NBC pulls confusing ads promoting next Sunday’s Manning II -- RG III III matchup

Following the successful promotion of last night’s Denver Broncos – New England Patriots matchup as Manning — Brady XIV, NBC executives were quick to promote next week’s Sunday Night Football game between the New York Giants and Washington Redskins using the same roman numeral format, underscoring the Super Bowl-level importance of the game. However, only hours after debuting a new campaign centered around star quarterbacks Eli Manning and Robert Griffin III, NBC decided to pull the ads — which billed the game as Manning II — RG III III — after realizing how confusing they were to viewers. “Last night’s Manning — Brady XIV was a modern classic — maybe the most exciting game of football this year,” said NBC Sports executive producer Sam Flood. “As such, we at NBC felt compelled to ‘keep a good thing going’ with next week’s great NFC East matchup between two longtime rivals. Unfortunately, the fine folks in creative at NBC failed to realize how difficult that would be with two quarterbacks who need [...]

University of Colorado students encourage football team to accept invitation to Smokah Bowl

BOULDER, CO — With only a few weeks left in the college football regular season, students at the University of Colorado held a press conference at 4:20 local time today announcing their hopes that UC Athletic Director Rick George would accept an invitation to the Smokah Bowl on behalf of the football team. Though not generally known as a high-stakes contest, the Smokah Bowl, sponsored by Taco Bell and Flamin’ Hot Cheetos, has historically drawn high ratings despite airing at midnight on Adult Swim. “With a 4-6 record and two tough games against USC and Utah, it’s highly unlikely the Buffs will tapped for any other bowls,” said student president Harrison Butler between mouthfuls of Funyuns. “Every season has its ups and downs, but we’ve had quite a few lows lately. Why not end the season on a high note?” Several UC players expressed support for the Smokah Bowl opportunity, and hoped it would lead to more invites down the pipeline. “The Smokah Bowl would really mellow all the harsh [...]

Daniel Nava admits beard was artificially enhanced after testing positive for Rogaine

In a shocking revelation that calls into question the legitimacy of the 2013 Boston Red Sox World Series win, the Boston Globe reported today that outfielder Daniel Nava tested positive for the hair-growth supplement Minoxidil — commonly known as Rogaine — to artificially enhance his beard. At a hastily arranged press conference, Nava showed contrition for his actions, and asked for forgiveness from Red Sox Nation. “I’ve always done everything I can to help my team, but I realize now that I made a grave mistake in pursuit of a World Series win,” said a clean-shaven Nava. “I am truly sorry, and hope that my actions do not taint the incredible beards of my teammates, who worked so hard all season to craft their winning whiskers.” Sincere as Nava’s apology may have been, the reaction from the Boston media was swift and unsympathetic. “FARCIAL HAIR” screamed the headline from the Boston Herald, while the Boston Globe opted for “Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow”. “Just as the Beantown Boys’ 2004 and 2007 [...]

Area man more likely to watch ESPN's Monday Night Countdown after learning it's Served by Applebee's

ASHEVILLE, NC — While surfing channels waiting for tonight’s Monday Night Football matchup between the Carolina Panthers and New England Patriots, local man Barry Sutton settled on ESPN’s Monday Night Countdown, largely because the program is Served by Applebee’s™. “Woah, the ‘Bee’s™ is servin’ up some tasty football insight?” Sutton said, sitting up from his couch and knocking aside his Car Side to Go™ box, containing remnants of last night’s 2 for $20 Meal Deal.™ “That’s a hell of a restaurant, hell of a restaurant. Guess those jokers at ESPN finally got something right.” Sutton, who usually listens to sports talk radio instead of watching ESPN before Panthers games because he believes in “supporting local small businesses,” was nevertheless swayed by Applebee’s™ ringing endorsement. “I know Applebee’s™ is nationwide, but they’ve always made sure I’m Eating Good in the Neighborhood™, you know?” Sutton said, pausing to reheat some Crunchy Onion Rings™ from last night’s trip to Applebee’s™. “I can put down a whole 2 for $20 Meal Deal™ by myself, and my [...]

Tank Johnson decommissioned by U.S. military

Over two years after his release from the Cincinnati Bengals, the United States military announced today that they had officially decommissioned former defensive tackle Tank Johnson, saying the NFL deserved a leaner, more efficient model fit for today’s gridiron battles. Following in the large tracks of the Tank Destroyer, The 2004 Tank Johnson (Model DT-95) was renowned for its large but mobile build and gaudy appearance. Though the military faced scrutiny after it was revealed Johnson had been outfitted with illegally obtained assault rifles and 37mm tank guns, Coordinators of Defense across the NFL couldn’t resist Tank’s potential for lethal destruction. “On paper, Tank Johnson was built from the blueprints of success,” said military spokesman Lenny Howard. “But much like the federal budget, the DT-95 was ultimately a bloated nuisance that caused more trouble than it was worth.” Coming out of Washington, Johnson’s extra large chassis could cover 40 yards in under 4.7 seconds, and was a favorite of defense contractors for its raw power and explosiveness. However, after multiple [...]

“But how ‘free’ is free agency, really?” muses Robin Canó during six-hour meeting with Yankees executives

NEW YORK, NY — Though the New York Yankees described their six-hour meeting with free agent second baseman Robinson Canó as “very productive,” unnamed sources reported today that Canó spent much of the meeting waxing philosophical on the concept of liberty and whether a free agent was truly free, to the great frustration of Yankees executives. “In one sense, free agency simply implies I’m able to rationally act within the constructs collectively agreed upon by a naturally occurring social structure — manifested in this case by the owners and MLBPA,” said Canó, occasionally checking his copy of Thomas Hobbes’ Leviathan. “But in another sense, as the premier second baseman in baseball, I’m restricting my agency by subjugating myself to the rule of a highly restrictive authority. Locke, I believe, would posit that my God-given ability to get a $300 million contract would only be possible in a state of nature free of the CBA’s Draconian influence.” “And what of this word, “free”? Canó continued, as Yankees executives checked their watches. [...]

Richie Incognito claims controversial voicemail was meant for friend named Jonathan Hafnegger

In his first substantive comments since being suspended indefinitely by the Miami Dolphins for allegedly bullying teammate Jonathan Martin, Richie Incognito claimed he dialed the wrong number when he left a threatening, racist voicemail for Martin, instead intending to leave a message for his good friend Jonathan Hafnegger. “Though I am deeply sorry for the hurt I have caused my teammate Jonathan Martin with my message, the fact is that I accidentally called the wrong Jon in my phone,” said Incognito, adding that his overly large hands left him especially prone to misdials. “Jon H and Jon M are right next to each other, so I’ve made that mistake a million times. I think I sent Martin a bunch of texts meant for Hafnegger too, actually.” Incognito also said the highly scrutinized parts of the voicemail where he said he would “[defecate] in your [dang] mouth,” threatened to “slap your mother across the face,” and called the listener a “[Hafnegger] piece of [excrement],” were inside jokes that only Hafnegger would [...]

Michael Carter-Williams wondering why Sixers GM keeps trying to squash him with anvil

Michael Carter-Williams worried he would lose minutes to more experienced veterans as a rookie for the Philadelphia 76ers. But after a stellar early-season performance netted him NBA Player of the Week honors and victories over the Heat and Bulls and , he’s no longer looking over his shoulder. Except for when he’s avoiding the giant anvil someone keeps trying to drop on him. Over the course of the last week, Carter-Williams has narrowly avoided being crushed by a giant falling anvil at the Sixers practice facility three times. While no one has been officially blamed for the near-accidents, many suspect Sixers GM Sam Hinkie, who has allegedly been going to great lengths to ensure Carter-Williams’ stellar play does not derail the team’s plan of tanking the regular season in order to secure a top-3 pick in the loaded 2014 draft. Carter-Williams, to his credit, strongly defended his GM. “The reports out there about Sam trying to hurt me are a bunch of bull,” Carter-Williams said. “Sam has been like a [...]

Mariano Rivera politely asks store clerk to stop playing Enter Sandman every time he picks up his dry cleaning

After politely smiling the first few times Enter Sandman blasted through the speakers of American Threads Dry Cleaners to mark his arrival, former New York Yankees closer Mariano Rivera today asked American Threads clerk Randall Podolski to stop playing the Metallica hit song every time he came to pick up his suits and sport coats. “I know he means well, but honestly, it’s a little disrespectful,” Rivera said. “I used that song to pump me up for the biggest moments of my life. It got me through 19 seasons, five World Series wins, and 652 saves. To hear that thundering guitar riff when I’m picking up my wife’s cocktail dress really cheapens it.” “Just play some Steely Dan or something,” Rivera added. “Or some Michael McDonald-era Doobie Brothers. You know… dry cleaner music.” While Podolski quickly agreed to drop the Enter Sandman routine, he insisted the song was intended as a sign of respect for Rivera’s craft and years of consistency. “Mariano, he’s been coming in here for 19 years, [...]

Attention-starved Brian Wilson shaves Mike Napoli’s beard in jealous rage

When Red Sox first baseman Mike Napoli awoke in the middle of the night, he knew something was wrong. It wasn’t the previous night’s 4-2 loss to the Cardinals. It wasn’t the phone ringing — apparently Dunkin Donuts and Old Spice would resume their nonstop endorsement requests in the morning. It wasn’t even the strange man standing over his bed with a razor in his hand. It was his face. It was cold. As it turns out, Napoli had fallen victim to Dodgers relief pitcher and human meme Brian Wilson, who, in a fit of jealous rage, broke into Napoli’s hotel room and shaved the slugger’s much-beloved beard, hoping to bring media attention back to his own outlandish facial hair. Though his lawyers repeatedly advised him against talking to the press, Wilson was unable to contain himself once a microphone was present. “Ladies and gentlemen, I have just one thing to say: EPIC PRANK!” said Wilson, whose beard appeared to have bits of Napoli’s glued to it so as to [...]

Vikings coach names himself starting QB for Sunday’s matchup vs. Packers

EDEN PRAIRIE, Minn. — With media rumors swirling after an ugly Monday Night Football loss to the New York Giants, Minnesota Vikings coach Leslie Frazier announced that  he would be giving himself the nod at quarterback this week over the newly acquired Josh Freeman and veteran signal callers Christian Ponder and Matt Cassel. “We just haven’t been executing as a team this season, and you can’t blame any one player for that, even your quarterback,” Frazier said, as he jogged off the field in shoulder pads following a strenuous throwing session. “As head coach, I have to take the blame for my team’s shortcomings. So I figured, if I’m already going to get the blame for our poor play, why not get under center so we’ll be 100 percent sure it’s my fault, and not our terrible quarterback play?” According to beat reporters who covered the Vikings practice, Frazier looked at least as good as any of the quarterbacks Minnesota had put on the field this season, if not better. [...]

Ndomukong Suh fined $46,000 for tripping Roger Goodell

ALLEN PARK, Mich. – Detroit Lions defensive tackle Ndamukong Suh was fined $46,000 today for tripping NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell as they were leaving a disciplinary hearing, according to a press release from league offices. The trip, which occurred in front of several reporters awaiting comment on Suh’s latest fine for a hit on Cleveland Browns quarterback Brandon Weeden, was initially ruled unintentional. But after league officials reviewed the tape, they issued Suh yet another fine. In a clip obtained by TMZ, Suh appears to step in front of Goodell to hail a taxi, causing the commissioner to stumble slightly, but remain upright. Though Goodell quickly regained his composure, smiling and calling himself “a clumsy Clyde,” analysts believe Suh’s lack of apology to the commissioner may be the key reason NFL disciplinarians felt compelled to act. “When dealing with a repeat offender, the league tends to err on the side of player and commissioner safety,” said Vice President of Officiating Dean Blandino. “When we looked at the tape, there appeared [...]

Wisconsin man 'very upset' that girlfriend thinks Jay Cutler is hotter than Aaron Rodgers

BROOKFIELD, WI – Tempers flared in Wisconsin today when Brookfield resident Jennifer O’Riordan told boyfriend Ken Schulz she found Chicago Bears quarterback Jay Cutler more attractive than Green Bay Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers, resulting in a two-hour argument and subsequent silent treatment from both parties. “Ken has a legitimate man crush on Aaron Rodgers,” O’Riordan said, citing several wall posters and the pristine condition of Schulz’s authentic game-worn Rodgers jersey as evidence. “Every week, he’s talking about the throws he makes, his leadership skills, his fun-loving attitude — he can’t get enough of the guy.” O’Riordan and Schulz’s argument began after Schulz pressed her for the tenth time that week about which NFL quarterback she thought was the hottest. After telling Schulz she “could barely tell with their helmets on,” O’Riordan reluctantly named Cutler, sending Schulz into a rage. Schulz defended his actions, insisting his girlfriend’s choice of Cutler was irrational, and that, as a heterosexual man, he believed Rodgers was the natural choice. “Look, I’m not gay or anything, [...]

"You won’t believe what happened to my fantasy team last night," reports nation’s obnoxious coworkers

OFFICE, USA – After reports surfaced Monday that there was uncertainty about how their week 7 fantasy matchup was going to end up, the nation’s obnoxious coworkers reported this morning that you wouldn’t believe what happened to their fantasy team last night, adding that it was “totally crazy.” “So going into Monday Night Football, I knew it was gonna be close,” said the coworkers, who were ahead or behind a certain number of points, as is the case in every fantasy football match ever. “I really needed a win this week, so I was hoping Philip Rivers would have it in him.” The coworkers added that they were playing their brother/cousin/girlfriend/former history professor, so they knew they’d never hear the end of it at the dinner table/family reunion/shared apartment/occasional business lunch if they lost. “So it’s the fourth quarter, and I’m on pins and needles,” the coworkers said, oblivious to the fact that no fellow colleague in the history of offices has ever cared about a fellow coworker’s fantasy team. [...]

Eli Manning quarantined as lethal outbreak of Manningface sweeps Chicago

Following last night’s disheartening 27-21 loss to the Chicago Bears, the New York Giants received more bad news: quarterback Eli Manning has been quarantined following the discovery of a city-wide outbreak of Manningface, a recently discovered neurological disease that can lead to temporary or permanent facial disfigurement. As reports from Bears fans who attended last night’s game came pouring in, Illinois state health officials set up a crisis center in the Soldier Field visiting locker room, where Manningface specialists are doing everything they can to save patients from the disease’s potentially irreversible effects. “We are advising all Illinois residents to stay home until we are absolutely certain this outbreak has been contained,” said Illinois Director of Public Health LaMar Hasbrouck. “We unfortunately know very little about Manningface — but what little we do know is disturbing.” According to the National Institute of Health, residents of Chicago should seek medical attention if they experience facial paralysis, especially if the paralysis makes them look “like a deer in the headlights. But, like, [...]

Brian McCann berates child for disrespecting unwritten rules of Monopoly

Atlanta Braves catcher Brian McCann was involved in another dust-up today, berating a young child for disrespecting the unwritten rules of Monopoly during a friendly game at the Boys and Girls Club of Metro Atlanta. McCann was incensed when T.J. Nelson, 8, declined to give McCann $50 for landing on Free Parking, insisting that no such rule existed. “Look kid, I’m trying to uphold the sanctity of the game here,” McCann said, his hands wavering dangerously close to flipping over the board. “I’ve been playing Monopoly for longer than you’ve been alive, and everyone knows that landing on Free Parking entitles you to a reward. It’s just disrespectful and downright wrong to play any other way.” According to onlookers, the Free Parking snafu was not the first incident to raise McCann’s ire. Earlier in the match, he demanded to see a copy of the rules after Nelson refused to grant him and extra $100 for landing exactly on Go. A few turns later, McCann rolled a snake eyes, and threw [...]

Browns still thinking Hoyer’s their best bet for Week 6

CLEVELAND – Undeterred by news that quarterback Brian Hoyer had suffered a torn ACL, members of the Cleveland Browns’ front office have reportedly agreed that Hoyer should still be their guy. According to sources, Browns head coach Rob Chudzinski met with owner Jimmy Haslam and GM Michael Lombardi early Friday morning to discuss the team’s quarterback situation, eventually arriving at the conclusion that an undrafted benchwarmer with a crippling ligament injury was still somehow their best bet moving forward. “What we need to keep in perspective is that this is a guy who won two games in a row for us. Two!” exclaimed Haslam. “I didn’t even know that was possible. Like, I’ve seen us win one game, then lose six games, and then win another game, but to win two games in a row, and then pave the way for a third win in a row? Torn ACL or not, this Hoyer kid could potentially carry us to a six- or even seven-win season!” Though the other men initially [...]

Vegas line has Bye Week as 6-point favorite over Steelers

LAS VEGAS – According to the latest figures out of Las Vegas, Bye Week is a 6- to 6.5-point favorite over the Pittsburgh Steelers going into Week 5 of the NFL season. The 0-4 Steelers find themselves as underdogs following a rough first month of football in which their defense has largely been ineffective and key players have struggled with injury. Though the Steelers have traditionally been a favorite over Bye Week in recent years, their current on-field futility has experts doubting the team’s ability to accomplish anything at all. “They just don’t really have any depth in terms of playmaking,” said Jay Rood, MGM Resorts vice president of race and sports. “Bye Week’s not a heavy hitter, either, but I can definitely see it getting the best of Pittsburgh. Maybe having all that time to kill, Roethlisberger will get bored and stick his tongue in a power outlet, putting him out of commission. I can easily see a week of nothingness taking a heavy toll on this team.” Steelers [...]