ASHEVILLE, NC — While surfing channels waiting for tonight’s Monday Night Football matchup between the Carolina Panthers and New England Patriots, local man Barry Sutton settled on ESPN’s Monday Night Countdown, largely because the program is Served by Applebee’s™.
“Woah, the ‘Bee’s™ is servin’ up some tasty football insight?” Sutton said, sitting up from his couch and knocking aside his Car Side to Go™ box, containing remnants of last night’s 2 for $20 Meal Deal.™ “That’s a hell of a restaurant, hell of a restaurant. Guess those jokers at ESPN finally got something right.”
Sutton, who usually listens to sports talk radio instead of watching ESPN before Panthers games because he believes in “supporting local small businesses,” was nevertheless swayed by Applebee’s™ ringing endorsement.
“I know Applebee’s™ is nationwide, but they’ve always made sure I’m Eating Good in the Neighborhood™, you know?” Sutton said, pausing to reheat some Crunchy Onion Rings™ from last night’s trip to Applebee’s™. “I can put down a whole 2 for $20 Meal Deal™ by myself, and my wife loves the Under 550™ menu, so we usually go there for our anniversary.
“Plus my cousin Leroy works there, so it’s like we’re all part of the Applebee’s™ family.”
According to ESPN Executive Vice President John Walsh, Monday Night Countdown has seen a major lift in ratings after securing the elusive Applebee’s™ partnership.
“Market research has shown that with so many programming options out there, millions of Americans choose their programming based on whether or not the show is sponsored by a popular chain restaurant with good old American values,” Walsh said, adding that the network would soon be debuting the Olive Garden™ Never Ending Pasta Bowl™-ing Tour. “Chris Berman was already our most popular on-air personality, but after he started doing commercials for Applebee’s 2 for $20 Meal Deal™, his star power went through the roof.”
At press time, Sutton had settled back on the couch and cracked a Coors Light™ in anticipation of Monday Night Countdown panelist Cris Carter answering a six-pack of Cold Hard Questions™.