Author archives: teamjuke

Tank Johnson decommissioned by U.S. military

Over two years after his release from the Cincinnati Bengals, the United States military announced today that they had officially decommissioned former defensive tackle Tank Johnson, saying the NFL deserved a leaner, more efficient model fit for today's gridiron battles. Following in the large tracks of the Tank Destroyer, The 2004 Tank Johnson (Model DT-95) was renowned for its large but mobile build and gaudy appearance. Though the military faced scrutiny after it was re[...] continue reading ›

The owner of the Red Sox just bought the Boston Globe, and JukeLeft has uncovered all his diabolical plans

News broke recently that Red Sox owner John Henry had reached an agreement to purchase the Boston Globe for $70 million—roughly $12.5 million less than John Lackey’s contract. While the 141-year-old newspaper has always been revered for its award-winning journalism, it seems now that it might take on a totally different reputation JukeLeft was able to gain access to exclusive documents detailing the changes and additions Henry intends to make. And if what we uncovered is a[...] continue reading ›

9 new combine drills that would better gauge how prospects would fare in the NFL

1) Linguistics Drill Players are tested on their ability to repeat clichéd interview responses as quickly and cleanly as possible. The gold standard for this drill was set by Deion Sanders, who managed to say, "Great game, both teams played hard, we just believed in ourselves and came out on top," in 2.19 seconds at the 1989 combine. Other players have seen their draft stock drop from poor Linguistics performances, such as Randy Moss, who fell to the 21st pick after drop[...] continue reading ›

Here are the 14 most likely post-game reactions you can expect from Ray Lewis

If the Ravens win - Thanks God so profusely that it distracts God from the rest of the world’s prayers, and thousands of people’s ailing grandmothers die simultaneously - Forces CBS to wait for interview until he completes his 6-hour postgame victory dance - Joyfully sacks all his coaches and trainers into comas - Claims the Super Bowl MVP trophy on behalf of Joe Flacco, then pretends it never happened when Flacco asks for his award - Gets so amped about his post[...] continue reading ›

JUKE’S GOT A SCOOP: Here’s a video we found of the real face behind Manti Te’o’s fake girlfriend showin’ off her curves

Real news generally isn’t our forte here at JukeLeft, but we spend enough time sniffing around the Internet that we’ll occasionally find a little turd nugget of news that legit outfits haven’t yet uncovered. Today we found a story—or just a video, really, who are we kidding—about a real living woman who became the face of a fake dead woman, an unwitting lover to one of the most recognizable college athletes in the country. Diane O’Meara, whose photo was hijacked by Rona[...] continue reading ›

JUKELEFT EXCLUSIVE: Athletes' strangest New Year's resolutions for 2013

Since typical New Year’s resolutions like losing weight and quitting smoking usually don’t apply to athletes, they have to be more creative when it comes to thinking up ways to better themselves. Ever curious, JukeLeft reached out to some of the most popular athletes in the world to find out what their resolutions are for 2013. Vince Wilfork “To stop mistaking challenge flags for Fruit Roll-Ups.” Adrian Peterson “To make an intentional effort to cropdust while I blo[...] continue reading ›