Author archives: mattbedinger

 
 
 
 

Kobe guarantees NBA title, Super Bowl, Wimbledon win, cure for cancer, odyssey to Jupiter...

by mattbedinger 67 days ago in Articles

LOS ANGELES – Several weeks after guaranteeing a Lakers playoff berth, Kobe Bryant has made an even bolder promise. Speaking to reporters on Monday, Bryant promised Laker Nation an NBA title. “And there’s more,” Bryant continued. "We're gonna win the Super Bowl. No one can stop me, not even Peyton Manning and that busted horse face of his. The Lakers have assembled the greatest collection of football talent in history." "And I'm not stopping there, either," he assure[...] continue reading ›

 
 
 
 

Manziel 'still same person' despite being first dictator in Texas state history

by mattbedinger 75 days ago in Articles

COLLEGE STATION, TX – In a recent interview, Heisman winner Johnny Manziel says he’s “still the same person” as he was before he earned the distinction of being the first dictator in Texas state history. The offseason has included a whirlwind of attention for the dictator, with his signature catchphrase “Kiss the ring, peasants” appearing in countless memes and on unlicensed novelty T-shirts that are being sold by vendors throughout the state. The "Average Joe" persona [...] continue reading ›

 
 
 
 

Gonzaga tops "Really? No One Else Is Gonna Step Up?" poll for first time in school history

by mattbedinger 79 days ago in Articles

SPOKANE, WA – For the first time in school history, the Gonzaga Bulldogs are the number one team in the country. On Wednesday, it was announced that the Bulldogs had earned 51 of 65 first-place votes to top the AP’s “Really? No One Else Is Gonna Step Up?” poll after clinching the number one ranking. A March Madness mainstay, the school previously held the number two ranking in the AP’s “Please, Indiana, Don’t Lose Again” poll. Junior Kelly Olynyk has led the team as one[...] continue reading ›

 
 
 
 

“Oh shit, forgot about hockey,” America declares during SportsCenter highlight

by mattbedinger 102 days ago in Articles

AMERICA – Despite being almost a month into the lockout-shortened NHL season, numerous sources confirmed Monday that America has just now realized that the NHL season is actually underway. Dozens of fans across the nation were heard making offhanded comments about how they forgot hockey even existed after witnessing a 30-second SportsCenter highlight of Sunday's game between the Penguins and Devils. Thousands more still haven't realized the season has begun, but still, doz[...] continue reading ›

 
 
 
 

JaMarcus Russell attempting NFL comeback as defensive tackle

by mattbedinger 116 days ago in Articles

FLORIDA - Former No. 1 pick and quarterback JaMarcus Russell has announced he will attempt an NFL comeback as a defensive tackle. Weighing in at 320 pounds last fall, Russell has slimmed down to a lean 308 pounds, much of that being pure pass rushing muscle. "I figure if I can drop another 8 lbs and get down to an even 300, I'd be a quarterback's worst nightmare," Russell said. Russell has been working out at the TEST Football Academy with a stellar team that include[...] continue reading ›

 
 
 
 

Mike D’Antoni gives Dwight Howard red light to shoot

by mattbedinger 134 days ago in Articles

LOS ANGELES – Shortly after talking to his squad following their loss to the Spurs Wednesday, Lakers head coach Mike D’Antoni approached injured superstar center Dwight Howard about his future role with the team. “Let’s be honest, this season has been a bigger struggle than anyone could have predicted,” D’Antoni began. “It’s time for you to take matters into your own hands, Dwight. When you come back healthy, I’m giving you the red light to shoot whenever you want.” “Th[...] continue reading ›