MINNEAPOLIS – In a lackluster 104-91 win over University of Wisconsin-River Falls, St. Thomas’s Ryan Eisemann humiliated teammates and fans with a feeble 77-point performance.
Despite being handed more shooting opportunities than any other player on the court, the junior point guard fell laughably short of breaking any long-held NCAA scoring records, giving his anonymous Division III school practically zero chance of earning a brief cameo in the national spotlight or becoming sudden subjects of viral Internet acclaim.
Totaling a mere 56 percent of Tuesday’s record-smashing 138-point haul by Grinnell’s Jack Taylor, Eisemann’s 77 points were accumulated through an impotent, uninspired effort, characterized by a tepid 14-32 showing from behind the arc.
Eisemann managed to fire off a negligible 88 overall attempts, with shots coming at a glacial pace of roughly one every 40 seconds, giving spectators huge swathes of time to go to the bathroom or finish a game of Monopoly without missing any relevant action.
“To be honest, I don’t really want to talk about it,” sighed St. Thomas head coach Darryl Mallett. “We gave that kid every chance we could to make a name for himself and this program, and he goes out there and looks comatose on his feet. It’s shameful, if you ask me.”
Opposing fans loudly jeered Eisemann as he racked up points, chanting “DOU-BLE DI-GITS” in mockery of his inability to reach 100. After the game, a coach from UW-River Falls sent footage to ESPN with the subject line, “Jack Taylor Wannabe Breaks NCAA Record for Futility.” A producer from SportsCenter promptly responded with the following comment.
“We thank you for your submission, but unless Mr. Eisemann is severely handicapped or perhaps a golden retriever, a 77-point game is not worth our time. We will, however, forward this footage on to coaches at different Division 1 schools on the off chance that any of them are looking for a new equipment manager or sweat mopper.”
Photo: Tommie Sports