Attention-starved Brian Wilson shaves Mike Napoli’s beard in jealous rage

When Red Sox first baseman Mike Napoli awoke in the middle of the night, he knew something was wrong. It wasn’t the previous night’s 4-2 loss to the Cardinals. It wasn’t the phone ringing — apparently Dunkin Donuts and Old Spice would resume their nonstop endorsement requests in the morning. It wasn’t even the strange man standing over his bed with a razor in his hand. It was his face. It was cold. As it turns out, Napoli had fallen victim to Dodgers relief pitcher and human meme Brian Wilson, who, in a fit of jealous rage, broke into Napoli’s hotel room and shaved the slugger’s much-beloved beard, hoping to bring media attention back to his own outlandish facial hair. Though his lawyers repeatedly advised him against talking to the press, Wilson was unable to contain himself once a microphone was present. “Ladies and gentlemen, I have just one thing to say: EPIC PRANK!” said Wilson, whose beard appeared to have bits of Napoli’s glued to it so as to [...]

Vikings coach names himself starting QB for Sunday’s matchup vs. Packers

EDEN PRAIRIE, Minn. — With media rumors swirling after an ugly Monday Night Football loss to the New York Giants, Minnesota Vikings coach Leslie Frazier announced that  he would be giving himself the nod at quarterback this week over the newly acquired Josh Freeman and veteran signal callers Christian Ponder and Matt Cassel. “We just haven’t been executing as a team this season, and you can’t blame any one player for that, even your quarterback,” Frazier said, as he jogged off the field in shoulder pads following a strenuous throwing session. “As head coach, I have to take the blame for my team’s shortcomings. So I figured, if I’m already going to get the blame for our poor play, why not get under center so we’ll be 100 percent sure it’s my fault, and not our terrible quarterback play?” According to beat reporters who covered the Vikings practice, Frazier looked at least as good as any of the quarterbacks Minnesota had put on the field this season, if not better. [...]

NHL announces season started three weeks ago, thanks America for noticing

The National Hockey League issued a press release today stating that the 2013-14 NHL regular season started approximately three weeks ago, not like any of you dumb jerks noticed. The release, posted on the NHL’s website and authored by Commissioner Gary Bettman, reminded Americans and Canadians — but mostly Americans — that the league had kicked off another exciting season on October 2 with an electrifying matchup between two outstanding teams in the Chicago Blackhawks and Washington Capitals, in front of a near-sellout crowd and a television audience of thousands — yes, thousands. “I mean, come on, how did we not even break a million?” the release continued, “Do Americans have trouble finding channels on their television that aren’t ESPN? Our marquee game of the year, and 935,000 people watched it — and we nearly broke our all-time viewership record!” “Meanwhile 13.5 million of you mouth-breathing, one-sport watching Yankee jackoffs watched two of the worst teams in the NFL play 60 minutes of professional grab-ass. Where is the justice in [...]

Report: 70% of Monday Night Football viewers already watching Storage Wars rerun instead

A majority of viewers who tuned in to  ESPN’s Monday Night Football broadcast between the Minnesota Vikings and New York Giants have already changed the channel a mere fourteen minutes into the broadcast, according to instant viewer data provided by Nielsen. According to Nielsen, 69.53% of viewers who had their televisions tuned to ESPN at 8:30 switched to a rerun of A&E’s Storage Wars by 8:44, while an additional 22.84% chose to watch a rerun of Family Guy on TBS in which protagonist Peter Griffin writes a series of erotic novels. George Nelson, a marketing analyst from Dallas, Texas, said he was “shocked” ESPN had chosen to air tonight’s game instead of potentially more popular fare, such as bowling or bull riding. “Every Monday night, I sit down with a can of Bud Light, a bowl of Doritos, and I watch football,” Nelson said. “But not tonight. I’m not going to reward ESPN with my viewership if they’re going to punish us with such terrible matchups.” Nelson then proceeded to watch [...]

Ndomukong Suh fined $46,000 for tripping Roger Goodell

ALLEN PARK, Mich. – Detroit Lions defensive tackle Ndamukong Suh was fined $46,000 today for tripping NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell as they were leaving a disciplinary hearing, according to a press release from league offices. The trip, which occurred in front of several reporters awaiting comment on Suh’s latest fine for a hit on Cleveland Browns quarterback Brandon Weeden, was initially ruled unintentional. But after league officials reviewed the tape, they issued Suh yet another fine. In a clip obtained by TMZ, Suh appears to step in front of Goodell to hail a taxi, causing the commissioner to stumble slightly, but remain upright. Though Goodell quickly regained his composure, smiling and calling himself “a clumsy Clyde,” analysts believe Suh’s lack of apology to the commissioner may be the key reason NFL disciplinarians felt compelled to act. “When dealing with a repeat offender, the league tends to err on the side of player and commissioner safety,” said Vice President of Officiating Dean Blandino. “When we looked at the tape, there appeared [...]

Wisconsin man 'very upset' that girlfriend thinks Jay Cutler is hotter than Aaron Rodgers

BROOKFIELD, WI – Tempers flared in Wisconsin today when Brookfield resident Jennifer O’Riordan told boyfriend Ken Schulz she found Chicago Bears quarterback Jay Cutler more attractive than Green Bay Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers, resulting in a two-hour argument and subsequent silent treatment from both parties. “Ken has a legitimate man crush on Aaron Rodgers,” O’Riordan said, citing several wall posters and the pristine condition of Schulz’s authentic game-worn Rodgers jersey as evidence. “Every week, he’s talking about the throws he makes, his leadership skills, his fun-loving attitude — he can’t get enough of the guy.” O’Riordan and Schulz’s argument began after Schulz pressed her for the tenth time that week about which NFL quarterback she thought was the hottest. After telling Schulz she “could barely tell with their helmets on,” O’Riordan reluctantly named Cutler, sending Schulz into a rage. Schulz defended his actions, insisting his girlfriend’s choice of Cutler was irrational, and that, as a heterosexual man, he believed Rodgers was the natural choice. “Look, I’m not gay or anything, [...]

"You won’t believe what happened to my fantasy team last night," reports nation’s obnoxious coworkers

OFFICE, USA – After reports surfaced Monday that there was uncertainty about how their week 7 fantasy matchup was going to end up, the nation’s obnoxious coworkers reported this morning that you wouldn’t believe what happened to their fantasy team last night, adding that it was “totally crazy.” “So going into Monday Night Football, I knew it was gonna be close,” said the coworkers, who were ahead or behind a certain number of points, as is the case in every fantasy football match ever. “I really needed a win this week, so I was hoping Philip Rivers would have it in him.” The coworkers added that they were playing their brother/cousin/girlfriend/former history professor, so they knew they’d never hear the end of it at the dinner table/family reunion/shared apartment/occasional business lunch if they lost. “So it’s the fourth quarter, and I’m on pins and needles,” the coworkers said, oblivious to the fact that no fellow colleague in the history of offices has ever cared about a fellow coworker’s fantasy team. [...]

Eli Manning quarantined as lethal outbreak of Manningface sweeps Chicago

Following last night’s disheartening 27-21 loss to the Chicago Bears, the New York Giants received more bad news: quarterback Eli Manning has been quarantined following the discovery of a city-wide outbreak of Manningface, a recently discovered neurological disease that can lead to temporary or permanent facial disfigurement. As reports from Bears fans who attended last night’s game came pouring in, Illinois state health officials set up a crisis center in the Soldier Field visiting locker room, where Manningface specialists are doing everything they can to save patients from the disease’s potentially irreversible effects. “We are advising all Illinois residents to stay home until we are absolutely certain this outbreak has been contained,” said Illinois Director of Public Health LaMar Hasbrouck. “We unfortunately know very little about Manningface — but what little we do know is disturbing.” According to the National Institute of Health, residents of Chicago should seek medical attention if they experience facial paralysis, especially if the paralysis makes them look “like a deer in the headlights. But, like, [...]

Brian McCann berates child for disrespecting unwritten rules of Monopoly

Atlanta Braves catcher Brian McCann was involved in another dust-up today, berating a young child for disrespecting the unwritten rules of Monopoly during a friendly game at the Boys and Girls Club of Metro Atlanta. McCann was incensed when T.J. Nelson, 8, declined to give McCann $50 for landing on Free Parking, insisting that no such rule existed. “Look kid, I’m trying to uphold the sanctity of the game here,” McCann said, his hands wavering dangerously close to flipping over the board. “I’ve been playing Monopoly for longer than you’ve been alive, and everyone knows that landing on Free Parking entitles you to a reward. It’s just disrespectful and downright wrong to play any other way.” According to onlookers, the Free Parking snafu was not the first incident to raise McCann’s ire. Earlier in the match, he demanded to see a copy of the rules after Nelson refused to grant him and extra $100 for landing exactly on Go. A few turns later, McCann rolled a snake eyes, and threw [...]