GREEN BAY – Infuriated by a blown touchdown call in the Packers-Seahawks game that resulted in a Green Bay loss, the team’s fans have announced their intentions to come together and riot in protest of Roger Goodell and the replacement officials.
“Enough is enough!” wrote Packers fan Dan Klasky on a Facebook event page for the scheduled protest. “I’m sick and tired of America’s game being spoiled by this country’s entitled corporate elite, and as soon as someone can stop by and help lift me off this couch, I’m gonna take my rage to the streets!”
The protest is scheduled to take place one block away from Lambeau Field, conveniently located next to a 24-hour Dunkin Donuts where protestors can refuel if necessary. Though organizers haven’t pinpointed an official starting time, they’ve promised to let participants know via social media when they’ve managed to get up from the couch, catch their breath, and begin the long waddle across the room to their electric mobility scooters.
“Goodell’s a bum and these hack refs are clowns,” said eventual protestor Oscar Wichowsky between eating large fistfuls of cheese curds. “If I was still the lean 240 pounds I was in sixth grade, I’d jog all the way to the NFL headquarters and let my lead pipe tell ‘em how I feel.”
Sympathetic Packers fans from outside of Wisconsin have volunteered to drive across state lines to come assist their rotund brethren in getting vertical and mobilized, citing the need to unite as a fan base and demand justice from the league.
“I’m a cheese head till I die, and I’m not gonna allow my fellow cheese heads to sit idle when our team needs us most,” said Wayne Dugan, who’s driving up from southern Illinois to help the cause. “I got a whole bunch of winches and levers and jacks, and it don’t matter if I don’t sleep for the next five days, I’m gonna make sure that every single Packers fan is up from their couches and that their various body sores have been disinfected enough for them to go out in public.”
Once the Packers fans have assembled outside the stadium, their plan is to show their rage as long as their ankles will support their body weight. Then they’ll collapse to the ground, forming an impromptu sit-in, where they’ll remain until either Roger Goodell reverses the outcome of the game or a fleet of bulldozers forcibly move them.