, and only the third appearance in which he has ventured to speak. Furthermore, it was the first time he ever openly acknowledged another living being, as he sustained a fiery one-way argument with a pigeon that he seemed to believe was a referee.
“WHAT?!? COME ON, REF, YOU GOTTA THROW THAT FLAG! HOW DO YOU NOT CALL THAT?!? ARE WE WATCHING THE SAME F***ING GAME?!?” he screamed at the bird.
While neither Jim nor John Harbaugh have ever publicly acknowledged their mentally disturbed brother, public record indicates that Ralphie was born in 1968 and was enrolled in public schools through the eighth grade. Leaked medical documents suggest that a debilitating spinal condition escalated in the early years of his adolescence, giving him a vaguely wolf-like posture, forcing him to abandon his football dreams. It is around this time that his name disappeared from the family history and tenants of the opera house began reporting unusual football-related occurrences.
“Uh, Pete, why is there a hunchback teaching rats offensive formations in the supply closet?” a 1982 note to the building’s landlord reads.
Though perhaps regarded with distrust in those earlier years, Ralphie is now celebrated as an icon of the theatre, and tourists often leave small offerings of fish heads and Nerf balls for the deranged Harbaugh to enjoy.
Ralphie finally indulged the public’s fervent curiosity Wednesday night, when just before scurrying back indoors, he hurled a letter attached to a rock to the courtyard below.
Scrawled with a crude charcoal implement, the letter reads: “Jim & John, why no return Ralphie’s calls? Ralphie want have Christmas with brothers. Ralphie want see real NFL locker room. Please talk to Ralphie or Ralphie will tell world about gay kiss brothers did in 1974.”
Both Jim and John Harbaugh have declined to comment on the letter.
Photo via Flickr