Author archives: jubjub

Nation still working on bottle of Michael Jordan cologne

WASHINGTON – Americans across the nation have widely reported that they’ve been unable to finish their bottles of Michael Jordan cologne, despite having owned them for over 15 years now. The cologne, which nearly every American male between ages 9 and 54 received for Christmas in 1996, has become a staple of American dressers, gathering thick layers of dust as men have gradually transitioned to fragrances that don’t smell like sandalwood, citrus, and groin sweat. Featur[...] continue reading ›

Jay Cutler suffers concussion trying to smile in mirror

ARLINGTON, Texas – After an impressive 34-18 rout over the Dallas Cowboys, Jay Cutler, the Chicago Bears notoriously surly quarterback, tried his best to relish the victory in his hotel room. Unfortunately, this decision likely cost him a few games to injury. Encouraged by his 140.1 passer rating and zero interceptions, Cutler, with his tired eyes and shapeless jaw, stared into the bathroom mirror and attempted to muster a smile. Though the corners of his lips managed to m[...] continue reading ›

Got Photoshop skillz? JukeLeft needs your help.

Can you Photoshop Romeo Crennel to make it look like he’s on a blind date with Grimace? Can you take vague instructions and turn them into funny illustrations? If so, JukeLeft would love your help. We’re not looking for interns per se, but rather we want to put together a team of guys who can occasionally use their artistic chops to help bring some of our ideas to life. Essentially, we’d like to get an email thread going with a handful of quality art guys who can offer [...] continue reading ›

Lone, feeble nation nearly triumphs over European empire at Ryder Cup

MEDINAH, IL – Facing almost insurmountable odds, the United States came breathtakingly close to completing a historic upset over the powerful European empire at the Ryder Cup on Sunday. The fledgling American nation, battling thousands of years of global supremacy with only a few brief centuries as a pawn-like international presence, lost by just a single point, 14 ½-13 ½, falling just an inch short of cementing the greatest underdog performance in the history of competiti[...] continue reading ›

Tebow-shaped cloud earns top play on ‘SportsCenter’

BRISTOL, CT – SportsCenter, ESPN’s flagship sports highlights program, has never shied away from covering New York Jets backup quarterback Tim Tebow, but their affection for the young player might’ve hit a fever pitch Friday morning. In their daily Top 10 Plays segment, the show awarded the number one play to a cloud that looked like Tebow, solely on the merit that it looked like Tebow. Despite an incredible fence-scaling catch from Pittsburgh Pirates outfielder Travis Sni[...] continue reading ›

Scott Boras brokers extra late bedtime from wife

NEWPORT BEACH, CA – Scott Boras, the powerful sports agent responsible for some of the largest contracts in modern history, doesn’t limit his negotiating prowess to just athletes. The 59-year-old representative of Alex Rodriguez, Prince Fielder, and Robinson Cano found himself in a fierce bout of arbitration with his wife Thursday over how late he would be allowed to stay up. “I’m proud to report that I, in partnership with the research team at Boras Corporation, was ab[...] continue reading ›

Civilian Sean Payton: Going to Walmart, part II

Sean Payton’s entire life has been defined by, and immersed in, football. Now, facing a year without it, he must figure out how to navigate the confusing world beyond the gridiron. We’ll be chronicling his misadventures through a weekly series called Civilian Sean Payton. To read “Going to Walmart, part I,” click here. Earl and Sean Payton make it three miles in the team bus before the police pull them over. They’re promptly arrested and taken into custody for processing.[...] continue reading ›

Injured Jet Revis sent to Boeing to be scrapped

EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ – The New York Jets announced Wednesday that All-Pro cornerback Darrelle Revis, who recently tore his anterior cruciate ligament, would be sent to the Boeing aerospace corporation to be salvaged for material. The largest aircraft manufacturer in the world, Boeing is globally renowned for its excellence in repurposing faulty or retired jets into newer, superior products. “It’s just disappointing, but I suppose it’s a new opportunity for Darrelle,” sai[...] continue reading ›

Merciful Rockies grounds crew replaces warning track with quicksand

DENVER - Twenty-nine games out of first place in the NL West, the Colorado Rockies have once again disappointed their fan base with a dismal season of baseball. And with horrible pitching, horrible defense, and horrible power hitting, there’s not much hope for the team to significantly improve anytime in the foreseeable future. Mercifully, understanding the need for a roster overhaul, the Rockies grounds crew has taken proactive steps towards rejuvenating the franchise by [...] continue reading ›