Juke News

Yankees acquire Oakland A’s to bolster playoff hopes

NEW YORK – Shrugging off allegations that they’d been eliminated from playoff contention, the New York Yankees announced Friday that they had acquired the Oakland A’s in an effort to boost their odds heading into the postseason. The Yankees, who already boast a staggering $229 million payroll, shelled out an additional quarter billion dollars late Thursday night to purchase the A’s after hours of tense negotiations. The A’s, who in winning the AL West clinched a playoff berth, will retain their current roster, but all postseason games will be played in the iconic pinstripe Yankees uniforms. Accordingly, any playoff achievements will be credited to the Yankees organization. “Listen, we don’t give a shit about rules or fair competition or anything like that—we insist on the Yankees being in the playoffs, and there’s nothing anyone can do about it,” said team owner Hal Steinbrenner at a press conference. “So, yeah, we went ahead and acquired the A’s, because what else were we supposed to do? All our guys were either old [...]

12 ways the Jaguars can get people to start coming to games

The Jacksonville Jaguars announced Thursday that they’re offering two free Bud Lights to anyone who purchases a ticket for Sunday’s game against the Indianapolis Colts. Speculation is that if enough seats go unsold, the game will be subject to a television blackout, so the team is scrambling to sell all the tickets they can before it’s too late. Truth is, though, the Jaguars are terrible, and it takes a whole lot more than two beers to be able to tolerate one of their football games. The team should be handing out kegs, if anything. But the good news is that there’s still hope. Here are 12 different things the Jaguars can do to get people to show up to their games. 1. Sign Tebow And then lower him into a pit of bloodthirsty jaguars. Everyone would love that. 2. Free dipping sauces Dipping sauces make everything better. 3. For every touchdown the Jags give up, a smokin’ babe removes an item of clothing The catch is that she starts the [...]

Joe Flacco apologizes for briefly unbuckling seat belt on party bus

BALTIMORE – In the aftermath of the now-infamous incident in which Jacoby Jones was injured by a bottle-wielding stripper while on a party bus with fellow Ravens teammates, quarterback Joe Flacco has stepped forward to apologize for briefly unbuckling his seat belt during the altercation. “I was indeed a passenger on that bus, as I’d been invited by teammates to come along and celebrate Bryant McKinnie’s birthday,” Flacco explained during a Thursday morning press conference. “While I was on the bus, a certain incident took place which caused me to briefly unbuckle my seat belt with alarm. I’m deeply ashamed of my actions, and I understand that I have failed my team as a leader. As someone who professes to be gravely serious about seat belt safety, I’d like to offer my most sincere apologies.” Flacco went on to explain that he was not aware that there would be a stripper or alcohol present when he accepted the invitation to go out with his teammates. He insisted that, for the [...]

Doctors inform Nationals that ‘Natitude’ was multiple sclerosis all along

WASHINGTON – In a somber meeting Wednesday morning, team doctors informed the Washington Nationals that the competitive symptom they’d all season described as “Natitude” was actually an aggressive form of multiple sclerosis. Though earlier in the season the team had identified Natitude as a driving force behind their World-Series-or-bust mentality, doctors made it clear to the players that it was actually the cause of their disappointing performance, and that without it they likely would not have been eliminated from playoff contention. “In your physicals many of you described a distinct tingling sensation that you’d associated with Natitude and your excitement to go out and win a championship,” said team physician Dr. Dennis Cullen. “That tingling was actually multiple sclerosis attacking your nervous system. It’s largely responsible for your lackluster performance this year, as its primary symptoms result in the deterioration of reflexes, loss of physical energy, wavering motor skills, and depleted muscle strength.” Cullen added that the multiple sclerosis was an obvious catalyst of many of the Nats’ most troubling [...]

ESPN to air new Eli Manning documentary, 'The Coloring Book of Manning'

NEW YORK – In light of the success of The Book of Manning, ESPN announced Wednesday that they would be airing a follow-up to the documentary focused more specifically on Eli Manning, called The Coloring Book of Manning. The original documentary, which aired Tuesday, centered around Archie and Olivia Manning’s struggles to raise a family amidst a culture of football stardom. The Coloring Book of Manning, however, will explore Eli Manning’s experience as a small child living in a grown man’s body. “Sometimes I still tinkle on myself in bed because warm feelings are nice,” Eli says in a trailer for the documentary, which will air sometime late next month. “But after a while it gets cold and I just end up crying until I fall asleep.” Exposing some of his lesser known hardships, such as his misunderstandings of human reproduction, his hidden injuries, and his fiery temper issues, The Coloring Book of Manning reveals a tortured young quarterback whose long history of humiliation has deprived him of the respect [...]

Report: Marc Trestman doing pretty good for guy who looks like that

CHICAGO – According to a poll of over a hundred different sportswriters, Chicago Bears first-year head coach Marc Trestman is doing pretty good for a guy who looks like that. When hired back in January, many assumed from Trestman’s off-putting appearance that he was the kind of person who might linger around playgrounds or get off to dead people, but the latest consensus shows that he is defying expectations. “Considering the guy looks like he sleeps in a coffin, I’d say he’s doing a great job,” mused Pro Football Weekly senior editor Mike Wilkening. “His play-calling’s been smart, he’s energized the offense—not bad at all for someone who looks more like an eel than a man.” Little was known about Trestman when he signed with the Bears, having spent the previous five years coaching the Montreal Alouettes of the Canadian Football League. With looks reminiscent of a flesh-eating horror movie alien, his early success has come as a pleasant surprise to all those who were initially wary of what he [...]

Pulled hamstring not as delicious as C.C. Sabathia hoped

NEW YORK – If C.C. Sabathia’s year wasn’t bad enough already, the Yankees announced Monday that the pitcher’s season had reached a premature end due to a pulled hamstring, an injury he described as “not nearly as delicious as I’d hoped.” Upon undergoing an MRI, the 289-pound ace was initially optimistic, admitting that he didn’t know much about pulled hamstrings but thought they sounded “absolutely mouthwatering.” He said that the scan of the damaged tendons appeared “tender and succulent,” but he found himself deeply disappointed when he later tried to eat them in the privacy of his home. “This had already been a rough season for me without being misled about the tastiness of my injury, but now things are feeling 10 times more hopeless,” sighed a discouraged Sabathia. “To me, a pulled hamstring sounds like some sort of savory cross between pulled pork and string cheese. But it turns out it’s not delicious at all. Even when you slather it in barbecue sauce, it still tastes like bloody rubber [...]

Miami Heat fans upset no one told them city had undefeated football team until now

MIAMI – Fans of the Miami Heat were outraged Monday upon hearing that not only did Miami have a football team, but an undefeated one at that. The notorious fair-weather fans, many of whom heard news of the Dolphins’ 3-0 start through coworkers, were deeply upset to learn that no one had told them about the football team until now. “Wait, so Miami has a good football team, too?” asked Heat fan David Young, who in recent years has mostly considered himself a fan of the Patriots, and more recently the Ravens. “Why didn’t I know about that? I could’ve been cheering for them all along!” Many of the fans, still riding the high of the Heat’s second consecutive championship, immediately swore their allegiance to the Dolphins upon hearing of their recent success. “I only found out the Dolphins existed a couple hours ago, but already I feel like I’m pretty much the biggest Dolphins fan on the planet,” boasted Tyler Metzger, who had already ordered a customized LeBron James-Ryan [...]

Yankees honor Andy Pettitte with leftover cake from Mariano Rivera ceremony

NEW YORK – The Yankees honored long-time starter Andy Pettitte on Sunday, acknowledging his impending retirement with leftover cake from an earlier ceremony honoring closer Mariano Rivera. Pettitte, who recently announced that Sunday would be his 219th and final regular-season start with the Yankees, was recognized for his service in the locker room following the team’s 2-1 loss to the San Francisco Giants. “Hey, Andy, we didn’t really have any time to do anything for you because we were mostly focused on Mariano, but on behalf of the Yankees organization, I’d like you to have some of his cake,” said manager Joe Girardi after noticing Pettitte sitting alone in the corner of the room. “You’ll always hold a special spot in Yankees history. I mean, not so special that we’re going to retire your number or give you a statue, but we’ll definitely give you, like, a 25 percent discount on tickets if you ever want to come back again to watch a game.” Also on hand for the celebration [...]

If ‘Angels in the Outfield’ were remade in 2013

It’s been a miserable season for the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim. Sitting 15.5 games back in the AL West with the season coming to a close, the team has fallen desperately short of the expectations they faced coming into 2013. Of course, bad Angels teams in the past have made miraculous comebacks, specifically the Angels in the 1994 Disney movie, Angels in the Outfield. So that got us wondering: What would happen if they remade the movie today with the current Angels team? . . . ANGELS IN THE OUTFIELD II: HEAVEN’S REVENGE INT. NIGHT CHILD’S BEDROOM Nine-year-old ROGER lies wide-awake in his bed, staring wistfully through his window at the stars above. ROGER: God, if you’re listening, I could really use your help right now. My dad says he’ll come save me from this foster home, but only if the Angels win the pennant. They’re pretty far back in the standings right now, and I don’t think they can do it without your help. And I’d really like to have [...]

Andy Reid dominant in return to favorite hamburger joint

PHILADELPHIA – Returning to Philly for the first time after coaching there for 14 seasons, Kansas City Chiefs head coach Andy Reid came out victorious, delivering a commanding performance at his favorite burger joint. Following Thursday night’s game against the Eagles, Reid hurried over to Bobby’s Burger Joint for a late-night snack, explaining that the restaurant held a very special place in his heart. “As a professional, you want to approach this just as you would any other burger joint, but the truth is, I’ve been feeling very emotional about this all week,” Reid admitted as he walked into the restaurant. “This place is very special to me, but eating is all about focus and strategy and minimizing mistakes, and I’m going to do my best to concentrate on what matters.” As he walked up to the counter, patrons greeted him with a standing ovation, and the restaurant’s manager announced that they would be retiring his favorite menu number in his honor. Once the pageantry was out of the way, [...]

Gronkowski doubtful for Week 3 with hangover

FOXBOROUGH, MA – According to a team source, New England Patriots tight end Rob Gronkowski is doubtful for Week 3, hinting that a pounding hangover will keep him sidelined. Gronkowski, who has missed the first two weeks of the season recovering from surgeries on his back and forearm, will be making an appearance at an area nightclub Saturday night that will likely see him consuming a harrowing amount of alcohol. Though he wishes a Sunday morning hangover was avoidable, he conceded that it was highly improbable. “Yeah, it sucks it has to be this way,” Gronkowski said, confirming his Saturday night plans with reporters. “But when you drink, you get hangovers, and the Gronkster’s got to drink. Beer, Jäger Bombs, tequila off your sister’s titties—whatever. Fact is, the Gronk Man’s gonna get wasted, and there’s nothing we can do about it.” The two-time Pro Bowler did offer some good news, however, noting that he was making “big-time strides” with his rehab and could probably play his first game of the [...]

Cleveland Browns drop out of AP Top 25 Poll

CLEVELAND – A day after naming Brian Hoyer starting quarterback and trading away running back Trent Richardson, the Cleveland Browns have been dropped out of the Associated Press Top 25 Poll. The weekly poll, which compiles the opinions of sportswriters across the nation to determine the country’s best 25 collegiate-level football teams, revealed in its updated rankings Thursday that the Browns had fallen out of the poll entirely, after holding the 22nd position a week earlier. “We can confirm that the Browns received zero votes in our rankings this week,” an AP spokesman stated. “They’ve always been somewhat of an anomaly in the poll anyway, considering they’re technically an NFL team, but, still, we’ve always felt it appropriate to include them, as they cannot be assessed using the traditional metrics for professional teams.” “We see them as a college team that could be very promising if their program ever figured out how to get its act together,” the spokesman added. Voters defended their decision by pointing out that Cleveland’s new [...]

New Grand Theft Auto game lets users play as Detroit Lions players

DETROIT – Following the release of Grand Theft Auto V on Tuesday, many gamers were delighted to discover that they could use Detroit Lions players as controllable characters in the game’s interactive universe. In addition to the game’s three main playable characters, designers at Rockstar Games decided to include the option to explore the fictional world with Lions players, as the narrative’s reliance on small-time criminal antics seemed to perfectly compliment the NFL team’s identity. “We kept seeing these guys getting arrested for stupid hoodlum shit, and so it seemed like an obvious move to include them in our story,” explained Sam Houser, co-founder of Rockstar Games. “The players also have a tremendous amount of money and power, which in many ways makes them more complex and interesting than the usual characters we depict.” The game allows users to play as Lions players with notable criminal histories, such as Nick Fairley, Amari Spievey, and Mikel Leshoure, and also players with violent, sociopathic tendencies, like Ndamukong Suh. The players can participate [...]

Nation’s sportswriters dream up hilarious scenario where Brian Hoyer is named an NFL starting QB

Collaborating in a lively email thread over the past several days, a number of prominent national sportswriters have dreamed up a hilarious scenario in which 27-year-old Brian Hoyer was named the starting quarterback for the Cleveland Browns. While discussing how the Browns’ situation could possibly become more pitiful in light of Brandon Weeden’s hand injury, Pro Football Weekly’s Nolan Nawrocki jokingly suggested that Hoyer could be named the team’s starter. “The guy’s a third stringer for the Browns, and he’s already been cut by three other teams, including the Cardinals, whose only prerequisite for quarterbacks is that they have arms,” Nawrocki wrote. “Can you imagine how much of a nightmare that would be? I mean, obviously they’re going to start Jason Campbell, but still, it’s just hilarious to think about.” ESPN.com’s Mike Sando hopped into the conversation and added that it’s a miracle that Hoyer made it into the NFL in the first place, having gone undrafted in the 2009 NFL Draft after a senior season at Michigan State in [...]

Todd Helton rallies teammates to help him finish third in NL West one last time

DENVER – Following his announcement that he would be retiring at the end of the season, Rockies first baseman Todd Helton asked his teammates to help him finish third in the NL West just one last time. Speaking in the locker after Monday night’s game, the 40-year-old made an emotional plea to his teammates to do whatever they could to help him go out on top. “Fellas, I’ve never asked too much for you, but right now I’d really appreciate it if you could help me end things on a high note,” Helton began. “Of course, by a high note, I mean the Rockies’ equivalent to a high note, which I’d say is probably about third place in the division.” Helton then fondly recalled the three other times the team had finished third during his 17-year tenure, moments he described as the “crowning achievements” of his career. “When we were little boys, we all dreamed of one day winning a World Series,” Helton continued. “I realized that that was clearly [...]

China announces birth of 2020 Olympic gymnastics team

BEIJING – Following news that Tokyo had been selected to host the 2020 Summer Olympic Games, the People’s Republic of China announced that their 2020 gymnastics team had officially been born. In a statement released Tuesday, the Chinese Olympic Committee said that 10 athletes total—five males and five females—had simultaneously been born in a laboratory setting, each of them genetically designed to achieve Olympic gold. To foster a team mentality, the infants will not be given names until it is time to compete, though each has a 10-digit identity code tattooed behind their ear for medical reference. “They are the best in the world in their age group, and as they continue to develop basic motor skills and the ability to crawl, they will only become better,” said coach Xia Yuan, who proudly noted that she would be training the infants until they reach the “competition age” of two and a half. “For now, we must break them of any bad habits or weaknesses while their skulls are still soft [...]

NCAA investigating Johnny Manziel for appearing in enormously profitable football broadcast

COLLEGE STATION, TX – In a statement released on Monday, the NCAA announced that it is investigating Heisman-winning quarterback Johnny Manziel for allegedly appearing in an enormously profitable football broadcast. According to the statement, the reigning Heisman winner used his name and persona to lure viewers to Saturday afternoon’s game between No. 1 Alabama and No. 6 Texas A&M, a broadcast that earned the highest ratings for a CBS regular season college football game in 23 years. “The NCAA has learned that Mr. Manziel participated in certain inappropriate activities over the weekend, and we will seek to reprimand him to the full extent of our authority,” the statement read. “Despite any heightened media exposure, Mr. Manziel is a student—not a celebrity—and he must abide to the same rules for generating millions of dollars in revenue as every other student.” The statement went on to accuse him of violating NCAA bylaw 12.5.2.1, which forbids student-athletes from using their names or likenesses for commercial purposes. By lending his likeness to CBS for [...]