Juke News

Vikings coach names himself starting QB for Sunday’s matchup vs. Packers

EDEN PRAIRIE, Minn. — With media rumors swirling after an ugly Monday Night Football loss to the New York Giants, Minnesota Vikings coach Leslie Frazier announced that  he would be giving himself the nod at quarterback this week over the newly acquired Josh Freeman and veteran signal callers Christian Ponder and Matt Cassel. “We just haven’t been executing as a team this season, and you can’t blame any one player for that, even your quarterback,” Frazier said, as he jogged off the field in shoulder pads following a strenuous throwing session. “As head coach, I have to take the blame for my team’s shortcomings. So I figured, if I’m already going to get the blame for our poor play, why not get under center so we’ll be 100 percent sure it’s my fault, and not our terrible quarterback play?” According to beat reporters who covered the Vikings practice, Frazier looked at least as good as any of the quarterbacks Minnesota had put on the field this season, if not better. [...]

NHL announces season started three weeks ago, thanks America for noticing

The National Hockey League issued a press release today stating that the 2013-14 NHL regular season started approximately three weeks ago, not like any of you dumb jerks noticed. The release, posted on the NHL’s website and authored by Commissioner Gary Bettman, reminded Americans and Canadians — but mostly Americans — that the league had kicked off another exciting season on October 2 with an electrifying matchup between two outstanding teams in the Chicago Blackhawks and Washington Capitals, in front of a near-sellout crowd and a television audience of thousands — yes, thousands. “I mean, come on, how did we not even break a million?” the release continued, “Do Americans have trouble finding channels on their television that aren’t ESPN? Our marquee game of the year, and 935,000 people watched it — and we nearly broke our all-time viewership record!” “Meanwhile 13.5 million of you mouth-breathing, one-sport watching Yankee jackoffs watched two of the worst teams in the NFL play 60 minutes of professional grab-ass. Where is the justice in [...]

Report: 70% of Monday Night Football viewers already watching Storage Wars rerun instead

A majority of viewers who tuned in to  ESPN’s Monday Night Football broadcast between the Minnesota Vikings and New York Giants have already changed the channel a mere fourteen minutes into the broadcast, according to instant viewer data provided by Nielsen. According to Nielsen, 69.53% of viewers who had their televisions tuned to ESPN at 8:30 switched to a rerun of A&E’s Storage Wars by 8:44, while an additional 22.84% chose to watch a rerun of Family Guy on TBS in which protagonist Peter Griffin writes a series of erotic novels. George Nelson, a marketing analyst from Dallas, Texas, said he was “shocked” ESPN had chosen to air tonight’s game instead of potentially more popular fare, such as bowling or bull riding. “Every Monday night, I sit down with a can of Bud Light, a bowl of Doritos, and I watch football,” Nelson said. “But not tonight. I’m not going to reward ESPN with my viewership if they’re going to punish us with such terrible matchups.” Nelson then proceeded to watch [...]

Ndomukong Suh fined $46,000 for tripping Roger Goodell

ALLEN PARK, Mich. – Detroit Lions defensive tackle Ndamukong Suh was fined $46,000 today for tripping NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell as they were leaving a disciplinary hearing, according to a press release from league offices. The trip, which occurred in front of several reporters awaiting comment on Suh’s latest fine for a hit on Cleveland Browns quarterback Brandon Weeden, was initially ruled unintentional. But after league officials reviewed the tape, they issued Suh yet another fine. In a clip obtained by TMZ, Suh appears to step in front of Goodell to hail a taxi, causing the commissioner to stumble slightly, but remain upright. Though Goodell quickly regained his composure, smiling and calling himself “a clumsy Clyde,” analysts believe Suh’s lack of apology to the commissioner may be the key reason NFL disciplinarians felt compelled to act. “When dealing with a repeat offender, the league tends to err on the side of player and commissioner safety,” said Vice President of Officiating Dean Blandino. “When we looked at the tape, there appeared [...]

Wisconsin man 'very upset' that girlfriend thinks Jay Cutler is hotter than Aaron Rodgers

BROOKFIELD, WI – Tempers flared in Wisconsin today when Brookfield resident Jennifer O’Riordan told boyfriend Ken Schulz she found Chicago Bears quarterback Jay Cutler more attractive than Green Bay Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers, resulting in a two-hour argument and subsequent silent treatment from both parties. “Ken has a legitimate man crush on Aaron Rodgers,” O’Riordan said, citing several wall posters and the pristine condition of Schulz’s authentic game-worn Rodgers jersey as evidence. “Every week, he’s talking about the throws he makes, his leadership skills, his fun-loving attitude — he can’t get enough of the guy.” O’Riordan and Schulz’s argument began after Schulz pressed her for the tenth time that week about which NFL quarterback she thought was the hottest. After telling Schulz she “could barely tell with their helmets on,” O’Riordan reluctantly named Cutler, sending Schulz into a rage. Schulz defended his actions, insisting his girlfriend’s choice of Cutler was irrational, and that, as a heterosexual man, he believed Rodgers was the natural choice. “Look, I’m not gay or anything, [...]

"You won’t believe what happened to my fantasy team last night," reports nation’s obnoxious coworkers

OFFICE, USA – After reports surfaced Monday that there was uncertainty about how their week 7 fantasy matchup was going to end up, the nation’s obnoxious coworkers reported this morning that you wouldn’t believe what happened to their fantasy team last night, adding that it was “totally crazy.” “So going into Monday Night Football, I knew it was gonna be close,” said the coworkers, who were ahead or behind a certain number of points, as is the case in every fantasy football match ever. “I really needed a win this week, so I was hoping Philip Rivers would have it in him.” The coworkers added that they were playing their brother/cousin/girlfriend/former history professor, so they knew they’d never hear the end of it at the dinner table/family reunion/shared apartment/occasional business lunch if they lost. “So it’s the fourth quarter, and I’m on pins and needles,” the coworkers said, oblivious to the fact that no fellow colleague in the history of offices has ever cared about a fellow coworker’s fantasy team. [...]

Eli Manning quarantined as lethal outbreak of Manningface sweeps Chicago

Following last night’s disheartening 27-21 loss to the Chicago Bears, the New York Giants received more bad news: quarterback Eli Manning has been quarantined following the discovery of a city-wide outbreak of Manningface, a recently discovered neurological disease that can lead to temporary or permanent facial disfigurement. As reports from Bears fans who attended last night’s game came pouring in, Illinois state health officials set up a crisis center in the Soldier Field visiting locker room, where Manningface specialists are doing everything they can to save patients from the disease’s potentially irreversible effects. “We are advising all Illinois residents to stay home until we are absolutely certain this outbreak has been contained,” said Illinois Director of Public Health LaMar Hasbrouck. “We unfortunately know very little about Manningface — but what little we do know is disturbing.” According to the National Institute of Health, residents of Chicago should seek medical attention if they experience facial paralysis, especially if the paralysis makes them look “like a deer in the headlights. But, like, [...]

Brian McCann berates child for disrespecting unwritten rules of Monopoly

Atlanta Braves catcher Brian McCann was involved in another dust-up today, berating a young child for disrespecting the unwritten rules of Monopoly during a friendly game at the Boys and Girls Club of Metro Atlanta. McCann was incensed when T.J. Nelson, 8, declined to give McCann $50 for landing on Free Parking, insisting that no such rule existed. “Look kid, I’m trying to uphold the sanctity of the game here,” McCann said, his hands wavering dangerously close to flipping over the board. “I’ve been playing Monopoly for longer than you’ve been alive, and everyone knows that landing on Free Parking entitles you to a reward. It’s just disrespectful and downright wrong to play any other way.” According to onlookers, the Free Parking snafu was not the first incident to raise McCann’s ire. Earlier in the match, he demanded to see a copy of the rules after Nelson refused to grant him and extra $100 for landing exactly on Go. A few turns later, McCann rolled a snake eyes, and threw [...]

Browns still thinking Hoyer’s their best bet for Week 6

CLEVELAND – Undeterred by news that quarterback Brian Hoyer had suffered a torn ACL, members of the Cleveland Browns’ front office have reportedly agreed that Hoyer should still be their guy. According to sources, Browns head coach Rob Chudzinski met with owner Jimmy Haslam and GM Michael Lombardi early Friday morning to discuss the team’s quarterback situation, eventually arriving at the conclusion that an undrafted benchwarmer with a crippling ligament injury was still somehow their best bet moving forward. “What we need to keep in perspective is that this is a guy who won two games in a row for us. Two!” exclaimed Haslam. “I didn’t even know that was possible. Like, I’ve seen us win one game, then lose six games, and then win another game, but to win two games in a row, and then pave the way for a third win in a row? Torn ACL or not, this Hoyer kid could potentially carry us to a six- or even seven-win season!” Though the other men initially [...]

Josh Freeman’s release looking good for once

TAMPA – The consensus among top football analysts Thursday was that quarterback Josh Freeman’s release was actually looking pretty good for once. The 25-year-old had posted dismal numbers through the first leg of the season, with a league-worst 45.7 percent completion rate and a caliber of incompetence under pressure that in recent years has only been statistically rivaled by JaMarcus Russell. His shoddy release, compounded by his chaotic footwork, resulted in dozens of cringe-worthy passes and ultimately a demotion behind rookie QB Mike Glennon. “It’s been a rough go for him so far in 2013, but I actually thought his release was pretty great today,” mused ESPN.com writer Pat Yasinskas. “I think the hostility between him and Greg Schiano had really been taking a toll on his form earlier, but now that they’re seeing eye-to-eye, his release is spot-on.” In recognition of his improvements, the Bucs awarded Freeman with 10 weeks of paid leave Thursday and relaxed his contract requirements, freeing him to sign with another team if he’d like. [...]

Rays secure away-field advantage for ALDS

CLEVELAND – The Tampa Bay Rays were feeling confident following their 4-0 AL wild-card win over the Indians Wednesday knowing that they were heading into the American League Division Series with the away-field advantage. The Rays fought valiantly to finish the regular season with fewer wins than the Red Sox, successfully positioning themselves to play the least amount of playoff games in front of their hometown fans as humanly possible. Now getting ready to square off with Boston in the ALDS, the Rays are optimistic knowing the scheduling favors their success. “I really believe that we can win any game that we set our minds to, just as long as we don’t have play in our empty, lifeless stadium in front of our crappy, dead-eyed fans,” said pitcher Alex Cobb. “Sure, the fans in Boston might boo us and stuff, but negative energy is better than no energy at all.” The Rays boast the lowest home attendance in all of baseball by a considerable margin, with a fanbase disproportionately loaded [...]

Vegas line has Bye Week as 6-point favorite over Steelers

LAS VEGAS – According to the latest figures out of Las Vegas, Bye Week is a 6- to 6.5-point favorite over the Pittsburgh Steelers going into Week 5 of the NFL season. The 0-4 Steelers find themselves as underdogs following a rough first month of football in which their defense has largely been ineffective and key players have struggled with injury. Though the Steelers have traditionally been a favorite over Bye Week in recent years, their current on-field futility has experts doubting the team’s ability to accomplish anything at all. “They just don’t really have any depth in terms of playmaking,” said Jay Rood, MGM Resorts vice president of race and sports. “Bye Week’s not a heavy hitter, either, but I can definitely see it getting the best of Pittsburgh. Maybe having all that time to kill, Roethlisberger will get bored and stick his tongue in a power outlet, putting him out of commission. I can easily see a week of nothingness taking a heavy toll on this team.” Steelers [...]

Lane Kiffin asks Alshon Jeffery for help finding gas station job

LOS ANGELES – Two days after being fired as head coach of the USC Trojans football team, sources say Lane Kiffin is on the prowl for a new job, having reportedly called Chicago Bears receiver Alshon Jeffery asking for help finding work as a gas station attendant. Starkly contrasted with the 2009 incident in which Kiffin, then coach at Tennessee, told Jeffery that, if he committed to the Gamecocks over the Vols, he would end up pumping gas for the rest of his life “like all the other players” from South Carolina, the unemployed 38-year-old now seems much more eager for Jeffery to take advantage of his gas station connections. “Listen, Alshon, I know you and I don’t have the best history, but I could really use some part-time work until I’m able to get back on my feet,” Kiffin told Jeffery in a phone call Tuesday. “Is there any chance you could possibly ask one of your former teammates to help me find a gas station job? I don’t [...]

Cubs fire Dale Sveum for dutifully upholding team legacy

CHICAGO – The Chicago Cubs announced Monday that they had fired manager Dale Sveum as a result of him dutifully upholding the team’s legacy throughout his two years on the job. Having finished the season last place in the NL Central with a 66-96 record, Sveum was deemed “a perfect fit” for the franchise’s historical narrative, preserving the storied traditions that have distinguished the Friendly Confines for over a hundred years. “Today, we made the very difficult decision to relieve Dale Sveum of his duties as Cubs manager, despite his tireless commitment to this organization’s long-held ideals,” announced team president Theo Epstein. “His extraordinary passion for underachievement has made us proud, and we have no doubt that he’ll find a new home to continue cultivating these principles—perhaps with the Marlins or the White Sox.” Having relentlessly championed the franchise’s 104-year pursuit of not being champions, Sveum was admittedly baffled by the news, saying he’d done everything in his power to foster his young roster’s shortcomings. He insisted that no other [...]

God cracking up at notion that He would allow all Pittsburgh teams to be good at same time

HEAVEN – The Eternal Kingdom echoed with laughter Monday as the creator of the universe, God, cracked up at the idea that He might allow all of Pittsburgh’s professional sports teams to be good at the same time. Sources say that the Lord Most High has been flooded with prayers from Pittsburgh residents asking Him to help alter the course of the Steelers’ 0-4 season so that it might not take away from the joy of the Pirates’ first playoff berth in two decades. God, however, is reportedly tickled by the notion, insisting that it would be easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle than for all of Pittsburgh’s teams to enjoy simultaneous success. “My beloved children of Pittsburgh, I say unto you thus: Nothing hath brought me greater joy than to hear your adorable prayers asking for that which cannot be done,” said God in a booming voice that rattled all of creation. “I have already bestowed onto you one miracle, and that is [...]

Giants to fill holes in offensive line with premium fan seating

EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ – Hoping to make something good out of the team’s NFL-worst pass protection, the New York Giants announced Friday that they will begin offering premium seating for fans inside the holes in the offensive line. Marketed as Club Blitz, the seats, retailing at $4,000 per game, will allow fans to sit inside luxurious viewing pods situated in the spacious gaps created by the Giants’ offensive linemen. After each down, a series of overhead cables will lift the safety-reinforced pods and resituate them at the line of scrimmage. “We care very deeply for our fans, and realizing that this season is going to suck for them, we decided to create Club Blitz so that they might still get some satisfaction out of attending Giants games,” explained team president John Mara. “Life gave us lemons, so we figured we’d make lemonade before Eli Manning could throw them for an interception.” The team’s offensive line, while originally projected to be competent, is missing numerous veteran players to injury and is [...]