Author archives: manutetroll

Josh Freeman’s release looking good for once

TAMPA – The consensus among top football analysts Thursday was that quarterback Josh Freeman’s release was actually looking pretty good for once. The 25-year-old had posted dismal numbers through the first leg of the season, with a league-worst 45.7 percent completion rate and a caliber of incompetence under pressure that in recent years has only been statistically rivaled by JaMarcus Russell. His shoddy release, compounded by his chaotic footwork, resulted in dozens of cr[...] continue reading ›

God cracking up at notion that He would allow all Pittsburgh teams to be good at same time

HEAVEN – The Eternal Kingdom echoed with laughter Monday as the creator of the universe, God, cracked up at the idea that He might allow all of Pittsburgh’s professional sports teams to be good at the same time. Sources say that the Lord Most High has been flooded with prayers from Pittsburgh residents asking Him to help alter the course of the Steelers’ 0-4 season so that it might not take away from the joy of the Pirates’ first playoff berth in two decades. God, however,[...] continue reading ›

Vegas line has Bye Week as 6-point favorite over Steelers

LAS VEGAS – According to the latest figures out of Las Vegas, Bye Week is a 6- to 6.5-point favorite over the Pittsburgh Steelers going into Week 5 of the NFL season. The 0-4 Steelers find themselves as underdogs following a rough first month of football in which their defense has largely been ineffective and key players have struggled with injury. Though the Steelers have traditionally been a favorite over Bye Week in recent years, their current on-field futility has expe[...] continue reading ›

Yankees acquire Oakland A’s to bolster playoff hopes

NEW YORK – Shrugging off allegations that they’d been eliminated from playoff contention, the New York Yankees announced Friday that they had acquired the Oakland A’s in an effort to boost their odds heading into the postseason. The Yankees, who already boast a staggering $229 million payroll, shelled out an additional quarter billion dollars late Thursday night to purchase the A’s after hours of tense negotiations. The A’s, who in winning the AL West clinched a playoff[...] continue reading ›

12 ways the Jaguars can get people to start coming to games

The Jacksonville Jaguars announced Thursday that they’re offering two free Bud Lights to anyone who purchases a ticket for Sunday’s game against the Indianapolis Colts. Speculation is that if enough seats go unsold, the game will be subject to a television blackout, so the team is scrambling to sell all the tickets they can before it’s too late. Truth is, though, the Jaguars are terrible, and it takes a whole lot more than two beers to be able to tolerate one of their foot[...] continue reading ›

Report: Marc Trestman doing pretty good for guy who looks like that

CHICAGO – According to a poll of over a hundred different sportswriters, Chicago Bears first-year head coach Marc Trestman is doing pretty good for a guy who looks like that. When hired back in January, many assumed from Trestman’s off-putting appearance that he was the kind of person who might linger around playgrounds or get off to dead people, but the latest consensus shows that he is defying expectations. “Considering the guy looks like he sleeps in a coffin, I’d sa[...] continue reading ›

Gronkowski doubtful for Week 3 with hangover

FOXBOROUGH, MA – According to a team source, New England Patriots tight end Rob Gronkowski is doubtful for Week 3, hinting that a pounding hangover will keep him sidelined. Gronkowski, who has missed the first two weeks of the season recovering from surgeries on his back and forearm, will be making an appearance at an area nightclub Saturday night that will likely see him consuming a harrowing amount of alcohol. Though he wishes a Sunday morning hangover was avoidable, he [...] continue reading ›

China announces birth of 2020 Olympic gymnastics team

BEIJING – Following news that Tokyo had been selected to host the 2020 Summer Olympic Games, the People’s Republic of China announced that their 2020 gymnastics team had officially been born. In a statement released Tuesday, the Chinese Olympic Committee said that 10 athletes total—five males and five females—had simultaneously been born in a laboratory setting, each of them genetically designed to achieve Olympic gold. To foster a team mentality, the infants will not b[...] continue reading ›

Americans come together to remember 12th anniversary of the XFL

NEW YORK – At memorials in schools, homes, and places of work across the country Wednesday morning, millions of Americans paused in recognition of the 12th anniversary of the XFL. The American sporting scene has never been the same since that fateful day in 2001, when Vince McMahon launched the XFL and forever terrorized the game of football with his radical beliefs on how a professional sports league should be operated. Though Americans are still healing, Wednesday’s m[...] continue reading ›

Tom Brady goes to Craigslist to find new receivers

Tom Brady's having a rough time adjusting to his new receiver situation. In Thursday's game against the Jets, he had one of the worst statistical performances of his career, going 19 for 39 and completing fewer than 50 percent of his passes for the first time in four years. Brady was visibly angered by his young receivers, who often struggled to make easy catches and run their routes. If this Craigslist post is any indication, it seems like Brady has had enough.

Syria loses 2020 Olympic bid despite clearing hundreds of villages to house athletes

DAMASCUS – Syrian leaders were recently informed that their country had lost its bid to host the 2020 Summer Olympics, having been denied by the International Olympic Committee in favor of the winning city, Tokyo. According to sources, Syrian officials were deeply disappointed by the IOC’s decision, believing the Arab nation had done more than all of the other candidates to demonstrate that they had earned the hosting honor. “No one deserved the Olympics more than Damas[...] continue reading ›

Final roster cuts destroy NFL dream for 53 Raiders players

OAKLAND – Following Saturday’s deadline for final roster cuts, dozens of players at Raiders camp watched their NFL dreams evaporate before their eyes—specifically the 53 players chosen to fill the team’s Week One roster. Young players who for their whole lives had fantasized about one day winning a Super Bowl had their hopes utterly obliterated, realizing they were now locked down with a team that has lost 11 or more games eight times over the past decade. “Maybe I was [...] continue reading ›

Obama: “Fuck Syria, fuck everything. It’s football time, America.”

ST. PETERSBURG, Russia – Speaking from the G20 summit in Russia Thursday, U.S. President Barack Obama ignored any questions from reporters regarding urgent world crises, instead proclaiming that there was only one thing that mattered to him at the present time. “Fuck Syria, fuck everything,” Mr. Obama declared. “It’s football time in America, and that’s all we fucking care about.” The president made it exceedingly clear that he currently has zero patience for anything o[...] continue reading ›

Chris Kaman acquired by zoo

LOS ANGELES – NBA center Chris Kaman was acquired by an area zoo Friday after the Lakers agreed to part with him for an undisclosed cash sum. The seven-footer was picked up by the Santa Ana Zoo in hopes that he would help anchor the park’s popular Amazon’s Edge rainforest exhibit, utilizing his strange, monster-like appearance to attract curious tourists. “We’re very excited to welcome Chris to our facilities, and we expect that his veteran presence will bring some much[...] continue reading ›

Former NFL Players Celebrate Concussion Settlement With People They’re Told Are Their Families

PHILADELPHIA – Following Thursday’s news that the NFL had reached a $765 million settlement over concussion-related brain injuries, former players all around the country celebrated with the people they had been informed were their loved ones. “$765 million, huh?” said retired Falcons lineman Wayne Radloff from the dark, quiet room where he spends all his waking hours. “That’s great to hear. Does that mean I used to be in the NFL? Can’t say I remember it, but if so, that’s [...] continue reading ›

Matthew Berry Advises Readers To Take Michael Turner Early, Be Wary Of Andrew Luck, And Embrace Jihad Against The American Devils

BRISTOL, CT – As part of his annual list of insider tips, revered fantasy football expert Matthew Berry urged readers to draft Michael Turner early, be wary of Andrew Luck, and embrace jihad against the American infidel devils. The ESPN senior fantasy director urged his vast, trusting audience to question the conventional wisdom concerning the value of certain popular players like Calvin Johnson and Aaron Rodgers, and to also incite righteous violence against the Western n[...] continue reading ›

Jerry Sandusky deeply offended by Miley Cyrus VMA performance

WAYNESBURG, PA – Speaking from his prison cell on Tuesday, convicted serial child molester and one-time Penn State assistant football coach Jerry Sandusky said that he was deeply offended by former child star Miley Cyrus’s controversial performance at the MTV Video Music Awards. Sandusky, who is serving a 60-year prison sentence for 40 counts of sex crimes with young children, revealed that he was utterly disgusted by the barely legal starlet’s stage antics, which included[...] continue reading ›

8 sports Kickstarters that desperately need your money

If you’ve used Kickstarter, you know that it’s a great way to raise money for art, technology, and design projects using the power of crowd funding. Though sports projects are few and far between, we scoured Kickstarter and found these eight amazing products that need your financial backing if they ever want to see the light of day.  Check 'em out: 1. The C.C. Sack Ordinary beanbags are lumpy and uncomfortable, and they can even cause back injury if used for too lo[...] continue reading ›