Choose Your Own Adventure: RGIII Edition

No matter which team you cheer for, you can’t help but like Redskins quarterback Robert Griffin III. But due to his precarious playing style, his life is more or less a real-life version of “Final Destination,” and it’s hard to imagine him playing too much longer without succumbing to a career-ending injury. Let’s explore some possible options for how he might finish up the season.

After suffering a knee sprain Sunday, Robert Griffin III is questionable for next week’s game against the Browns. If you think he’ll take a week to heal, move on to Option A. If you think he’ll be cleared to play, move on to Option B.

Option A: RGIII watches week 15 from the sidelines, yet despite his absence, his team pulls off a big win. Conversely, the Giants and Bears each lose their games, giving the Redskins a little bit of breathing room in their hunt to clinch a playoff spot. With this in mind, the Redskins must decide whether to play a fragile RGIII in week 16 or continue to stick with Kirk Cousins, who’s been playing surprisingly well. To go with Cousins, choose Option C. To go with RGIII, choose Option D.

Option B: RGIII goes ahead and plays the game in Cleveland, figuring that, hey, it’s the Browns, what could possibly go wrong? And for the most part, he’s right: Despite attempting some risky rushing plays, the Browns can’t touch him. That is, until the fourth quarter, when Browns quarterback Brandon Weeden whips one of his wildly errant passes that goes wide of his receiver and smashes into Griffin’s knee on the sideline, hitting him at a strange enough angle that all the cartilage and tendons explode into a sludge-like matter. All the doctor has to do is poke it with a stick to determine that it’s a CAREER-ENDING INJURY.


Option C: Cousins starts the game in mesmerizing fashion, leading the team’s first three drives to touchdowns, but near the end of the first quarter he’s incapacitated with a ruthless helmet-to-helmet hit. RGIII comes in and at first appears a little wobbly, but he quickly regains his confidence and fearlessly leads the team to a commanding victory. Continue on to Option E.

Option D: RGIII storms out of the gates and begins putting on a clinic, racking up a nearly 30-point lead by the end of the first half. However, while sitting on the bench near the end of the game, he leans back and his weird Italian dude hair gets caught in a giant fan, which promptly rips his scalp off. With his brain now exposed, there’s little to no chance that he can ever make it back onto the football field. CAREER-ENDING INJURY.


Option E: It’s week 17 against the Cowboys, and due to late-season collapses from the Giants, Seahawks, and Bears, all the Redskins have to do is win the game to earn a playoff spot. The Cowboys refuse to go down quietly, though, and they carry a six-point lead late into the fourth quarter. RGIII begins a valiant drive down the field, and at third down with 10 seconds left, he realizes that it’s up to him to rush the ball into the end zone to save the season. However, when he’s just three yards from a touchdown, two defenders suddenly appear and are carrying enough momentum to permanently injure him with a hit. But it looks like there might be just enough room to squeak between them and tumble into the end zone. If you think RGIII should dart out of bounds to avoid the defenders, choose Option F. If you think he should risk the hit to sneak by the defenders, choose Option G. If you think he should slide and quickly scramble to set up another play, hopefully catching the Cowboys defense off guard, choose Option H.

Option F: Griffin smartly steers out of bounds, avoiding the hit and buying him one more shot at a touchdown. However, just as he steps out of bounds, he trips and stumbles into a cart full of asbestos that has for some reason been parked on the sideline. He inhales a toxic dose of the carcinogens and, despite notching a touchdown and earning a playoff berth on the next play, he is consequently diagnosed with lung cancer and denied a chance to lead his team in the playoffs. CAREER-ENDING INJURY.


Option G: Griffin slides, but at this point the defenders are unable to halt their momentum, and they collide with his skull with the force of a locomotive. Surely this is the kind of hit that could finish his career, but to everyone’s amazement, he staggers to his feet and rushes to the line of scrimmage to run one last play. Yet before he can start the play, he’s suddenly taken down by dozens of arrows, which have been fired at him by a band of vigilante Native Americans who are angry that the Redskins refuse to abandon their racially insensitive team name. CAREER-ENDING INJURY.


Option H: With not a centimeter to spare, Griffin barely squeaks beneath the two defenders, giving him a clear path to the end zone and the playoffs. The team then goes on to muscle its way through the postseason, and RGIII ultimately leads the Redskins to an incredible Super Bowl victory over the Texans. At 22, though, the success proves to be too much for him to handle, and he decides to retire to go join a hippie commune with Ricky Williams. Once there, he severs his spine trying to keep up with Williams’ advanced yoga regimen, which forever renders him incapable of vigorous physical activity. CAREER-ENDING INJURY.


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