NEW YORK, NY — Though the New York Yankees described their six-hour meeting with free agent second baseman Robinson Canó as “very productive,” unnamed sources reported today that Canó spent much of the meeting waxing philosophical on the concept of liberty and whether a free agent was truly free, to the great frustration of Yankees executives.
“In one sense, free agency simply implies I’m able to rationally act within the constructs collectively agreed upon by a naturally occurring social structure — manifested in this case by the owners and MLBPA,” said Canó, occasionally checking his copy of Thomas Hobbes’ Leviathan. “But in another sense, as the premier second baseman in baseball, I’m restricting my agency by subjugating myself to the rule of a highly restrictive authority. Locke, I believe, would posit that my God-given ability to get a $300 million contract would only be possible in a state of nature free of the CBA’s Draconian influence.”
“And what of this word, “free”? Canó continued, as Yankees executives checked their watches. “Is freedom tied to a positive or negative imagining of liberty? Can I truly consider myself free while entering into a social contract more iron-clad than the average citizen? And how will all of this affect the ratio of guaranteed and non-guaranteed money?”
Before Yankees executives could bring in a freshman philosophy major to help answer Canó’s questions, the slugger informed Yankees GM Brian Cashman that he would be embarking on a spiritual walkabout with Jay-Z in Dubai before making any final decisions.
“We are pleased with the progress made during meetings with Robinson, and remain hopeful we can reach an agreement when he returns from his spiritual retreat with HOV,” Cashman said. “We are also extremely pleased Major League Baseball does not use restricted free agency, as the mere concept would have likely caused an additional eight hours of negotiations and a possible existential crisis.”
At press time, Canó had reportedly enlisted the help of Columbia University political thought professor Gregory Avramenko to understand the philosophical significance of salary arbitration.