Author archives: steve

Tigers discover dozens of missing locker room items in nest built by Prince Fielder

DETROIT – Standing alone atop the AL Central, things have been pretty good for the Detroit Tigers on the field recently, but it’s a different story in the team’s locker room. For weeks, pieces of players’ uniforms and their personal items have been disappearing, fostering a sense of distrust among teammates. Wednesday, all suspicions were put to rest when a team maintenance employee discovered a massive nest constructed from the items in a seldom-used storage closet. Insid[...] continue reading ›

Angry Packers fans to riot as soon as someone helps them up from couch

GREEN BAY – Infuriated by a blown touchdown call in the Packers-Seahawks game that resulted in a Green Bay loss, the team’s fans have announced their intentions to come together and riot in protest of Roger Goodell and the replacement officials. “Enough is enough!” wrote Packers fan Dan Klasky on a Facebook event page for the scheduled protest. “I’m sick and tired of America’s game being spoiled by this country’s entitled corporate elite, and as soon as someone can stop by[...] continue reading ›

Goliath-like 8th-grader to eat/dismember all other 8th-grade football players

At 6-foot-8, Tennessee power forward Jarnell Stokes is a big fella, but apparently he got the short straw as far as genetics go. Here's his little brother, Isaiah, who in just 8th grade--pretty much the starting line of puberty!--is already as big as Jarnell. Immediately after this picture was taken, the little guy was tied into a pretzel shape and hurled up on the goalpost, where he later had to be rescued by firemen.

Bleacher Report breaks traffic records with “1,696 NFL Players Who Exist” slideshow

SAN FRANCISCO – Bleacher Report, an online sports media network known for generating tremendous amounts of original content via unpaid contributors, reported record traffic numbers Tuesday after posting a slideshow titled, “1,969 NFL Players Who Exist.” The slideshow, which is interrupted every tenth slide to display an advertisement, includes a photograph and a pithy descriptive paragraph for all 1,696 active players currently employed by NFL teams. The slides, listed in [...] continue reading ›

Brandon Weeden sacked 23 times running predictable obedientcat formation

CLEVELAND – The Cleveland Browns dropped to 0-3 on the season Sunday after an embarrassing 24-14 loss to the Buffalo Bills. The team’s offensive strategy was particularly deplorable, much due to quarterback Brandon Weeden’s reliance on the utterly predictable obedientcat formation. “It was definitely a rough one out there,” said Weeden, who was sacked on 23 separate occasions after refusing to abandon the thoroughly ineffective offensive scheme. “I never ran the obedientca[...] continue reading ›

Cowboys know better than to ask Rob Ryan about glass in beard

ARLINGTON, TX – A win is a win, no matter how ugly it may be, which is an attitude the Dallas Cowboys have embraced wholeheartedly regarding their eccentric defensive coordinator, Rob Ryan. Before the team’s home opener on Sunday, Ryan arrived at Cowboys Stadium looking worse for wear, with his long, gray hair matted together with its own greases and his salt-and-pepper beard speckled with tiny shards of glass. Per usual NFL team dynamics, such an appearance would elici[...] continue reading ›

Pacquiao-Mayweather fight takes place after escalating series of serendipitous encounters

LAS VEGAS – The long-awaited fight between Manny Pacquiao and Floyd Mayweather finally took place Thursday night after a series of magical, fate-driven encounters ultimately brought them together in the ring. Pacquiao, in Las Vegas to train with Freddie Roach at the famed Wild Card gym, first encountered Mayweather at a used bookstore off the strip, where the two were both browsing in the children’s section. “Goodnight Moon is such a whimsical piece of literature. I’d s[...] continue reading ›

Attention-desperate Shaq swallows Earl Boykins whole

HOUSTON - Retired NBA superstar Shaquille O’Neal has never been one to duck from the spotlight, but after his latest grab for attention, many are wishing that the 7’ 1” man-child would disappear. At a charity hospital appearance Friday morning, Houston Rockets point guard Earl Boykins was giving an impassioned speech thanking the nurses for their service when O’Neal slowly crept up behind him. Boykins, who is nearly two feet shorter than O’Neal, was rightfully terrified[...] continue reading ›

Civilian Sean Payton: Going to Walmart

Sean Payton’s entire life has been defined by, and immersed in, football. Now, facing a year without it, he must figure out how to navigate the confusing world beyond the gridiron. We’ll be chronicling his misadventures through a weekly series called Civilian Sean Payton. Sean Payton needs to go shopping. He lacks the supplies necessary to maintain basic hygiene. Three light bulbs are burnt out, despite his efforts to resuscitate them with a potato. All his clothes are [...] continue reading ›