“But how ‘free’ is free agency, really?” muses Robin Canó during six-hour meeting with Yankees executives

NEW YORK, NY — Though the New York Yankees described their six-hour meeting with free agent second baseman Robinson Canó as “very productive,” unnamed sources reported today that Canó spent much of the meeting waxing philosophical on the concept of liberty and whether a free agent was truly free, to the great frustration of Yankees executives. “In one sense, free agency simply implies I’m able to rationally act within the constructs collectively agreed upon by a naturally occurring social structure — manifested in this case by the owners and MLBPA,” said Canó, occasionally checking his copy of Thomas Hobbes’ Leviathan. “But in another sense, as the premier second baseman in baseball, I’m restricting my agency by subjugating myself to the rule of a highly restrictive authority. Locke, I believe, would posit that my God-given ability to get a $300 million contract would only be possible in a state of nature free of the CBA’s Draconian influence.” “And what of this word, “free”? Canó continued, as Yankees executives checked their watches. [...]

NFL honors Veterans by refraining from comparing football to war for 24 hours

TAMPA, FL — The NFL and NFLPA continued its long history of honoring veterans and active duty members of the military today by pledging to refrain from hyperbolically comparing football to war for 24 hours on Veterans Day, according to a press release. Along with wearing commemorative hats, gloves, and using camouflage Gatorade towels on the sideline, coaches and players will not refer to rallying the troops, doing battle, going to war, fighting it out in the trenches, or use any other euphemism that suggests grown men playing a sport for millions of dollars can be compared in any way to the men and women who have seen active duty in the United States Military. Greg Schiano, the fiery coach of the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, admitted he was struggling to find the right words to motivate his 0-8 team without relying on well-worn war tropes. “Come on guys, we’ve gotta go out there and play our game, we’ve gotta battle– no wait, dammit,” Schiano said, as he crossed a line [...]

Study: 63% of SEC school alums aged 22-28 have been drunk since 9 AM

In an incredibly sloppy poll conducted at tailgates and sports bars nationwide, approximately 63% of SEC school alums aged 22-28 were found to have been legally intoxicated since 9AM this morning. An additional 23% of recent graduates were found to be “buzzed,” while 9% claimed to be the designated driver, limiting their beer consumption to an even dozen. “Win or lose we STILL BOOZE!!! YEAH!!!!!” said Stuart Boone, 24, a financial analyst and University of Florida graduate who works 60 hours a week and recently bought a condo with his fiance. “GOOOOOO GATORS!!!!! WOOOOOO!” Polls found that though as many as 89% of recent SEC alums do in fact live the majority of their lives as fully functioning adults, they almost uniformly morph into raging drunken idiots for 13 saturdays out of the year, awakening even earlier than they would for their regular jobs to consume mass quantities of alcohol. Kevin Pickens, 26, a paralegal now living in Birmingham, responded to each question posed by researchers with “ROLL TIDE!” including [...]

Richie Incognito claims controversial voicemail was meant for friend named Jonathan Hafnegger

In his first substantive comments since being suspended indefinitely by the Miami Dolphins for allegedly bullying teammate Jonathan Martin, Richie Incognito claimed he dialed the wrong number when he left a threatening, racist voicemail for Martin, instead intending to leave a message for his good friend Jonathan Hafnegger. “Though I am deeply sorry for the hurt I have caused my teammate Jonathan Martin with my message, the fact is that I accidentally called the wrong Jon in my phone,” said Incognito, adding that his overly large hands left him especially prone to misdials. “Jon H and Jon M are right next to each other, so I’ve made that mistake a million times. I think I sent Martin a bunch of texts meant for Hafnegger too, actually.” Incognito also said the highly scrutinized parts of the voicemail where he said he would “[defecate] in your [dang] mouth,” threatened to “slap your mother across the face,” and called the listener a “[Hafnegger] piece of [excrement],” were inside jokes that only Hafnegger would [...]

Michael Carter-Williams wondering why Sixers GM keeps trying to squash him with anvil

Michael Carter-Williams worried he would lose minutes to more experienced veterans as a rookie for the Philadelphia 76ers. But after a stellar early-season performance netted him NBA Player of the Week honors and victories over the Heat and Bulls and , he’s no longer looking over his shoulder. Except for when he’s avoiding the giant anvil someone keeps trying to drop on him. Over the course of the last week, Carter-Williams has narrowly avoided being crushed by a giant falling anvil at the Sixers practice facility three times. While no one has been officially blamed for the near-accidents, many suspect Sixers GM Sam Hinkie, who has allegedly been going to great lengths to ensure Carter-Williams’ stellar play does not derail the team’s plan of tanking the regular season in order to secure a top-3 pick in the loaded 2014 draft. Carter-Williams, to his credit, strongly defended his GM. “The reports out there about Sam trying to hurt me are a bunch of bull,” Carter-Williams said. “Sam has been like a [...]

Mariano Rivera politely asks store clerk to stop playing Enter Sandman every time he picks up his dry cleaning

After politely smiling the first few times Enter Sandman blasted through the speakers of American Threads Dry Cleaners to mark his arrival, former New York Yankees closer Mariano Rivera today asked American Threads clerk Randall Podolski to stop playing the Metallica hit song every time he came to pick up his suits and sport coats. “I know he means well, but honestly, it’s a little disrespectful,” Rivera said. “I used that song to pump me up for the biggest moments of my life. It got me through 19 seasons, five World Series wins, and 652 saves. To hear that thundering guitar riff when I’m picking up my wife’s cocktail dress really cheapens it.” “Just play some Steely Dan or something,” Rivera added. “Or some Michael McDonald-era Doobie Brothers. You know… dry cleaner music.” While Podolski quickly agreed to drop the Enter Sandman routine, he insisted the song was intended as a sign of respect for Rivera’s craft and years of consistency. “Mariano, he’s been coming in here for 19 years, [...]

Red Sox World Series win ends lifetime of sports failures for Boston sports fan, age 2

Thousands of Red Sox fans took to the streets last night to celebrate their third World Series win in nine years, and first win at home in nearly a century. But for South Boston resident Brendan McLaughlin, the Sox finally winning it all was the experience of a lifetime. After what felt like a million years because his undeveloped brain cannot yet conceive of time, McLaughlin, who is almost two and a half, finally witnessed what his parents have told him is his favorite team reach the pinnacle of professional baseball. “I’m so happy Brendan finally got to see a Boston sports win,” said Brendan’s father Joe. “He was fast asleep during the first nine innings, but like magic, he woke up after I tapped his head a dozen or so times to see Koji close it out. Bless his little heart.” According to the McLaughlins, Brendan’s favorite player is David Ortiz, a conclusion they reached after swearing he smiled at the television once when Ortiz was up to bat. [...]

Chicago Cubs fall short of World Series title

CHICAGO – The Chicago Cubs fell short of a championship for the 105th consecutive season Wednesday, as the Boston Red Sox defeated the St. Louis Cardinals 6-1 to clinch the World Series title. “We came so heartbreakingly close, but once again, we unfortunately were unable to win the World Series,” said Dale Sveum, who was recently fired as the Cubs manager after somehow managing to make the team worse than it already was. “I mean, we came 27th closest to winning the title, which is pretty dang impressive if you consider there are over seven billion people in the world. We’re in the 99.999999th percentile—the elite of the elite—but sadly we weren’t quite elite enough.” In hopes of reversing their luck for next season, the team is already going back to the drawing board, with plans to implement factors like occasionally hitting the ball and running the bases counter-clockwise into their every-day strategy.

Lob City files for bankruptcy after loss to Lakers

Following an embarrassing 116-103 season-opening loss to the crosstown Los Angeles Lakers, the acting government of Lob City filed for Chapter 9 municipal bankruptcy, citing an unsustainable demand for oops and slams that has left the city overextended and deeply in debt. The bankruptcy came as a shock to some, as Lob City’s product — though sometimes volatile — seemed to stabilize after a disappointing 4th quarter performance last year. But with hundreds of millions invested in long-term assets, Lob City was forced to borrow against interest in their YouTube compilations — generally considered a dangerous move by financial analysts, especially with Lob City balance sheets showed significant major losses. “Lob City’s revenue base is unique among NBA cities, as its revenue is directly tied to the performance of the Lakers,” said NBA analyst Zach Lowe. “With Lob City taking such a beating at the hands of their crosstown rivals, residents of Lob City will soon be moving back to Los Angeles.” “Fewer residents means a smaller tax base, just [...]