NEW YORK – On Sunday, less than 24 hours after the Pacers eliminated the Knicks in the conference semifinals, NBA commissioner David Stern announced that the Pacers’ team plane had disappeared under mysterious circumstances.
“I guess that means the Knicks move on to play the Heat,” Stern shrugged. “At this point, we can only assume that the Pacers have disappeared forever, and it seems like the best way to mourn their loss will be to enjoy a fast paced series between two of the league’s big market titans.”
Stern made the announcement shortly after holding an emergency meeting with U.S. television executives, in which they discussed strategies for averting a conference finals scenario dominated by three small market teams. While Stern claims the meeting and the announcement were in no way related, not everyone in the NBA remains entirely convinced.
“Wait, the Pacers eliminated us in Indiana—why would they be flying somewhere in the team jet?” questioned Knicks star Carmelo Anthony. “Someone needs to investigate this ASAP, ‘cause I ain’t feelin’ getting my balls handed to me by Miami.”
According to an official explanation from the league, the Pacers couldn’t find any clubs in Indiana that could accommodate their celebration, so they hopped a charter jet to Chicago. However, shortly after takeoff, the pilot was heard shouting, “ALIENS! ALIENS!” in communications with air traffic controllers, and moments later the flight disappeared from the radar.
“Terrible, just terrible,” lamented Stern. “And while we can take comfort knowing that a Heat-Knicks series will generate considerably more ad revenue, our hearts will be heavy knowing that the Pacers were vanquished by our alien foes.”
Stern has stated his intention to launch a full investigation into the disappearance, and has even given millions in cash gifts to top FBI officials in hopes that they might treat the tragedy with the same level of urgency that he is.
However, no substantial clues have yet to surface, though an elderly woman in rural Indiana has reported finding a dozen or so “very tall” men tied up in a barn on her property, none of whom seem to be aware of their names or identities.