NBC pulls confusing ads promoting next Sunday’s Manning II -- RG III III matchup

Following the successful promotion of last night’s Denver Broncos – New England Patriots matchup as Manning — Brady XIV, NBC executives were quick to promote next week’s Sunday Night Football game between the New York Giants and Washington Redskins using the same roman numeral format, underscoring the Super Bowl-level importance of the game. However, only hours after debuting a new campaign centered around star quarterbacks Eli Manning and Robert Griffin III, NBC decided to pull the ads — which billed the game as Manning II — RG III III — after realizing how confusing they were to viewers. “Last night’s Manning — Brady XIV was a modern classic — maybe the most exciting game of football this year,” said NBC Sports executive producer Sam Flood. “As such, we at NBC felt compelled to ‘keep a good thing going’ with next week’s great NFC East matchup between two longtime rivals. Unfortunately, the fine folks in creative at NBC failed to realize how difficult that would be with two quarterbacks who need [...]

University of Colorado students encourage football team to accept invitation to Smokah Bowl

BOULDER, CO — With only a few weeks left in the college football regular season, students at the University of Colorado held a press conference at 4:20 local time today announcing their hopes that UC Athletic Director Rick George would accept an invitation to the Smokah Bowl on behalf of the football team. Though not generally known as a high-stakes contest, the Smokah Bowl, sponsored by Taco Bell and Flamin’ Hot Cheetos, has historically drawn high ratings despite airing at midnight on Adult Swim. “With a 4-6 record and two tough games against USC and Utah, it’s highly unlikely the Buffs will tapped for any other bowls,” said student president Harrison Butler between mouthfuls of Funyuns. “Every season has its ups and downs, but we’ve had quite a few lows lately. Why not end the season on a high note?” Several UC players expressed support for the Smokah Bowl opportunity, and hoped it would lead to more invites down the pipeline. “The Smokah Bowl would really mellow all the harsh [...]

Daniel Nava admits beard was artificially enhanced after testing positive for Rogaine

In a shocking revelation that calls into question the legitimacy of the 2013 Boston Red Sox World Series win, the Boston Globe reported today that outfielder Daniel Nava tested positive for the hair-growth supplement Minoxidil — commonly known as Rogaine — to artificially enhance his beard. At a hastily arranged press conference, Nava showed contrition for his actions, and asked for forgiveness from Red Sox Nation. “I’ve always done everything I can to help my team, but I realize now that I made a grave mistake in pursuit of a World Series win,” said a clean-shaven Nava. “I am truly sorry, and hope that my actions do not taint the incredible beards of my teammates, who worked so hard all season to craft their winning whiskers.” Sincere as Nava’s apology may have been, the reaction from the Boston media was swift and unsympathetic. “FARCIAL HAIR” screamed the headline from the Boston Herald, while the Boston Globe opted for “Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow”. “Just as the Beantown Boys’ 2004 and 2007 [...]

Whoops: Watch a golf legend's trick shot ricochet into his own groin

Chi-Chi Rodriguez has been smacking balls off of tees for over 70 years. But if this trick shot gone wrong is any indication, he may want to hang up the spikes for good if he values the health of his testes. The nut-crunching shot occurred during filming of the Golf Channel reality show The Big Break, in which Rodriguez attempted to break a pane of glass with his swing. Unfortunately, the glass fought back, and Rodriguez probably had to hit the clubhouse early for a bag of ice. Full video of the incident can be seen here. Or, if you prefer, you can watch Hans Moleman’s magnum opus, Man Getting Hit by Football.  

Area man more likely to watch ESPN's Monday Night Countdown after learning it's Served by Applebee's

ASHEVILLE, NC — While surfing channels waiting for tonight’s Monday Night Football matchup between the Carolina Panthers and New England Patriots, local man Barry Sutton settled on ESPN’s Monday Night Countdown, largely because the program is Served by Applebee’s™. “Woah, the ‘Bee’s™ is servin’ up some tasty football insight?” Sutton said, sitting up from his couch and knocking aside his Car Side to Go™ box, containing remnants of last night’s 2 for $20 Meal Deal.™ “That’s a hell of a restaurant, hell of a restaurant. Guess those jokers at ESPN finally got something right.” Sutton, who usually listens to sports talk radio instead of watching ESPN before Panthers games because he believes in “supporting local small businesses,” was nevertheless swayed by Applebee’s™ ringing endorsement. “I know Applebee’s™ is nationwide, but they’ve always made sure I’m Eating Good in the Neighborhood™, you know?” Sutton said, pausing to reheat some Crunchy Onion Rings™ from last night’s trip to Applebee’s™. “I can put down a whole 2 for $20 Meal Deal™ by myself, and my [...]

Tank Johnson decommissioned by U.S. military

Over two years after his release from the Cincinnati Bengals, the United States military announced today that they had officially decommissioned former defensive tackle Tank Johnson, saying the NFL deserved a leaner, more efficient model fit for today’s gridiron battles. Following in the large tracks of the Tank Destroyer, The 2004 Tank Johnson (Model DT-95) was renowned for its large but mobile build and gaudy appearance. Though the military faced scrutiny after it was revealed Johnson had been outfitted with illegally obtained assault rifles and 37mm tank guns, Coordinators of Defense across the NFL couldn’t resist Tank’s potential for lethal destruction. “On paper, Tank Johnson was built from the blueprints of success,” said military spokesman Lenny Howard. “But much like the federal budget, the DT-95 was ultimately a bloated nuisance that caused more trouble than it was worth.” Coming out of Washington, Johnson’s extra large chassis could cover 40 yards in under 4.7 seconds, and was a favorite of defense contractors for its raw power and explosiveness. However, after multiple [...]

“But how ‘free’ is free agency, really?” muses Robin Canó during six-hour meeting with Yankees executives

NEW YORK, NY — Though the New York Yankees described their six-hour meeting with free agent second baseman Robinson Canó as “very productive,” unnamed sources reported today that Canó spent much of the meeting waxing philosophical on the concept of liberty and whether a free agent was truly free, to the great frustration of Yankees executives. “In one sense, free agency simply implies I’m able to rationally act within the constructs collectively agreed upon by a naturally occurring social structure — manifested in this case by the owners and MLBPA,” said Canó, occasionally checking his copy of Thomas Hobbes’ Leviathan. “But in another sense, as the premier second baseman in baseball, I’m restricting my agency by subjugating myself to the rule of a highly restrictive authority. Locke, I believe, would posit that my God-given ability to get a $300 million contract would only be possible in a state of nature free of the CBA’s Draconian influence.” “And what of this word, “free”? Canó continued, as Yankees executives checked their watches. [...]