Author archives: manutetroll

 
 
 
 

Bears sign Tim Tebow to fill overhyped white guy role left by Brian Urlacher

by manutetroll 3 days ago in Articles

CHICAGO – Bears GM Phil Emery announced Wednesday that the team had signed free agent quarterback Tim Tebow to fill the role of overhyped white guy left by Brian Urlacher. The announcement came just hours after news broke that Urlacher had retired from the NFL. With Urlacher completely out of the picture, the team seemed eager to fill some of the hole he left behind. “Don’t get me wrong, Urlacher’s a guaranteed Hall of Famer, and for many years he was the heartbeat of t[...] continue reading ›

 
 
 
 

PGA gives Sergio Garcia $50,000 bonus for racist remark

by manutetroll 3 days ago in Articles

The Professional Golfer’s Association of America awarded Sergio Garcia a $50,000 bonus Wednesday morning in recognition of a racist remark he made towards world No. 1 Tiger Woods. Garcia made the remark Tuesday night at the European Tour awards dinner, joking that he would give Woods fried chicken at next month’s U.S. Open. While the comment undeniably played off an offensive African-American stereotype, PGA officials insist that it honored the rich traditions of professio[...] continue reading ›

 
 
 
 

Military drone surprises pilot with emotional reunion at baseball game

by manutetroll 8 days ago in Articles

ST. LOUIS – On Thursday, Lt. Col. Mike Edwards was hoping that a pleasant evening at the ballpark might help relieve some of the stress from his demanding life as a combat drone pilot for the U.S. Air Force. But he wasn’t expecting to receive the surprise of a lifetime. Upon arriving at Busch Stadium, a member of the Cardinals PR staff asked if he’d be interested in throwing out the first pitch in recognition of his military service. Edwards agreed, and minutes later he fo[...] continue reading ›

 
 
 
 

Looney Tunes enslaved by aliens after Derrick Rose refuses to help them win basketball game

by manutetroll 4 days ago in Articles

TUNE LAND – Sadness spread throughout the tune-i-verse on Tuesday following news that the Looney Tunes had been taken as slaves by a gang of evil aliens. Bugs & Co. forfeited their freedom after losing a do-or-die basketball game to the aliens, who had stolen the talents of popular NBA stars to gain a competitive advantage. According to sources, the Looney Tunes had initially recruited Bulls point guard Derrick Rose to help them win the game, but Rose backed out at the[...] continue reading ›

 
 
 
 

Disappointed OKC fans ship Thunder back to Seattle in giant wooden crate

by manutetroll 9 days ago in Articles

OKLAHOMA CITY – Disappointed by the Thunder’s playoff elimination at the hands of the Grizzlies Wednesday night, local fans responded by shipping their team back to Seattle in a giant wooden crate. Led by an irate man in a cowboy hat named Jim, a group of 30 disillusioned fans waited outside Chesapeake Energy Arena following the loss and forced the players one-by-one in a colossal crate designed to carry bulk building supplies. “What the heck, man, you can’t just kidnap[...] continue reading ›

 
 
 
 

Two Vikings come out of closet now that Chris Kluwe isn’t around to steal spotlight

by manutetroll 17 days ago in Articles

MINNEAPOLIS – After the Minnesota Vikings released outspoken punter Chris Kluwe earlier this week, two of the team’s players immediately held a press conference to announce that they were gay. Tight end John Carlson and receiver Stephen Burton said that they’ve long been keeping their homosexuality a secret, as they were afraid that Kluwe would steal the spotlight if they were to reveal their sexual preferences. “We’d always see Chris getting all this attention on talk [...] continue reading ›

 
 
 
 

Judge sentences Titus Young to serve two years on Kansas City Chiefs

by manutetroll 12 days ago in Articles

SAN CLEMENTE, CALIF. – After being arrested three separate times in a single week, free agent wide receiver Titus Young was sentenced on Tuesday to serve two years on the Kansas City Chiefs with no possibility of parole. Young, 23, accumulated his first two arrests last week, when he was stopped on suspicion of DUI and then later attempted to steal his impounded vehicle from a tow yard. He received his third arrest last Friday, when he was booked for attempted burglary, as[...] continue reading ›

 
 
 
 

Rivera successfully silences Chamberlain with hotdog

by manutetroll 13 days ago in Articles

KANSAS CITY, Mo. – The baseball world is abuzz following an incident on Saturday in which Joba Chamberlain became outraged over being shushed by Mariano Rivera. New developments have emerged, however, and it is now being reported that Rivera quickly rectified the situation by giving Chamberlain a hotdog. Chamberlain, whose loud chatter was interrupting Rivera’s discussion with reporters about an emotional event earlier in the day, was quickly silenced upon being handed [...] continue reading ›

 
 
 
 

Canucks’ Green Men mournfully gyrate crotches following sweep by Sharks

by manutetroll 17 days ago in Articles

SAN JOSE, Calif. – Shortly after the Sharks completed a four-game sweep over the Canucks Tuesday night, Vancouver’s famed Green Men—who can regularly be seen taunting opposing players from outside the penalty box—began mourning the elimination in the only way they know how: by gyrating their crotches while wearing spandex. Known by hometown fans by the nicknames Force and Sully, the duo returned to their hotel room and solemnly jiggled their groins in front of the bathroom[...] continue reading ›

 
 
 
 

10 athletes who are more influential than Tim Tebow

by manutetroll 18 days ago in Articles

On Monday, Forbes released its annual list of America’s most influential athletes, giving former backup quarterback Tim Tebow the top spot. And we think they made a mistake. They gave it to him based on things like brand value and social media following, but apparently they didn’t take into consideration whether or not real sports fans actually care about him. So using our own criteria, we examined the 2013 sporting scene to determine 10 different athletes who we believ[...] continue reading ›

 
 
 
 

SportsCenter: “Can we get back to Tebow now?”

by manutetroll 26 days ago in Articles

BRISTOL, CT – With the news of Jason Collins coming out of the closet stymying their usual Tebow-based coverage, several frustrated SportsCenter anchors have declared their intention to return the spotlight to the former Jets quarterback. In Tuesday’s 9am edition of the program, anchor Kevin Negandhi anxiously rubbed his temples and expressed his dissatisfaction with Monday’s distractions. “Why would anyone want us to cover Jason Collins? The guy averages less than two [...] continue reading ›

 
 
 
 

First openly straight WNBA player comes out of closet

by manutetroll 26 days ago in Articles

NEW YORK – Following in the footsteps of NBA player Jason Collins, who recently announced that he is gay, New York Liberty guard Leilani Mitchell came out of the closet Tuesday as the WNBA’s first openly straight player. Mitchell, a 5’ 5” veteran of the league, made her announcement in a poignant letter posted on the Liberty’s website, which has received dozens of views since being posted Tuesday morning. “I once believed that to be taken seriously in the WNBA, you had [...] continue reading ›

 
 
 
 

Lakers swept by Spurs in first rou—HOLY SHIT JASON COLLINS IS GAY

by manutetroll 27 days ago in Articles

LOS ANGELES – Having battled all season to stay above the water, the Lakers finally succumbed to their insufficiencies on Sunday when the San Antonio Spurs completed a first-round sweep over HOLY SHIT, DID YOU SEE THE NEWS, JASON COLLINS IS GAY!!!!!! The injury-plagued team couldn’t keep up with the Spurs’ seamless teamwork and tenacious ball movement, losing by a 21 point margin in their WAIT, NO, SERIOUSLY, JASON COLLINS CAME OUT OF THE CLOSET AND IS THE FIRST OPENLY GAY[...] continue reading ›

 
 
 
 

Manti Te’o nervously wondering why Chattanooga Cheetahs haven’t drafted him yet

by manutetroll 30 days ago in Articles

As the first round of the 2013 NFL Draft came and went Thursday night, former Notre Dame linebacker Manti Te’o sat anxiously among family and friends, wondering why the Chattanooga Cheetahs hadn’t yet followed through on their promise to draft him. Te’o had received a phone call in February from the team’s GM, Bob Bobson, informing him that the Cheetahs were incredibly impressed with his range of skills and were 100 percent sold on drafting him in the first round. “We t[...] continue reading ›