Author archives: kslane

NFL honors Veterans by refraining from comparing football to war for 24 hours

TAMPA, FL -- The NFL and NFLPA continued its long history of honoring veterans and active duty members of the military today by pledging to refrain from hyperbolically comparing football to war for 24 hours on Veterans Day, according to a press release. Along with wearing commemorative hats, gloves, and using camouflage Gatorade towels on the sideline, coaches and players will not refer to rallying the troops, doing battle, going to war, fighting it out in the trenches, or[...] continue reading ›

Study: 63% of SEC school alums aged 22-28 have been drunk since 9 AM

In an incredibly sloppy poll conducted at tailgates and sports bars nationwide, approximately 63% of SEC school alums aged 22-28 were found to have been legally intoxicated since 9AM this morning. An additional 23% of recent graduates were found to be "buzzed," while 9% claimed to be the designated driver, limiting their beer consumption to an even dozen. "Win or lose we STILL BOOZE!!! YEAH!!!!!" said Stuart Boone, 24, a financial analyst and University of Florida gradu[...] continue reading ›

Richie Incognito claims controversial voicemail was meant for friend named Jonathan Hafnegger

In his first substantive comments since being suspended indefinitely by the Miami Dolphins for allegedly bullying teammate Jonathan Martin, Richie Incognito claimed he dialed the wrong number when he left a threatening, racist voicemail for Martin, instead intending to leave a message for his good friend Jonathan Hafnegger. “Though I am deeply sorry for the hurt I have caused my teammate Jonathan Martin with my message, the fact is that I accidentally called the wrong Jon [...] continue reading ›

Michael Carter-Williams wondering why Sixers GM keeps trying to squash him with anvil

Michael Carter-Williams worried he would lose minutes to more experienced veterans as a rookie for the Philadelphia 76ers. But after a stellar early-season performance netted him NBA Player of the Week honors and victories over the Heat and Bulls and , he’s no longer looking over his shoulder. Except for when he’s avoiding the giant anvil someone keeps trying to drop on him. Over the course of the last week, Carter-Williams has narrowly avoided being crushed by a giant [...] continue reading ›

Red Sox World Series win ends lifetime of sports failures for Boston sports fan, age 2

Thousands of Red Sox fans took to the streets last night to celebrate their third World Series win in nine years, and first win at home in nearly a century. But for South Boston resident Brendan McLaughlin, the Sox finally winning it all was the experience of a lifetime. After what felt like a million years because his undeveloped brain cannot yet conceive of time, McLaughlin, who is almost two and a half, finally witnessed what his parents have told him is his favorite te[...] continue reading ›

Mariano Rivera politely asks store clerk to stop playing Enter Sandman every time he picks up his dry cleaning

After politely smiling the first few times Enter Sandman blasted through the speakers of American Threads Dry Cleaners to mark his arrival, former New York Yankees closer Mariano Rivera today asked American Threads clerk Randall Podolski to stop playing the Metallica hit song every time he came to pick up his suits and sport coats. “I know he means well, but honestly, it’s a little disrespectful,” Rivera said. “I used that song to pump me up for the biggest moments of my l[...] continue reading ›

Lob City files for bankruptcy after loss to Lakers

Following an embarrassing 116-103 season-opening loss to the crosstown Los Angeles Lakers, the acting government of Lob City filed for Chapter 9 municipal bankruptcy, citing an unsustainable demand for oops and slams that has left the city overextended and deeply in debt. The bankruptcy came as a shock to some, as Lob City’s product -- though sometimes volatile -- seemed to stabilize after a disappointing 4th quarter performance last year. But with hundreds of millions inv[...] continue reading ›

Attention-starved Brian Wilson shaves Mike Napoli’s beard in jealous rage

When Red Sox first baseman Mike Napoli awoke in the middle of the night, he knew something was wrong. It wasn’t the previous night’s 4-2 loss to the Cardinals. It wasn’t the phone ringing -- apparently Dunkin Donuts and Old Spice would resume their nonstop endorsement requests in the morning. It wasn’t even the strange man standing over his bed with a razor in his hand. It was his face. It was cold. As it turns out, Napoli had fallen victim to Dodgers relief pitcher [...] continue reading ›