Embarrassed Cubs player keeps first date alive by saying he works in digital marketing

CHICAGO – Worried that his affiliation with the worst team in baseball might be a deal breaker, Chicago Cubs catcher Steve Clevenger lied on Saturday night in order to keep a promising first date alive.

Witnesses at a nightclub on Chicago’s north side report that Clevenger told his companion that he had a successful career in digital marketing, despite the fact that he had lost to the Boston Red Sox earlier that day.

“He said that he spoke at a lot of marketing conferences over the summer months, which is why he travels so much between April and September,” recalled Jessica Stevens, who was seated near Clevenger and his date.

Though a backup player with fewer than 100 career major league at-bats under his belt, Clevenger’s spot on the Cubs roster has reportedly been kryptonite to his love life.

“It’s as if he’s telling women he’s a mortician or he works with al Qaeda or something,” said a close friend under condition of anonymity. “Once he failed to disclose the fact before going out with this one girl, and as soon as he told her she threw her drink in his face and walked out.”

At Clevenger’s date on Saturday, witnesses suggest that his lie about his career held too many inconsistencies, and by the end of the night the woman had clearly grown disinterested.

“Well first off, the dude hadn’t even wiped off all his eye black from the game,” said Micaela Somers, a server who brought the pair drinks throughout the night. “And when she asked which companies he did marketing for, he could only come up with baseball names, like Rawlings and Louisville Slugger and Big League Chew. You could tell she wasn’t buying it. When he got up to go to the bathroom, she instantly started flirting with some other guys.”

According to the Google cache, Clevenger’s eHarmony profile once proudly boasted his big league status, but after several months of no apparent interest he elected to conceal that fact. Shortly thereafter, dozens of women attempted to make contact with the young catcher.

Accordingly, it has been rumored that he is working desperately to be dealt before the trade deadline.

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