Author archives: kevin

MLB suspends Manny Ramirez 500 games "just for the fun of it"

On the eve of possible suspensions for as many as 20 major league baseball players for their connections to a Miami-area pharmacy known for its sale of performance enhancing drugs, MLB Commissioner Bud Selig announced the league had suspended former outfielder Manny Ramirez 500 games just for the fun of it. “Given Manny’s history of repeated, brazen steroid use, suspending him again seemed like a no-brainer,” Selig said. “With so many popular and well-respected players fro[...] continue reading ›

Super Bowl interrupted by streaking Alex Smith

Action was briefly halted in the third quarter of the Super Bowl as security personnel chased down a drunk, unruly streaker who was revealed to be San Francisco 49ers quarterback Alex Smith. Completely naked, Smith ran towards the 49ers huddle screaming “Hey America, check out my Colin KaeperDICK!” and attempted a half-hearted punch to the head of fellow 49ers quarterback Colin Kaepernick. Kaepernick,  the significantly faster and more nimble quarterback, deftly avoided Sm[...] continue reading ›

Entire state of Indiana takes day off to watch Hoosiers for 8 hours

Following the Miami Heat’s crushing defeat of the Indiana Pacers in game 7 of the NBA Eastern Conference Finals last night, 99-76, Indiana Governor Mike Pence declared a state of emergency today and encouraged citizens statewide to remain in their homes while watching the 1986 film Hoosiers on repeat. “In light of yesterday’s traumatic defeat, I knew we needed to take swift and immediate action,” Pence said. “I believe every last person in our state, from South Bend to Terre[...] continue reading ›

ESPN cuts hundreds of employees to facilitate 20-year, $485 million deal with Skip Bayless

Many wondered why ESPN downsized hundreds of employees last week despite yearly profits in the billions. As it turns out, the company was ensuring they had sufficient cash reserves to sign First Take anchor Skip Bayless to an eye-popping 20-year, $485 million extension, ensuring he will remain with the Worldwide Leader in Sports through 2033. “At ESPN, we believe our employees are our most valuable asset,” said ESPN president John Skipper, as dozens of downsized employees [...] continue reading ›

All 32 NFL teams trade out of the first round, citing lack of talent

NEW YORK - Amid a flurry of pre-draft deals, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell announced on Thursday that the first round of the NFL Draft had been cancelled due to all 32 teams trading out of the round, citing a severe lack of talent. “Pending an investigation into how all 32 first-round picks have ceased to exist, we have decided to start this year’s draft in the second round,” Goodell said, adding that the league is investigating whether a trade involving both 49ers wide r[...] continue reading ›

NFL introduces new concussion-proof helmets based on Mel Kiper’s hair

BRISTOL, CT - Seeking to placate concerns over the long-term effects of head injuries, the NFL unveiled models today for a new, supposedly concussion-proof helmet modeled after ESPN draft analyst Mel Kiper Jr.’s hair. “After years in the laboratory experimenting with hundreds of synthetic materials, we have finally replicated the rock-hard, flame-retardant formula that has kept Mr. Kiper’s hair immobile for decades,” said NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell. “This is a game-cha[...] continue reading ›

Latest jobs report shows 2,500 new chimpanzee jobs created through Super Bowl commercials

On the heels of another positive jobs report, the White House announced today that 2,500 new jobs were created for chimpanzees in this year’s Super Bowl commercials, a 10 percent increase from the previous year. “The surge in chimp employment numbers is a sure sign that our economy is finally turning around,” said Vice President Joe Biden. “Along with the uptick in positions for talking dogs, sassy kittens and the traditional seasonal employment for clydesdale horses and p[...] continue reading ›

Online petition to get Baha Men to perform Puppy Bowl halftime show reaches 1,000 signatures

After only 18 months, an online petition asking Animal Planet to invite  the Baha Men to perform their seminal hit “Who Let the Dogs Out” during halftime of the Puppy Bowl reached 1,000 signatures, according to the band’s Facebook page. “We did it, Dog Pound! We reached our goal!” said a post to the group’s 502 Facebook fans. “33 years, 12 albums, 17 hard-working members, and we’ve finally hit the big time! God always had a plan for us, we just never knew it involved shari[...] continue reading ›

Cowboys debut disturbing gender-neutral Cowpeople mascots

DALLAS -- In an effort to rebrand the Dallas Cowboys as a more politically correct team and appeal to a broader demographic, team owner Jerry Jones introduced the Dallas Cowpeople, two gender-neutral cow-human hybrids, as the team’s new mascots during Sunday’s game. “Football is America’s game, and the Cowboys are America’s team,” Jones said. “But this is a new America, one where a patriarchal name like the Cowboys could potentially alienate or offend millions of fans. The[...] continue reading ›

David Stern promises 'substantial sanctions' to 76ers for continuing to play Nick Young

NEW YORK - NBA Commissioner David Stern released a statement today ripping the Philadelphia 76ers for continuing to give playing time to trigger-happy shooting guard Nick Young, and promised “substantial sanctions” against the team for damaging the integrity of the NBA brand. The expletive-laden statement, published last night on NBA.com, called for Young’s immediate benching to restore, in Stern’s words, “a semblance of competitive balance to games in which Mr. Young part[...] continue reading ›

Mark Sanchez crashes intramural football game, team loses by 7

NEW YORK - Jets quarterback Mark Sanchez turned heads in Manhattan yesterday by crashing an intramural football game in Clinton Park, where he triumphantly lead his new team, the Midtown Marauders, to a seven-point loss. Showcasing below-average arm strength and questionable decision-making, Sanchez missed several open Marauders receivers before throwing a game-ending interception to Balls Deep safety Tim Flanagan, ending the Marauders’ chances of winning the ZogSports Man[...] continue reading ›

Nation can't believe this democracy bullshit interrupting SportsCenter

WASHINGTON-- Millions of Americans across the nation, glued to their television sets awaiting the results of one of the most highly-publicized battles in recent history, can’t believe this democracy bullshit is interrupting SportsCenter, according to irate sources. An overwhelming majority of the US populace agreed that after waiting through five minutes of commercials and a thoroughly uninformative segment with Merril Hoge, it is “seriously fucked up” that ESPN chose to i[...] continue reading ›

Metta World Peace: 'We're going to win 10,000 games this year, easy'

LOS ANGELES - Mercurial Los Angeles Lakers forward Metta World Peace raised eyebrows yesterday by claiming the Lakers would win at least 10,000 games this upcoming season. "You journalists may say I'm crazy, but I really think we can win 10,000 with the guys we've got," said Peace, who previously said the goal of this year’s Lakers squad should be to break the single-season record for victories set by the 1995-96 Bulls. "Nash, Kobe, me, Pau and Dwight? We could probably wi[...] continue reading ›

Donovan McNabb's mom keeps making Eagles players soup for some reason

PHILADELPHIA -- Nearly three years after her son Donovan was traded by the Philadelphia Eagles, Wilma McNabb has continued to bring steaming bowls of Campbell’s Chunky Soup to the team's locker room before each game, according to perplexed players and coaches. "Look, it's not like we don't appreciate the soup," said Eagles Head Coach Andy Reid. "Four bowls of Campbell's Beef & Bean Chilli from Wilma before the game keeps my hunger satisfied through most of the first qu[...] continue reading ›

NFL introduces Play15 for lazy, overweight children

NEW YORK - Citing the success of their Play60 program, the NFL announced today it would be starting Play15, a new initiative aimed at morbidly obese children for whom 60 minutes of physical activity simply isn’t an option. "The NFL is America’s league, and Play15 reflects that," said NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell. "We’ve designed a program that appeals to average Americans, ones who spend 75% of their time eating food, watching football, and watching shows about food or f[...] continue reading ›