Juke News

Yankees respond to Nick Swisher beaning by pegging him three more times in dugout

New York Yankees outfielder Nick Swisher, who in a recent MLB players’ poll was named the third most hated man in baseball, had no problem living up to his reputation on Monday. After being hit by a pitch from Atlanta Braves lefty Mike Minor in the second inning, Swisher returned to the dugout only to be pegged by three additional pitches thrown by his teammates. The pitches resulted in a bruised right ribcage, a minor concussion, and a raised welt on Swisher’s left shin, all of which will keep him out of at least three games. “There’s an unspoken code of honor in this game, and so when a player like Swish gets hit, you gotta respond and hit him a few more times for good measure,” said Yankees manager Joe Girardi. “What a douche bag,” he added. The three Yankees who beaned Swisher—Jayson Nix, Robinson Cano, and Curtis Granderson—all say they did so out of a sense of duty to their teammates. “You just can’t have someone that annoying [...]

Batboys angrily dishevel batting helmets during bench-clearing brawl

Tempers spiked and benches cleared during the first game of a double header Saturday between the Double-A Huntsville Stars and Mobile BayBears, and no one reacted quite as belligerently as the teams’ batboys. As the dugouts emptied following an intentional beaning of Mobile hitter Alfredo Marte, each team’s respective batboy seemed intent on expressing his rage over the incident. After yelling at each other from across the field and making some choice inflammatory gestures, things started to get ugly. BayBears batboy Kevin Weiss acted first, swatting helmets left and right with an open palm to communicate his anger. Darren Murphy, his counterpart, responded similarly by knocking around helmets with unbridled fury. Stars equipment manager Doug Cruickshank had never seen anything quite so repulsive in his 23 years of professional baseball experience. “The unsportsmanlike attitude of these kids was simply unbelievable. So disappointing. Their job is to keep things orderly for the players so they don’t trip and get injured on equipment, and here they are displacing helmets, obstructing walkways, and [...]

Embarrassed Cubs player keeps first date alive by saying he works in digital marketing

CHICAGO – Worried that his affiliation with the worst team in baseball might be a deal breaker, Chicago Cubs catcher Steve Clevenger lied on Saturday night in order to keep a promising first date alive. Witnesses at a nightclub on Chicago’s north side report that Clevenger told his companion that he had a successful career in digital marketing, despite the fact that he had lost to the Boston Red Sox earlier that day. “He said that he spoke at a lot of marketing conferences over the summer months, which is why he travels so much between April and September,” recalled Jessica Stevens, who was seated near Clevenger and his date. Though a backup player with fewer than 100 career major league at-bats under his belt, Clevenger’s spot on the Cubs roster has reportedly been kryptonite to his love life. “It’s as if he’s telling women he’s a mortician or he works with al Qaeda or something,” said a close friend under condition of anonymity. “Once he failed to disclose the [...]

Jets admit to losing Greg McElroy in J.C. Penney four months ago

At a press conference Wednesday, New York Jets GM Mike Tannenbaum found himself in the uncomfortable position of having to account for third-string quarterback Greg McElroy’s whereabouts. After first denying McElroy’s existence, then insisting that he’d been traded, Tannenbaum made a startling confession to attending media members. “So the situation on McElroy is, well, we believe we lost him at J.C. Penney a few months back,” said Tannenbaum. “This type of thing has happened before…I know we’d accidentally locked him in a hot car with the windows up once or twice. But we’re pretty sure he might be gone for good this time around.” With so much attention and scrutiny directed towards Mark Sanchez and Tim Tebow, Tannenbaum claims that no one in the Jets organization could be reasonably held responsible for keeping tabs on McElroy. “It’s not like it was intentional or anything. We’re pretty sure the kid was playing in the clothing racks and we just forgot about him. He’s resourceful, though. I’m sure he ended up okay.” [...]