CHICAGO – The Chicago Cubs fell short of a championship for the 105th consecutive season Wednesday, as the Boston Red Sox defeated the St. Louis Cardinals 6-1 to clinch the World Series title.
“We came so heartbreakingly close, but once again, we unfortunately were unable to win the World Series,” said Dale Sveum, who was recently fired as the Cubs manager after somehow managing to make the team worse than it already was. “I mean, we came 27th closest to winning the title, which is pretty dang impressive if you consider there are over seven billion people in the world. We’re in the 99.999999th percentile—the elite of the elite—but sadly we weren’t quite elite enough.”
In hopes of reversing their luck for next season, the team is already going back to the drawing board, with plans to implement factors like occasionally hitting the ball and running the bases counter-clockwise into their every-day strategy.
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