In a shocking revelation that calls into question the legitimacy of the 2013 Boston Red Sox World Series win, the Boston Globe reported today that outfielder Daniel Nava tested positive for the hair-growth supplement Minoxidil — commonly known as Rogaine — to artificially enhance his beard.
At a hastily arranged press conference, Nava showed contrition for his actions, and asked for forgiveness from Red Sox Nation.
“I’ve always done everything I can to help my team, but I realize now that I made a grave mistake in pursuit of a World Series win,” said a clean-shaven Nava. “I am truly sorry, and hope that my actions do not taint the incredible beards of my teammates, who worked so hard all season to craft their winning whiskers.”
Sincere as Nava’s apology may have been, the reaction from the Boston media was swift and unsympathetic. “FARCIAL HAIR” screamed the headline from the Boston Herald, while the Boston Globe opted for “Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow”.
“Just as the Beantown Boys’ 2004 and 2007 World Series wins were tainted by Manny Ramirez and David “Big PED” Ortiz testing positive for steroids, the Year of the Beard will be forever known for the Nava Debacle,” wrote Globe columnist Dan Shaughnessy. “[Red Sox GM] Ben Cherington thought he had a utility outfielder, but it turns out he had a wolf in sheep’s facial hair.”
Nava’s teammate and Red Sox facial hair leader Mike Napoli angrily refuted the notion that Nava’s actions illegitimized the team’s World Series win.
“Yes, our beards were magical and pushed team unity through the roof, but they didn’t help our actual play,” Napoli said, adding that his beard occasionally acted as a detriment when he got his hands tangled in the whiskers during at-bats. “Daniel didn’t need to do what he did, but people who think this takes away from our accomplishment are full of crap.”
When reached for comment, an MLB spokesman confirmed that the league would be increasing random Minoxidil testing, and had already dispatched a team of analysts to the house of closer Brian Wilson.