PHILADELPHIA – On Tuesday, members of the 76ers front office were horrified to learn that, over the course of a long night of drinking, they’d somehow agreed to a new contract with maligned center Andrew Bynum.
Despite reports that Bynum was fielding offers from the Cavaliers and Hawks, a representative for the former all-star has confirmed that a two-year deal, worth an incentive-laden $15 million annually, has officially been reached.
“I think I’m going to be sick,” remarked 76ers GM Sam Hinkie, his face flushed with horror. “We definitely, definitely, definitely did not mean to do this.”
According to reports, Hinkie, along with numerous members of the team’s ownership group and coaching staff, spent a wild night on the town on Monday—so wild, in fact, that none of the men present were able to recall any details the following morning.
Upon waking, Winkie found over a dozen panicked emails regarding the deal, and he initially assumed it was a cruel practical joke. But when he noticed an unfamiliar stack of legal documents on his desk, many of them featuring Bynum’s name in the header, he realized that he had indeed re-signed the man who robbed the team of $17 million without stepping onto the court for a single game.
“The fans are going to lynch us,” Winkie remarked, tears welling in his eyes. “This is literally the worst possible thing we could’ve done to this franchise.”
Though the team may be experiencing an extreme case of buyer’s remorse, Bynum himself seems relatively satisfied.
“I can’t fathom why they’d ever even consider signing me, but I’m certainly not gonna complain about $30 million dollars,” Bynum laughed. “Maybe this time around I’ll actually suit up for a game or two.”
Since finalizing the deal, however, the prospect of Bynum playing has grown considerably more doubtful. A team spokesman confirmed that the seven-footer accidentally tore his ACL Tuesday morning while attempting to twerk on a slip-‘n’-slide in his backyard.