ANAHEIM – The preternaturally gifted Mike Trout has been logging one of the greatest rookie seasons in baseball history, but not everyone in the Angels organization understands the extent of his value to the team.
First baseman Albert Pujols has struggled all season to comprehend Trout’s staggering numbers, all because he’s operating under the belief that the 21-year-old phenom is a fish.
“You’re telling me he’s supposed to be the next big thing in baseball? A fish?” snarled Pujols. “Everyone says he’s been showing me up, but I’m sorry, there’s no way some freshwater-dwelling chump is ever going to make a name for himself in this game.”
Exasperated by his lack of understanding, Pujols’ teammates have gone to extensive lengths to try to communicate that Trout is a man, not a fish.
“This here is a fish—a trout—that I purchased at the market,” explained outfielder Mark Trumbo to a perplexed Pujols. “If you take all its gills off and cook it on a grill, you can eat it as food.”
Trumbo then gestured towards Trout: “Now this is Mike Trout, a baseball player. He is very good at what he does, and he helps us win games. If you cook him on a grill and try to eat him, you’ll go to jail because you’re eating another person. That’s called cannibalism.”
“So why doesn’t Long John Silvers go to jail for cannibalism?” asked Pujols, clearly baffled.
“Jesus, can we designate this guy for assignment at a preschool or something? You’re killin’ me, Pujols.”
Angels manager Mike Scioscia has acknowledged his frustration with Pujols, but ultimately he doesn’t believe the shortage of comprehension will hurt the team.
“Listen, Albert is a very special ballplayer. He does what we need him to do on the field, and that’s all we ask of him. If, for some reason, his belief that he’s on the same roster as a fish affects his hitting, then we might have to take some drastic actions. But for the time being we’re fine.”
Though Pujols still believes Trout is a fish, he’s made an effort to see past his prejudices and show some warmth to the rookie. Last week he gifted Trout with a 400-gallon fish tank, though he was visibly disappointed when Trout declined to jump in for a swim.