Author archives: kslane

NHL announces season started three weeks ago, thanks America for noticing

The National Hockey League issued a press release today stating that the 2013-14 NHL regular season started approximately three weeks ago, not like any of you dumb jerks noticed. The release, posted on the NHL's website and authored by Commissioner Gary Bettman, reminded Americans and Canadians -- but mostly Americans -- that the league had kicked off another exciting season on October 2 with an electrifying matchup between two outstanding teams in the Chicago Blackhawks a[...] continue reading ›

Vikings coach names himself starting QB for Sunday’s matchup vs. Packers

EDEN PRAIRIE, Minn. -- With media rumors swirling after an ugly Monday Night Football loss to the New York Giants, Minnesota Vikings coach Leslie Frazier announced that  he would be giving himself the nod at quarterback this week over the newly acquired Josh Freeman and veteran signal callers Christian Ponder and Matt Cassel. "We just haven't been executing as a team this season, and you can't blame any one player for that, even your quarterback," Frazier said, as he jogged [...] continue reading ›

Report: 70% of Monday Night Football viewers already watching Storage Wars rerun instead

A majority of viewers who tuned in to  ESPN's Monday Night Football broadcast between the Minnesota Vikings and New York Giants have already changed the channel a mere fourteen minutes into the broadcast, according to instant viewer data provided by Nielsen. According to Nielsen, 69.53% of viewers who had their televisions tuned to ESPN at 8:30 switched to a rerun of A&E's Storage Wars by 8:44, while an additional 22.84% chose to watch a rerun of Family Guy on TBS in w[...] continue reading ›

Ndomukong Suh fined $46,000 for tripping Roger Goodell

ALLEN PARK, Mich. -- Detroit Lions defensive tackle Ndamukong Suh was fined $46,000 today for tripping NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell as they were leaving a disciplinary hearing, according to a press release from league offices. The trip, which occurred in front of several reporters awaiting comment on Suh's latest fine for a hit on Cleveland Browns quarterback Brandon Weeden, was initially ruled unintentional. But after league officials reviewed the tape, they issued Suh [...] continue reading ›

Wisconsin man 'very upset' that girlfriend thinks Jay Cutler is hotter than Aaron Rodgers

BROOKFIELD, WI -- Tempers flared in Wisconsin today when Brookfield resident Jennifer O’Riordan told boyfriend Ken Schulz she found Chicago Bears quarterback Jay Cutler more attractive than Green Bay Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers, resulting in a two-hour argument and subsequent silent treatment from both parties. “Ken has a legitimate man crush on Aaron Rodgers,” O’Riordan said, citing several wall posters and the pristine condition of Schulz’s authentic game-worn Rodger[...] continue reading ›

"You won’t believe what happened to my fantasy team last night," reports nation’s obnoxious coworkers

OFFICE, USA -- After reports surfaced Monday that there was uncertainty about how their week 7 fantasy matchup was going to end up, the nation’s obnoxious coworkers reported this morning that you wouldn’t believe what happened to their fantasy team last night, adding that it was “totally crazy.” “So going into Monday Night Football, I knew it was gonna be close,” said the coworkers, who were ahead or behind a certain number of points, as is the case in every fantasy football[...] continue reading ›

Eli Manning quarantined as lethal outbreak of Manningface sweeps Chicago

Following last night's disheartening 27-21 loss to the Chicago Bears, the New York Giants received more bad news: quarterback Eli Manning has been quarantined following the discovery of a city-wide outbreak of Manningface, a recently discovered neurological disease that can lead to temporary or permanent facial disfigurement. As reports from Bears fans who attended last night's game came pouring in, Illinois state health officials set up a crisis center in the Soldier Fiel[...] continue reading ›

Brian McCann berates child for disrespecting unwritten rules of Monopoly

Atlanta Braves catcher Brian McCann was involved in another dust-up today, berating a young child for disrespecting the unwritten rules of Monopoly during a friendly game at the Boys and Girls Club of Metro Atlanta. McCann was incensed when T.J. Nelson, 8, declined to give McCann $50 for landing on Free Parking, insisting that no such rule existed. "Look kid, I'm trying to uphold the sanctity of the game here," McCann said, his hands wavering dangerously close to flippi[...] continue reading ›

Nets aiming to be contenders by 2008

NEWARK -- Following the blockbuster deal that netted the New Jersey Nets a pair of all-stars in Paul Pierce and Kevin Garnett, team owner Bruce Ratner said he expects the team to be serious title contenders by the 2008 season. “This trade is the biggest thing to happen to New Jersey in years,” Ratner said, as he left the Nets facility in his new Hummer H2 while playing the Amy Winehouse hit “Rehab” on his iPod Mini. “Other than last week’s Sopranos finale, of course.” R[...] continue reading ›

Tim Tebow leads all players in MLB All-Star fan voting

Major League Baseball reported today that New England Patriots quarterback Tim Tebow is the current leading vote-getter among all players for the 84th MLB All-Star Game, with nearly 2.5 million write-in votes at first base in the American League. Tebow's 2,493,372 appears to be big enough that he is a shoo-in starter for the July 16 game at Citi Field, easily leading Baltimore Orioles first baseman Chris Davis (1,176,016 votes), Detroit Tigers slugger Prince Fielder (1,058[...] continue reading ›

Man hits world's greatest tennis shot, still loses point, game, match

Gael Monfils, already well-known in the tennis world for his amazing (but totally unnecessary) trick shots, unleashed this between-the-legs-360-degree-over-the-back shot during a match against Tommy Haas. For any kids watching, the lesson here is that looking cool is the most important thing in the world -- way more important than trivial things like winning or fundamental tennis skills.