Author archives: jubjub

Cubs fire Dale Sveum for dutifully upholding team legacy

CHICAGO – The Chicago Cubs announced Monday that they had fired manager Dale Sveum as a result of him dutifully upholding the team’s legacy throughout his two years on the job. Having finished the season last place in the NL Central with a 66-96 record, Sveum was deemed “a perfect fit” for the franchise’s historical narrative, preserving the storied traditions that have distinguished the Friendly Confines for over a hundred years. “Today, we made the very difficult deci[...] continue reading ›

Giants to fill holes in offensive line with premium fan seating

EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ – Hoping to make something good out of the team’s NFL-worst pass protection, the New York Giants announced Friday that they will begin offering premium seating for fans inside the holes in the offensive line. Marketed as Club Blitz, the seats, retailing at $4,000 per game, will allow fans to sit inside luxurious viewing pods situated in the spacious gaps created by the Giants’ offensive linemen. After each down, a series of overhead cables will lift the[...] continue reading ›

Joe Flacco apologizes for briefly unbuckling seat belt on party bus

BALTIMORE – In the aftermath of the now-infamous incident in which Jacoby Jones was injured by a bottle-wielding stripper while on a party bus with fellow Ravens teammates, quarterback Joe Flacco has stepped forward to apologize for briefly unbuckling his seat belt during the altercation. “I was indeed a passenger on that bus, as I’d been invited by teammates to come along and celebrate Bryant McKinnie’s birthday,” Flacco explained during a Thursday morning press conferenc[...] continue reading ›

Doctors inform Nationals that ‘Natitude’ was multiple sclerosis all along

WASHINGTON – In a somber meeting Wednesday morning, team doctors informed the Washington Nationals that the competitive symptom they’d all season described as “Natitude” was actually an aggressive form of multiple sclerosis. Though earlier in the season the team had identified Natitude as a driving force behind their World-Series-or-bust mentality, doctors made it clear to the players that it was actually the cause of their disappointing performance, and that without it th[...] continue reading ›

ESPN to air new Eli Manning documentary, 'The Coloring Book of Manning'

NEW YORK – In light of the success of The Book of Manning, ESPN announced Wednesday that they would be airing a follow-up to the documentary focused more specifically on Eli Manning, called The Coloring Book of Manning. The original documentary, which aired Tuesday, centered around Archie and Olivia Manning’s struggles to raise a family amidst a culture of football stardom. The Coloring Book of Manning, however, will explore Eli Manning’s experience as a small child living[...] continue reading ›

Pulled hamstring not as delicious as C.C. Sabathia hoped

NEW YORK – If C.C. Sabathia’s year wasn’t bad enough already, the Yankees announced Monday that the pitcher’s season had reached a premature end due to a pulled hamstring, an injury he described as “not nearly as delicious as I’d hoped.” Upon undergoing an MRI, the 289-pound ace was initially optimistic, admitting that he didn’t know much about pulled hamstrings but thought they sounded “absolutely mouthwatering.” He said that the scan of the damaged tendons appeared “tend[...] continue reading ›