David Stern looking forward to tonight’s Game 7 preview

by jubjub 5 hours ago in Articles

MIAMI – NBA Commissioner David Stern walked happily into American Airlines Arena early Tuesday evening, announcing to reporters that he was looking forward to what he termed “tonight’s Game 7 preview.” With disappointing television ratings for the NBA Finals thus far, it’s clearly in Stern’s best interest for the Heat to come back and nab a Game 6 win, setting up a riveting Game 7 series finale. Stern confirmed this much during a pregame press conference. “Listen, I guess the Spurs could technically win the championship tonight, but that’d be kind of boring, wouldn’t it?” he asked, diabolically stroking a hairless cat. “I’m sure San Antonio will do their best to close it out tonight, but something tells me that they’ll find it quite impossible.” Eyebrows were raised Tuesday afternoon when news broke that working Game 6 would be Joey Crawford, a veteran official who was suspended for the 2007 for his “improper conduct and lack of professionalism” in a game towards the Spurs. During this year’s Eastern Conference Finals, [...]

 
 
 
 

Erik Spoelstra thanks Make-A-Wish for opportunity to coach in Finals

by jubjub 8 hours ago in Articles

MIAMI – Speaking to reporters Tuesday afternoon, Erik Spoelstra offered his heartfelt thanks to the Make-A-Wish Foundation for once again allowing him to coach in the NBA Finals. “I never thought I would be able to coach basketball in the NBA, but then Make-A-Wish came to my mom and dad and said that they wanted to make my dream come true,” the childlike man remarked. “I’d like to say thank you to everyone at Make-A-Wish for letting me go out on the sidelines and pretend I’m a real-live coach like Gregg Popovich or Tom Thibodeau.” Though Make-A-Wish typically only grants wishes to children ages 2-18 with life-threatening illnesses, they made a rare exception for Spoelstra, who they deemed “too pitiful to ever achieve his dreams on his own volition.” In cooperation with the NBA, the charitable organization put Spoelstra in charge of the Miami Heat, largely because LeBron James’ extraordinary abilities make having a coach largely unnecessary. Though Spoelstra mostly just sits patiently on the sideline drawing irrational scribbles—or “plays”—on [...]

 
 
 
 

Ginobili on win: “One day I’ll tell my grandkids about this. Maybe tomorrow.”

by jubjub 1 day ago in Articles

SAN ANTONIO – After 18 rigorous years of playing professional basketball, Spurs shooting guard Manu Ginobili surprised fans Sunday night by throwing down an incredible 24 points and 10 assists to help boost his team to a crucial Game 5 win over the Miami Heat. The aging star hadn’t given such a dominant performance in years, and with a long and storied career to look back on, he says that this game just might be the cherry on top. “One day I’ll tell my grandkids about this,” he told reporters at a postgame press conference. “Maybe tomorrow. They’re really cute kids. I think they’d be excited to tell all their friends that their granddad beat LeBron.” Despite his prominent baldness and worn-down frame, on Sunday Ginobili hardly played like the washed-up elderly person that he’s gradually evolved into, riling up the 18,581 fans in attendance with feats that’d be impressive for a man a third his age. Yet with 169 career playoff games under his belt and free agency looming [...]

 
 
 
 

Jets pessimistic Cromartie can finish Father’s Day celebration in time for season opener

by jubjub 2 days ago in Articles

EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ – With less than three months until the start of the NFL regular season, the New York Jets are uncertain that Pro Bowl cornerback Antonio Cromartie will be available for the team’s first game due to a prolonged Father’s Day celebration that could carry on well into the fall. Cromartie, who has 12 children with eight different mothers, has in the past enjoyed Father’s Day festivities that drag on for months and months on end. Compounding matters is the fact that the children are located in six separate states, requiring Cromartie to travel extensively to fulfill his paternal obligations. “We knew that this might be an issue when we signed him, but we made a decision as an organization to always support him as a father,” explained Jets head coach Rex Ryan. “While we’d love to have him back for the start of the season, we’re unwilling to deprive little Antonia IV of her annual three-hour window to interact with her daddy.” Cromartie’s Father’s Day got off [...]

 
 
 
 

Tim Tebow leads all players in MLB All-Star fan voting

by kslane 4 days ago in Articles

Major League Baseball reported today that New England Patriots quarterback Tim Tebow is the current leading vote-getter among all players for the 84th MLB All-Star Game, with nearly 2.5 million write-in votes at first base in the American League. Tebow’s 2,493,372 appears to be big enough that he is a shoo-in starter for the July 16 game at Citi Field, easily leading Baltimore Orioles first baseman Chris Davis (1,176,016 votes), Detroit Tigers slugger Prince Fielder (1,058,371) and Boston Red Sox converted catcher Mike Napoli (489,483). While the lead is a very convincing one for Tebow, there may be some obstacles for Tebow to hurdle before he can suit up for the American League — namely that he is not a member of Major League Baseball. But Commissioner Bud Selig, who has struggled to make All-Star-Weekend relevant in previous years, seems to have no issue with Tebow potentially playing. “Major League Baseball believes strongly that fan input is the most important factor when determining All-Star lineups,” Selig said. “The fact that [...]

 
 
 
 

SportsCenter to show hockey highlights as soon as this bowling coverage is done

by kslane 5 days ago in Articles

Following a thrilling, triple-overtime win by the Chicago Blackhawks over the Boston Bruins in game one of the Stanley Cup Finals, SportsCenter anchor John Anderson promised viewers they would see highlights of all the amazing action as soon as ESPN concluded its bowling coverage. “I know a lot of viewers out there are tuning in after that epic, five-hour game in Chicago, and we will bring you highlights from that game VERY soon,” Anderson said, as SportsCenter wrapped up a 12-minute roundtable debate about whether Tim Tebow could play tight end in the New England Patriots offense. “All we have to do is play a couple more NBA highlights, hear Skip Bayless do a segment on how overrated LeBron James is, hear Stephen A. Smith’s take on Tebowmania, play ten minutes of US Men’s Soccer World Cup qualifier highlights, show this Outside the Lines story about the rise of bowling across the US thanks to ESPN playing PBA matches every weekend, and then we’ll see some hockey. Isn’t that right [...]

 
 
 
 

Astros ‘very interested’ in Roger Clemens comeback, according to Roger Clemens

by kslane 6 days ago in Articles

Citing a “very high-level, and did I mention very handsome” source, retired pitcher Roger Clemens reported today that the Houston Astros are very interested in signing him to anchor their starting rotation for the remainder of the season. “According to this source, who, I’ll be honest, is one of the smartest, most successful sources I’ve ever talked to, The Astros are preparing to make a BIG effort to convince me to come back,” said a notably heavyset Clemens as he played a copy of MVP Baseball 2005 on his Xbox attempting to pitch a perfect game as himself. “Apparently they’ve been saying that even though I’m 50, I can still pitch better than any of those pants-shitting little kids they’ve got in the rotation.” “Their words, not mine, of course,” Clemens added. “But who am I to argue?” Clemens, who  most recently attempted a comeback in 2012 with the Sugarland Skeeters of the Atlantic League of Professional Baseball, also said his source believed the Astros were willing to offer him [...]

 
 
 
 

Marlins officials admit “fans” at games are mostly just Fatheads taped to chairs

by kslane 7 days ago in Articles

After a keen-eyed Marlins fan spotted what appeared to be Green Bay Packers linebacker Clay Matthews in full uniform sitting behind home plate during last night’s Brewers-Marlins game, Marlins officials admitted today they had been strategically placing Fatheads throughout the stadium to give the appearance that people actually attend Marlins games. The stunning admission came after weeks of speculation from fans, who had reported seeing Tim Tebow, LeBron James, an astronaut, all five members of boy band One Direction, and the disembodied head of Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at games during the season. “This was an ill-advised ploy to make Marlins Park appear like a fun, lively place for Miami residents to spend an evening,” said Marlins owner Jeffrey Loria, who took full responsibility for the deception. “Our organization’s philosophy is ‘appearance over performance,’ but this obviously took that message a step too far.” Loria added that he had asked local television affiliates to show continuous loops of the stadium’s home run statue during breaks in action until he could [...]

 
 
 
 

Patriots sign Tim Tebow as a hybrid quarterback-mascot

by kslane 8 days ago in Articles

A few days ago, the New England Patriots released third-string quarterback Mike Kafka. Yesterday, the team fired the man who dressed for games as Pat Patriot, the team mascot. And today, the team filled both needs with a single player. The New England Patriots announced they have signed free agent quarterback Tim Tebow and intend to use him as a hybrid quarterback-mascot, according to coach Bill Belichick. “I’ve said over and over, I admire three things about Tim Tebow — his versatility, his intelligence, and his character,” Belichick said. “Coincidentally, those are the same three things I’ve admired about Pat Patriot. The second we lost Pat, I knew we had to sign Tim.” Tebow is expected to report to minicamp on Tuesday, where he’ll be reunited with former Broncos head coach and current Patriots offensive coordinator Josh McDaniels. He will also meet with Patriots head cheerleaders Alexandria, Allyson and Amber, where he’ll review team chants and cheer protocol. “Tim is known throughout the league as a model teammate, a great [...]

 
 
 
 

NFL lobbies for redrawing of the US-Canada border to force Buffalo Bills to join the CFL

by kslane 11 days ago in Articles

The NFL admitted today it has been secretly meeting with US and Canadian officials in an effort to redraw the two nation’s borders, annexing the city of Buffalo, New York, and forcing the Buffalo Bills to join the CFL. According to confidential meeting notes obtained by the New York Times, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell, President Barack Obama, and Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper held several clandestine meetings at a Tim Horton’s near the border to discuss the matter, with all three parties optimistic a deal could be completed. “The NFL is very happy with the existing conference and divisional structures, and is committed to keeping the league at 32 teams for the foreseeable future,” Goodell said. “However, we really want to put a team in Los Angeles, and offering the great city of Buffalo to our neighbors to the north seems to be a solution that benefits everyone involved.” “Except for the people of Buffalo, of course. But who cares about them?” Goodell added, drawing uproarious laughter from the assembled [...]

 
 
 
 

Nuggets allegedly fired George Karl in hopes of pleasing Kosta Koufos

by kslane 12 days ago in Articles

After the Denver Nuggets chose to allow their General Manager and reigning Executive of the Year Masai Ujiri to sign with the Toronto Raptors, fans were mystified. When the team announced today they had fired reigning Coach of the Year George Karl, fans were furious. Now, a source close to the team is claiming that Nuggets executives made both these contentious moves in order to please center fifth-year center Kosta Koufos, who allegedly is being consulted on all personnel moves by the organization. “The Denver Nuggets recognize that this is a league built on superstars, and keeping Kosta appraised of all major personnel decisions is crucial,” the source said. “They’ll have a better chance of retaining him when he’s due for a max contract in 2015 if he’s playing with teammates he likes, a coach he respects, and a general manager committed to winning.” Koufos, who averaged 8.0 points and 6.9 rebounds during 22.4 minutes per game, is viewed by the organization as the cornerstone to a championship contender, according [...]

 
 
 
 

MLB suspends Manny Ramirez 500 games "just for the fun of it"

by kevin 13 days ago in Articles

On the eve of possible suspensions for as many as 20 major league baseball players for their connections to a Miami-area pharmacy known for its sale of performance enhancing drugs, MLB Commissioner Bud Selig announced the league had suspended former outfielder Manny Ramirez 500 games just for the fun of it. “Given Manny’s history of repeated, brazen steroid use, suspending him again seemed like a no-brainer,” Selig said. “With so many popular and well-respected players from across the league facing lengthy suspensions and permanent asterisks next to their name, we thought we’d let fans have a bit of a laugh to take their mind off their favorite teams struggling without their best hitters.” Ramirez, who has been playing with the EDA Rhinos of the Chinese Professional Baseball League in Taiwan, has continued to hit towering home runs even at the age of 41. But with this latest suspension, a major league comeback seems unlikely, given that he will be almost 45 before he is eligible to return. Ramirez, however, chose [...]

 
 
 
 

Entire state of Indiana takes day off to watch Hoosiers for 8 hours

by kevin 14 days ago in Articles

Following the Miami Heat’s crushing defeat of the Indiana Pacers in game 7 of the NBA Eastern Conference Finals last night, 99-76, Indiana Governor Mike Pence declared a state of emergency today and encouraged citizens statewide to remain in their homes while watching the 1986 film Hoosiers on repeat. “In light of yesterday’s traumatic defeat, I knew we needed to take swift and immediate action,” Pence said. “I believe every last person in our state, from South Bend to Terre Haute, should hold their loved ones close today and let the majesty of Gene Hackman and Dennis Hopper wash over them.” Due to the state of emergency, all local television affiliates preempted regular programming in favor of continuous repeats of the David Anspaugh film, which tells the heartwarming story of a small-town high school basketball team winning the state championship, and has been hailed by many critics as one of the greatest sports movies ever made. “It was mighty decent of the Governor to give folks a day off to [...]

 
 
 
 

Hundreds of children suffer seizures after prolonged exposure to Craig Sager’s suit

by kslane 15 days ago in Articles

Hundreds of children nationwide suffered brief but intense epileptic seizures after an extended halftime interview by TNT analyst Craig Sager during tonight’s game 7 Eastern Conference Finals matchup between the Miami Heat and Indiana Pacers. Sager, well known for his obnoxiously colorful suits, had just finished talking to Heat guard Ray Allen when calls began flooding emergency rooms nationwide, in what trauma officials are calling the worst epilepsy epidemic since hundreds of Japanese children suffered similar seizures during an episode of Pokémon in 1997. Commissioner David Stern quickly issued a statement condemning Sager’s sartorial selection, and promised swift and immediate changes. “We have been notified of the issue regarding Mr. Sager’s suits, and are in talks with TNT to find out whether he would be willing to switch to a more sensible gray or black suit for the second half,” Stern said in a statement. “And Craig, no plaid or polka dots, please — stick to a navy blazer with khakis if you really want to jazz it up. “Our [...]

 
 
 
 

MLB to move All-Star Weekend up a month due to fan boredom

by kslane 18 days ago in Articles

After an MLB.com poll revealed 78% of Americans felt that the 2013 season was taking “for-fucking-ever,” Commissioner Bud Selig elected to move the 2013 All-Star Game up a month, to June 16, to stave off fan boredom. “When my wife asked me if the playoffs had started yet, I knew we had a problem,” Selig said. “I told her most teams had only played 50 or so games, and she looked at me like I was crazy.” Nearly 80% of the poll respondents found it “completely insane” that there were more than 100 games left in the season, and 21% favored instituting a temporary lockout until the playoffs started. Selig also said that June 16, which is also Father’s Day, was a logical choice for the game, as overworked dads nationwide would relish the excuse to escape their family for 3 hours. “As a father, I sympathize with all the dads out there who can’t relate to their families without the low hum of the television in the background,” Selig [...]

 
 
 
 

ESPN cuts hundreds of employees to facilitate 20-year, $485 million deal with Skip Bayless

by kevin 19 days ago in Articles

Many wondered why ESPN downsized hundreds of employees last week despite yearly profits in the billions. As it turns out, the company was ensuring they had sufficient cash reserves to sign First Take anchor Skip Bayless to an eye-popping 20-year, $485 million extension, ensuring he will remain with the Worldwide Leader in Sports through 2033. “At ESPN, we believe our employees are our most valuable asset,” said ESPN president John Skipper, as dozens of downsized employees exited the building with their belongings. “And when you have an employee as valuable as Skip, you do everything in your power to reward his hard work.” “With Skip on board for the next 20 years, we are confident ESPN will continue to offer unparalleled coverage of everything sports-related for the foreseeable future,” Skipper added, before pausing to make sure long-time columnist Lynn Hoppes had turned in his keycard and employee ID. Skipper then attempted to play a video showing highlights of Bayless’s time on First Take but was unable to make the video [...]

 
 
 
 

Popular new Astros promotion lets first 10,000 fans go home after first inning

by jubjub 20 days ago in Articles

HOUSTON – With a .288 win percentage, it’s not exactly easy for the Houston Astros to keep their fans happy. But thanks to a popular new promotion, the fans seem just as enthusiastic as they would be if the team were in first place. On all weekday home games throughout the 2013 season, the Astros are giving the first 10,000 fans red wristbands that allow them to leave the game without hassle immediately following the first inning. While ticketholders are technically allowed to leave the game whenever they choose, the promotion gives fans a guilt-free escape from the game when they might otherwise be ostracized for their weak allegiance to the team. “The people who typically leave games early tend to be business types or those who don’t have any real interest in the team,” said Astros Director of Promotions Doug Hensley. “True fans pride themselves on the fact that they’ll stick with their team through thick and thin, and this new promotion allows them to maintain that sense of [...]

 
 
 
 

Redskins owner caves to critics, changes team name to Blanket-Weavin’ Super Squantos

by manutetroll 20 days ago in Articles

WASHINGTON – Under heavy pressure from advocacy groups, pundits, and even members of Congress, Redskins owner Daniel Snyder finally caved Wednesday and announced he was changing the team’s name to the Blanket-Weavin’ Super Savages. For years opponents have blasted Snyder for sticking with the racially insensitive Redskins name, arguing that it’s derogatory towards Native Americans. Snyder told reporters that while he still doesn’t agree with his critics, he ultimately didn’t have the energy to continue fighting off the complaints. “I never believed that Redskins was a racist name, but the deafening chorus of overly-sensitive whiners was making it difficult for me to give my full attention to the team,” Snyder explained. “By changing the name to the Blanket-Weavin’ Super Squantos, I hope we can appease those critics while still maintaining a sliver of the team’s proud Native American identity.” According to a team official, the new moniker was only reached after Snyder and his confidants carefully considered dozens of other potential options, including the Weepin’ Injuns, the Maize Munchers, the [...]