Author archives: Team Juke

The NFL’s Walter White: Peyton Manning is a secret drug lord

You read that headline correctly. Our investigative team has determined that Denver Broncos quarterback Peyton Manning is almost certainly a secret drug lord, living a hush-hush second life similar to that of Walter White on AMC’s Breaking Bad. Sound crazy? Yes, absolutely. But sometimes the truth is stranger than fiction. News began circulating Wednesday that there was a popular strain of weed going around in Colorado called “Peyton Manning.” People seemed to get a go[...] continue reading ›

13 Super Bowl shows worse than Bruno Mars

Word recently got out that Bruno Mars had been booked to perform this year’s Super Bowl halftime show. Everyone seemed pretty outraged about it, but honestly, Bruno Mars isn’t that terrible. Off the top of our heads, we were able to come up with 13 hypothetical halftime shows that would be way, way worse.   1. Miley Cyrus’s VMA performance reenacted by Larry King The twerking. The latex bikini. The crotch touching. Every last detail, down to a T, only with Larry[...] continue reading ›

13 Touchdown Celebrations You Can Still Get Away With In The NFL

The NFL has announced that this season it will crack down even harder on touchdown celebrations, threatening to issue 15-yard penalties and possible fines to any player whose celebrations they deem too unsportsmanlike. The new restrictions forbid actions like sack dances, home run swings, military salutes, spiking, throwing, pointing, spinning the ball, and standing over opponents for a prolonged period of time. Yet despite the harsh new regulations, there are still pl[...] continue reading ›

JukeLeft looks into everything you can expect from the new Fox Sports 1 network

Last week, Fox Sports 1 made its national debut. Launched in an effort to become the U.S.’s premier sports entertainment destination, the bold little network is intent on proving itself as a worthy alternative to its colossal rival, ESPN. But since it’s still so new to the scene, not many people know what it has to offer. So after incessantly watching it over the past several days, we’ve taken the liberty to put together a comprehensive guide to all of Fox Sports 1’s excit[...] continue reading ›

After Pacquiao loss, distraught Filipinos turn to Adam Dunn as new hero

Shocked and dismayed by Manny Pacquiao’s knockout loss to Juan Manuel Marquez Saturday night, the people of the Philippines found themselves looking for a new hero to bring hope to their impoverished country. They settled on Chicago White Sox designated hitter Adam Dunn. Filipino senator Jinggoy Estrada explained the unusual choice to a reporter by phone. “Adam Dunn has risen from the ashes of a terrible, terrible season in 2011 and actually did pretty well in 2012,”[...] continue reading ›

Researchers developing electric “flash light” to replace Olympic torch

The tradition of the Olympic torch has captivated the global imagination since its inaugural year in 1928, but as society and technology have dramatically evolved over time, the flame-bearing torch has remained stuck in history. Researchers at the University of Cambridge are looking to change this and have begun developing a new torch that would be powered by electricity—not fire. “There are skeptics out there who insist it is impossible to produce such a device, but we ar[...] continue reading ›

Erik Spoelstra given technical for being too darn cute

MIAMI - Adorable chipmunk man Erik Spoelstra was assessed a technical foul in the second quarter of Tuesday’s showdown between the Heat and Thunder for looking too darn cute for his own good. As Spoelstra’s Heat went on an offensive drive with less than a minute remaining in the half, official Mike Callahan halted the clock to serve the young coach a stiff penalty for his infraction. Callahan explained his decision over halftime. “Listen, you have world caliber athletes[...] continue reading ›

Hotel guests to Michael Phelps: “Chill out. It’s a hot tub.”

Sixteen-time Olympic medalist Michael Phelps aggravated hotel guests with his incessantly competitive antics in a hot tub on Thursday. Staying at the Hilton Garden Inn in Lake Forest, Illinois, Phelps elected to unwind in the hot tub after a long day of conditioning. Though initially star-struck by the athlete, other hotel guests were quickly annoyed by Phelps’ need to prove his supremacy in the water. “He made it miserable for all of us,” said Carol Hartshorn, who was [...] continue reading ›

Scared Bryce Harper asks coach to check closet for Bartolo Colon

For all the bravado 19-year-old baseball sensation Bryce Harper displays on the diamond, the young outfielder still at times relents to his childlike tendencies. In a hotel Monday night, following a 12-4 loss to the Cardinals, Harper called manager Davey Johnson into his room and asked him to check his closet for suspended A’s pitcher Bartolo Colon. “I saw him in there,” Harper reportedly said. “He’s eating a towel. He said he’s gonna bite my toes.” Johnson, sensitive t[...] continue reading ›

Thousands of nation’s pedophiles announce retirement following Shawn Johnson’s exit from gymnastics

In response to Olympic gold medalist Shawn Johnson’s retirement from gymnastics Sunday afternoon, thousands of America’s most repulsive pedophiles also announced their retirement from pedophilia. “It is with tremendous sadness that so many of my basement-dwelling brethren and I must officially withdraw from pedophilia,” wrote Darren Cargill, spokesman for the United Pedophiles of America, in a press release. “Even though she was 20 years old, she maintained the spirit of a[...] continue reading ›

NBA sweat mopper optimistic he can nail a lesser Kardashian

An NBA sweat mopper’s primary responsibility is to clean up the sweat left on the court so that no players slip and become injured. One sweat mopper, however, has assumed a slightly more ambitious duty: having sexual intercourse with one of the Kardashians. Dylan Lawson, a sweat mopper for the Oklahoma City Thunder, is optimistic that by the conclusion of the NBA finals he can successfully woo and bed one of the “lesser” Kardashian sisters, assuming that by proxy he posses[...] continue reading ›

Drugged lunatic too grossed out to eat Anthony Davis’ face

Anthony Davis, the 2012 NCAA defensive player of the year, should consider himself fortunate for his unfortunate appearance. The 19-year-old almost found himself victim to a brutal attack from a deranged homeless man who, under the influence of a controversial bath salts drug, attempted to eat Davis’ face. Mercifully, Davis was considered too ugly to be appetizing. Police arrested 53-year-old George Bilter shortly after he assaulted Davis in an alley on Chicago’s south [...] continue reading ›

Fully Americanized David Beckham spotted riding Hoveround in Denny’s

LOS ANGELES - Galaxy midfielder David Beckham, who left his native England in 2007 to play soccer in the US, is showing signs that he has completely acclimated to his American surroundings. The 37-year-old was seen Wednesday afternoon driving a Hoveround motorized scooter in a Denny’s restaurant, where he was dining with his wife and children. Restaurant manager Dale Sorley confirmed the reports, noting that Beckham seemed no different than any of his other guests who stop[...] continue reading ›

Tamagotchi kills itself after realizing owner is LeBron James

MIAMI, FL—A Tamagotchi owned by Miami Heat forward LeBron James ended its own life Tuesday after gaining sentience and learning the identity of its master. The handheld digital pet, purchased at a local RadioShack, was “born” several minutes after being activated by James. Upon recognizing that it would be doomed to live with the most detested athlete on the planet, the Tamagotchi immediately shorted out its own circuits, causing small wisps of smoke to emit from its egg-s[...] continue reading ›

Kimbo “Slice” Harden proud of little brother James

Kimbo “Slice” Harden knows a thing or two about taking blows. Which is why the boxer and mixed martial artist, who is just as widely recognized for his wild beard as for his brutal street fights, has to hand it to his little brother James for fielding an elbow from Metta World Peace earlier this season with utmost composure. “If someone jacked me like that, you better believe he’d spend a week or two in the hospital,” said Kimbo. “But James has always been the quiet, patie[...] continue reading ›

Detroit supports decriminalization of small amounts of Lions players

DETROIT - Mayor Dave Bing of Detroit has thrown his support behind a controversial plan that would decriminalize small amounts of Detroit Lions players. If given the City Council’s blessing, Detroit cops would be allowed to forego arresting the Lions players they encounter in public and instead issue them a ticket with a fine ranging from $100 to $400. The plan was introduced after data emerged making it apparent that police were spending more time arresting and process[...] continue reading ›