Author archives: kslane

SportsCenter to show hockey highlights as soon as this bowling coverage is done

Following a thrilling, triple-overtime win by the Chicago Blackhawks over the Boston Bruins in game one of the Stanley Cup Finals, SportsCenter anchor John Anderson promised viewers they would see highlights of all the amazing action as soon as ESPN concluded its bowling coverage. "I know a lot of viewers out there are tuning in after that epic, five-hour game in Chicago, and we will bring you highlights from that game VERY soon," Anderson said, as SportsCenter wrapped up [...] continue reading ›

Astros ‘very interested’ in Roger Clemens comeback, according to Roger Clemens

Citing a “very high-level, and did I mention very handsome” source, retired pitcher Roger Clemens reported today that the Houston Astros are very interested in signing him to anchor their starting rotation for the remainder of the season. “According to this source, who, I’ll be honest, is one of the smartest, most successful sources I’ve ever talked to, The Astros are preparing to make a BIG effort to convince me to come back,” said a notably heavyset Clemens as he played a [...] continue reading ›

Marlins officials admit “fans” at games are mostly just Fatheads taped to chairs

After a keen-eyed Marlins fan spotted what appeared to be Green Bay Packers linebacker Clay Matthews in full uniform sitting behind home plate during last night's Brewers-Marlins game, Marlins officials admitted today they had been strategically placing Fatheads throughout the stadium to give the appearance that people actually attend Marlins games. The stunning admission came after weeks of speculation from fans, who had reported seeing Tim Tebow, LeBron James, an astrona[...] continue reading ›

NFL lobbies for redrawing of the US-Canada border to force Buffalo Bills to join the CFL

The NFL admitted today it has been secretly meeting with US and Canadian officials in an effort to redraw the two nation’s borders, annexing the city of Buffalo, New York, and forcing the Buffalo Bills to join the CFL. According to confidential meeting notes obtained by the New York Times, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell, President Barack Obama, and Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper held several clandestine meetings at a Tim Horton’s near the border to discuss the matter[...] continue reading ›

Patriots sign Tim Tebow as a hybrid quarterback-mascot

A few days ago, the New England Patriots released third-string quarterback Mike Kafka. Yesterday, the team fired the man who dressed for games as Pat Patriot, the team mascot. And today, the team filled both needs with a single player. The New England Patriots announced they have signed free agent quarterback Tim Tebow and intend to use him as a hybrid quarterback-mascot, according to coach Bill Belichick. “I’ve said over and over, I admire three things about Tim Tebow -- h[...] continue reading ›

Nuggets allegedly fired George Karl in hopes of pleasing Kosta Koufos

After the Denver Nuggets chose to allow their General Manager and reigning Executive of the Year Masai Ujiri to sign with the Toronto Raptors, fans were mystified. When the team announced today they had fired reigning Coach of the Year George Karl, fans were furious. Now, a source close to the team is claiming that Nuggets executives made both these contentious moves in order to please center fifth-year center Kosta Koufos, who allegedly is being consulted on all personnel mo[...] continue reading ›

Hundreds of children suffer seizures after prolonged exposure to Craig Sager’s suit

Hundreds of children nationwide suffered brief but intense epileptic seizures after an extended halftime interview by TNT analyst Craig Sager during tonight’s game 7 Eastern Conference Finals matchup between the Miami Heat and Indiana Pacers. Sager, well known for his obnoxiously colorful suits, had just finished talking to Heat guard Ray Allen when calls began flooding emergency rooms nationwide, in what trauma officials are calling the worst epilepsy epidemic since hundred[...] continue reading ›

MLB to move All-Star Weekend up a month due to fan boredom

After an poll revealed 78% of Americans felt that the 2013 season was taking “for-fucking-ever,” Commissioner Bud Selig elected to move the 2013 All-Star Game up a month, to June 16, to stave off fan boredom. “When my wife asked me if the playoffs had started yet, I knew we had a problem,” Selig said. “I told her most teams had only played 50 or so games, and she looked at me like I was crazy.” Nearly 80% of the poll respondents found it “completely insane” that[...] continue reading ›