The Jacksonville Jaguars announced Thursday that they’re offering two free Bud Lights to anyone who purchases a ticket for Sunday’s game against the Indianapolis Colts. Speculation is that if enough seats go unsold, the game will be subject to a television blackout, so the team is scrambling to sell all the tickets they can before it’s too late.
Truth is, though, the Jaguars are terrible, and it takes a whole lot more than two beers to be able to tolerate one of their football games. The team should be handing out kegs, if anything. But the good news is that there’s still hope.
Here are 12 different things the Jaguars can do to get people to show up to their games.
1. Sign Tebow
And then lower him into a pit of bloodthirsty jaguars. Everyone would love that.
2. Free dipping sauces
Dipping sauces make everything better.
3. For every touchdown the Jags give up, a smokin’ babe removes an item of clothing
The catch is that she starts the game wearing 10 different pieces of clothing, meaning there’s only like a 50 percent chance of her getting naked. SO MUCH SUSPENSE!
4. Give away free beer that ISN’T Bud Light
No one wants that garbage water. Give the fans something that doesn’t remind them of hangovers from freshman year.
5. Quicksand end zones
The Jaguars might be able to score…BUT CAN THEY SURVIVE?!?!?
6. Heartwarming on-field reunions between soldiers and their families
There should be so many of these that we have to start a new war to keep up with the demand. AMERICANS WANNA SEE PRECIOUS SHIT.
7. Replace the football with a pug
Imagine the little pug noises it’ll make as it hurtles through the uprights.
8. Replace Blaine Gabbert with a stack of 10 pugs
They’d still probably make better decisions in the pocket than the Blainester.
9. Replace the stadium seats with morbidly obese pugs
PUGGY BEANBAG CHAIRS!!!!
10. Let fans party with Justin Blackmon
That dude seems like he knows how to have a good time.
Tell the locals that if they don’t come to the Jaguars game, they’ll be forced to do something terrible, such as attend a Jaguars game.
Jaguar fans endure more suffering than anyone ever should. They’re tired. They’re ready for the end. And the Jaguars, who’ve caused the suffering, could also provide relief. One ticket would be good for one lethal injection. The team should brace for a sellout streak.