Within hours of outfielder Jacoby Ellsbury agreeing to a seven-year, $153 million deal with the New York Yankees, the team’s other new marquee signing, catcher Brian McCann, welcomed the outfielder with a gift basket featuring a sterling silver straight razor and a handwritten copy of the unwritten rules of baseball.
McCann, who gained a reputation as a baseball purist last year after several dustups with opponents over perceived unwritten rules violations, said he couldn’t wait to help Ellsbury leave his disrespectful, unkempt lifestyle — fostered by his seven seasons with the Boston Red Sox — far behind him.
“Watching the playoffs this year, I couldn’t help noticing how well-groomed Jacoby’s beard was compared to his bush-league teammates,” McCann said as he began outlining a new chapter of the unwritten rules entitled Eye Contact: When a Stare Goes too Far. “He never showboats around the bases, limits his dugout celebrations to high fives and fist bumps, and takes beanballs like a man. He could teach a Master’s course on the unwritten rules of baseball if he wanted.
“Plus you can tell he moisturizes like a True Yankee.”
Despite Ellsbury’s well-groomed coiffure and perfectly bland persona, McCann emphasized there was still work to be done.
“Anyone who shared a locker room with David Ortiz and Mike Napoli is going to need a few reminders about how to comport themselves,” McCann said, earnestly watching film of Ellsbury hitting a homer to determine whether his pause at home plate constituted showy behavior. “And a few reminders about proper shaving technique, for that matter. I bet those idiots shave against the grain.”
When reached for comment, Ellsbury said he was grateful for McCann’s help, especially regarding the unwritten rules policing how far of a lead you can take without being disrespectful to opposing pitchers.