There’s nothing realistic about a dog competing against humans in sports, but the Air Bud series has somehow managed to squeeze out six different movies from that exact premise. If they’re going to keep deluding little kids into thinking that dogs can play sports, they should at the very least give an honest portrayal of what the sports world is really like. So we took the liberty of doing that for them. Here’s a sneak preview of a few different scenes from our forthcoming film, Air Bud in the Real World. ~ Page 4 INT. BREEDER’S HOUSE A tired golden retriever named ROSIE has just given birth to nine puppies. Suddenly, Alabama football coach NICK SABAN storms into the room. NICK SABAN: Hey, dog, can any of those pups play football? ROSIE: [whimpers with exhaustion] NICK SABAN: How ‘bout that big one in the back? Can I sign him? ROSIE: [stares blankly, unable to understand English] NICK SABAN: No objections? Great. We’ll call him Air Bud. As of today, he’s [...]
Ladies and gentlemen, the prize of the 2020 NBA Draft.
And just imagine what he might do if you throw one down the middle.
NEW YORK – 76ers center Andrew Bynum was a unanimous pick for the All-NBA 63rd team, as determined by a panel of writers and broadcasters in the U.S. and Canada. Bynum received the honor after a hugely disappointing season in Philadelphia, in which he failed to play a single game despite earning nearly $17 million. Riddled by an endless array of injuries, including one he sustained while bowling, Bynum’s season will likely go down as one of the most futile efforts in NBA history. “Andrew truly deserved every single one of the 119 votes he received,” said an anonymous official who oversaw the balloting. “It takes a real professional to be that consistently horrible. You might’ve thought he would’ve at least tried to play a little bit, but nope. I’ve never seen someone so committed to sucking.” Several analysts projections had Bynum landing a spot on the All-NBA 59th team, but these estimates proved entirely too optimistic. Many voters said they reached their decision not only by measuring his lack [...]
VANCOUVER, British Columbia – The Vancouver Canucks fired coach Alain Vigneault Wednesday in response to the team’s disappointing playoff elimination. After seven years with the team, however, Vigneault told reporters that he was looking forward to time off and that he was hoping to resume work as the talking wart in Dr. Scholl’s commercials. “I love hockey, but acting is my true passion,” Vigneault explained. “So maybe getting fired is a blessing in disguise.” Vigneault played the character for several years but ultimately had to forfeit the role to focus on the Canucks. His stout build and ornery disposition made him an ideal candidate to play a villainous skin growth. “We loved Alain from the moment he auditioned,” said Dr. Scholl’s advertising director Glenda Murray. “The way he would get all riled up, with his little forehead veins bulging out—he was a much more convincing wart than whatever the CGI guys were pitching us.” Vigneault was so passionate about the role that oftentimes his players would use it against him. [...]
CLEVELAND – Shortly after taking home the top prize in Tuesday’s NBA Draft Lottery, the Cavaliers announced that they were very excited at the prospect of ruining the first chapter of Kentucky power forward Nerlens Noel’s career. Noel, the consensus top pick in the upcoming draft, was initially enthusiastic at the prospect of playing alongside Kyrie Irving and the rest of the emerging Cleveland roster, but owner Dan Gilbert quickly put the damper on his expectations. “It will be an immense pleasure to watch Nerlens’ excellent shot-blocking and rim protection skills go entirely to waste within our pathetic franchise,” said a cheery Gilbert. “While he’ll surely abandon us as soon as he gets the chance, we’ll make sure to pack an entire career’s worth of misery into the few years he’s with us.” The Cavs, who finished the season with a dismal 24-58 record, should theoretically get a boost next season with the addition of Noel, but few people within the organization see that happening. “Well, truth is, the kid’s [...]
Behold, readers. This is fine art at its finest.
The best thing that came out of the draft lottery was this picture of Kevin Love playing with a Kevin Love action figure
That’s right, buddy. It’s you, but littler.
See, he can do stuff besides flopping.
CHICAGO – Bears GM Phil Emery announced Wednesday that the team had signed free agent quarterback Tim Tebow to fill the role of overhyped white guy left by Brian Urlacher. The announcement came just hours after news broke that Urlacher had retired from the NFL. With Urlacher completely out of the picture, the team seemed eager to fill some of the hole he left behind. “Don’t get me wrong, Urlacher’s a guaranteed Hall of Famer, and for many years he was the heartbeat of this team,” said Emery. “But he got old, and he got slow, and there were a few years there where his production didn’t match the money we were giving him—he was overhyped, essentially.” He continued: “When it comes to Tebow, any hype is too much hype, so he should fill Urlacher’s role with ease. Of course, Urlacher had way more talent than Tebow, but considering all of Urlacher’s injuries, I think everything balances out.” Though many fans have disputed the claim that Urlacher was overhyped, they [...]
The Professional Golfer’s Association of America awarded Sergio Garcia a $50,000 bonus Wednesday morning in recognition of a racist remark he made towards world No. 1 Tiger Woods. Garcia made the remark Tuesday night at the European Tour awards dinner, joking that he would give Woods fried chicken at next month’s U.S. Open. While the comment undeniably played off an offensive African-American stereotype, PGA officials insist that it honored the rich traditions of professional golf in the United States. “We commend Garcia for contributing to the proud history of Caucasian superiority on which professional golf has grown and flourished,” the PGA stated in a press release. “Golf has always been about privileged white people participating in mildly rigorous competition in front of crowds of other privileged white people. We applaud Garcia for being a champion of these ideals.” This marks the second occasion this year in which Woods has been disparaged for his skin color. The first occurred during The Masters, when Augusta National forced him to use a separate [...]
TUNE LAND – Sadness spread throughout the tune-i-verse on Tuesday following news that the Looney Tunes had been taken as slaves by a gang of evil aliens. Bugs & Co. forfeited their freedom after losing a do-or-die basketball game to the aliens, who had stolen the talents of popular NBA stars to gain a competitive advantage. According to sources, the Looney Tunes had initially recruited Bulls point guard Derrick Rose to help them win the game, but Rose backed out at the last moment, stating that he was still wasn’t ready to return from the knee injury he suffered during the 2012 postseason. “Sorry, Tunes, but I’m just not entirely mentally ready yet,” Rose explained. “I’m sure slavery won’t be that bad. Maybe some sort of alien Abraham Lincoln will emancipate you one day.” The Tunes reminded Rose that he’d been cleared to play nearly five months ago and that his knee was in perfect condition, but the former MVP was unwilling to change his mind. “You’re just a big [...]
And unlike his dad, he didn’t have to bust anyone’s skull to make it happen.
CLEVELAND – Coming off a four-game sweep of the Mariners, the Cleveland Indians are the hottest team in baseball, perched comfortably atop the AL Central with a 26-17 record. With such momentum moving into the thick of the season, the team is confident that they can finish 2013 at third in their division. “This is Cleveland, so we’re inevitably going to collapse at some point,” noted Indians manager Terry Francona. “But we’re putting up such good numbers right now that even with a collapse we might still avoid falling to the bottom of the standings.” The Indians—who stood in first place until late July in 2011 and late June in 2013—have traditionally lost steam at the times of the season when performance really matters, and early success has rarely been a cause for optimism. Accordingly, the team assumes they will almost certainly fall behind the reigning American League champion Tigers, and likely the Royals as well, but they’re keeping their hopes up that they can finish better than their miserable [...]
No wonder Beckham retired. (via Reddit)